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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this be mean? In laws related

32 replies

Candlescuddlesandpizza · 21/06/2022 16:19

It's dh's 40th birthday coming up. Amongst other stuff, I'd like to organise a family meal with his side of the family for him so it would be me, dh, our dc, dh's parents and sil and her dh.

Our dc are older now (teens) and so it would be nice to go somewhere nice for a meal as in not the local chain pub or Pizza Hut, nothing against them but now our dc are older we can 🤷‍♀️, sil has young dc and might not be able to get childcare.

The backstory is that when dh and I had our dc, sil was child free we were always expected to either get childcare or not go to family meals and events as it would always be late on in the evening or somewhere not child friendly followed by an adult only pub for drinks. So we were excluded from lots of things and no one ever gave us a second thought.

Since sil's dc came along it's all changed and any get togethers revolve around her and the dc and yes I am a little bitter about it.

So wibu to just organise the meal for where we want to go rather than making it a child friendly evening?

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 21/06/2022 16:21

Sounds fine. It’s your DH’s birthday. Just say DH wants to go here. SIL can bring children or book a babysitter like we used to.

PuffinMcStuffin · 21/06/2022 16:22

Go for it, but don't get grumpy if SIL doesn't come (win win 😁)

Littleraindrop15 · 21/06/2022 16:24

go for it

SandyWedges · 21/06/2022 16:26

Organise it and say they are welcome to bring the kids but you understand if they'd rather not

IncompleteSenten · 21/06/2022 16:29

I would and if they said anything I'd say oh it'll be fine don't worry. Remember when our kids were little? We went to all sorts of events such as your x and your y and your z that weren't suitable for children. Just get childcare like we did. It'll be great.

But I'm a cow so 🤷‍♀️

redskyatnight · 21/06/2022 16:31

Depends how much DH wants his sister to come to his birthday celebration surely? And whether he wants to see her children?

BlueShoesKate · 21/06/2022 16:32

If your DH is happy with that, go for it. If he feels awkward and would really like his whole family there, then consider him first. Not worth coming off as the bad guy if it upsets him.

NumberTheory · 21/06/2022 16:38

Will your DH be happier with a more grown up meal without SiL or a less grown up meal with her?

Original poster
Candlescuddlesandpizza · 21/06/2022 16:39

The trouble is with us is that we are always thinking about other people and how things will effect them. That's why we always used to bend over backwards to go to things even when it was inconvenient. Dh would like to go somewhere a bit nicer but he's so used to putting everyone else first I don't want to be the petty one.

But then I think of all the years that they all went to beautiful restaurants, cocktail bars dressed up to the nines and wouldn't even shift the time a bit earlier. We had to get babysitters or not go and I think fuck em, his parents can go and sil can try to find a babysitter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candlescuddlesandpizza · 21/06/2022 16:41

Dh will be happier going somewhere more grown up without a doubt. But he'll be worried about offending anyone.

OP posts:
TibetanTerrah · 21/06/2022 16:42

Depends on your SIL likely reaction tbh. If she's going to kick up a huge stink and upset up DH and effectively ruin his birthday with a tantrum, I wouldn't.

If she's going to grumble quietly about it then crack on Grin

HollowTalk · 21/06/2022 16:42

IncompleteSenten · 21/06/2022 16:29

I would and if they said anything I'd say oh it'll be fine don't worry. Remember when our kids were little? We went to all sorts of events such as your x and your y and your z that weren't suitable for children. Just get childcare like we did. It'll be great.

But I'm a cow so 🤷‍♀️

That is a perfect response!

CatherinedeBourgh · 21/06/2022 16:43

Why can't children go to nice restaurants?

frazzledasarock · 21/06/2022 16:44

Will this cause a row tho?

will your IL’s come if their DD and her DC are excluded?

if it has potential to kick off do the fancy dinner with your immediate family and maybe close friends.
and do the Pizza Hut celebration with your IL’s

AdoraBell · 21/06/2022 16:46

I completely agree with what IncompleteSenten said.

JenniferBarkley · 21/06/2022 16:47

Absolutely not, no adult wants their 40th in Pizza Hut Grin

Send out the invitation for somewhere grown up, if SIL can't make it then make separate arrangements with her to see her another time.

We're the younger ones with preschool DC and no babysitters while BIL's DC are all teenagers. I'd never expect them to arrange his birthday around our DC.

SpiderVersed · 21/06/2022 16:47

Just do it.

Finding a babysitter isn’t exactly rocket science, most people have to do it if they want to socialise.

Original poster
Candlescuddlesandpizza · 21/06/2022 16:47

@CatherinedeBourgh good question, there were times that we were simply told, no children invited - get a babysitter.

Other times meals were arranged for 9pm and we were told that no one wants to eat earlier. Who wants an overtired child in a nice restaurant?

OP posts:
Notmytiep · 21/06/2022 16:49

what everyone above said

Crankley · 21/06/2022 16:52

IncompleteSenten
I would and if they said anything I'd say oh it'll be fine don't worry. Remember when our kids were little? We went to all sorts of events such as your x and your y and your z that weren't suitable for children. Just get childcare like we did. It'll be great.
But I'm a cow so 🤷‍♀️

I must be a cow too. I would go with this, OP.

timestheyarechanging · 21/06/2022 16:52

Go for it! Hope you all have a lovely time.
For my 40th I had a private dining thing for 30+ family and friends, no children. So anyone who couldn't get childcare didn't come and I did something separate with them.
Also did something different with my children on the actual day.
Good job I celebrated that milestone as it was full lockdown for my 50th and I did buggar all!
Enjoy your night out somewhere where your husband has chosen to spend it.

bobbinsboo · 21/06/2022 16:59

Absolutely book the nice restaurant that you and your DH want. It's time you put yourself first for a change by the sound of it. If your SIL is not happy then that's her problem-they didn't think to put you first all those years ago. Stand firm in your decision. If she's remotely reasonable, she'll understand and let your DH have the evening he wants.

theremustonlybeone · 21/06/2022 17:04

book a nice restaurant- Its your DH special birthday and he should be prioritised. Book it and send the invites. they either come or dont. Dont be guilted into changing plans

JudgeJ · 21/06/2022 17:15

PuffinMcStuffin · 21/06/2022 16:22

Go for it, but don't get grumpy if SIL doesn't come (win win 😁)

Or tell her you can recommend a good baby sitter, from experience.

JudgeJ · 21/06/2022 17:17

frazzledasarock · 21/06/2022 16:44

Will this cause a row tho?

will your IL’s come if their DD and her DC are excluded?

if it has potential to kick off do the fancy dinner with your immediate family and maybe close friends.
and do the Pizza Hut celebration with your IL’s

Why should it cause a row as this is how things have always been, those with young children get a baby sitter? What is it about becoming a mother that makes women so selfish and forgetful???