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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU rent bills & partner. What’s fair?

50 replies

CollJ · 21/06/2022 09:23

Been with my current partner for 3.5 years.
we both are newly divorced after very long marriages (16/17 years)
I have 4 children (17,15,11 and 7) eldest 2 are 50/50 with their dad. Youngest 2 go their dads every twice a week but we do 50/50 in school holidays (so 6.5 weeks a year each)
partner has 3 children, eldest is 18 and lives with us. His 2 daughters live with their mother and visit occasionally but don’t sleep as they are local.
lockdown encouraged us to move in together as both were furloughed but it wasn’t 100% all in. After lockdown he worked away 3/4 nights a week and as I was going through a hard divorce I wanted to wait to be totally legit anyway. i have moved house a few times as I’ve had to rent Whilst going through my divorce as I left the house I owned with my husband due to domestic violence. Anyway things are all settled and the divorce has gone through et cetera and I have the money to buy my own home which I have just purchased, this means I will no longer get any support with rent and I will be around £700 a month worse off. My partner has never really contributed much but as I felt like we hadn’t moved in properly together I never asked and he also works away a lot. He no longer works away and he’s at home every day and we are definitely moving into the new home together properly. I’m not sure how we are meant to split things as he often says he has no money and I feel I can’t ask but no I’m going to be worse off I’m feeling a little frustrated as he seems to be okay to go on days out with the lads and also have his hobbies such as golf which cost a couple of grand a year. I need to work out a way how I’m going to talk about it and a fair way to split it because I do have the children but their dad does pay child maintenance for them and they do spend a lot of time at their dads his eldest son pays rent to me at £40 a month which isn’t a lot but to be fair he spends a lot of time at his girlfriends and rarely eat there. It’s mainly just a place to get his head down if his girlfriend is at uni. How do I approach this?

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 21/06/2022 09:28

You cannot allow him to live with you without paying anything

YellowHpok · 21/06/2022 09:31

Hang on so he's expecting to live there rent free whilst you parent his eldest whilst he works away?

The fact you don't feel you can raise this with him speaks volumes.

Don't move him in, it will end badly.

user1471457751 · 21/06/2022 09:32

Just be careful and don't get him to contribute to the mortgage/paying rent as he could end up building a beneficial interest in the house. May best to stick to a percentage of all other bills

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/06/2022 09:33

His son pays you rent but he doesn't??
work out how much the bills will be and tell him that half of that is for him to cover. Ask him to set up a standing order at the beginning of every month. If he balks, don't move in with him.
don't charge him rent though - keep the mortgage yours alone.

Glasscabinet · 21/06/2022 09:37

OP you need to tread very carefully here.

ask him what his plans are? Where is he planning to live?

he should be paying 1/3 of all costs as a bare minimum + a bit more for wear and tear. If he begrudgingly agreed to pay that you’ll know you’re with a freeloader.

Whatever00 · 21/06/2022 09:38

Don't let he move it. He is taking the piss out of you.

MuchTooTired · 21/06/2022 09:38

So you pay for your 4 kids, the house and his eldest kid, and for his other two when they stop by? And he pays nothing? He’s royally taking the piss!

Does his eldest work, or is he in uni? How much does your partner earn?

I'm personally a fan of all in one pot and equal spends, but I appreciate that’s not for everyone. It just seems so unfair that he gets his hobbies and time out with the lads, whilst you get… what exactly? Unless he starts paying his fair share, I’d be moving to your house without him tbh, at least then your costs would massively reduce as you’re not paying for two other adults and a couple of kids.

KneeQuestion · 21/06/2022 09:39

Why on earth are you letting this man and his adult son live off you?

seriously you need to be single for a bit and work on asserting your boundaries.

HogInAManger · 21/06/2022 09:42

Of course he can pay you rent without this creating a beneficial interest in the house. If this were the case no one would ever take in a lodger!

Charge him the same as he would pay in a house share of three paying adults. Presumably 1/3 bills and rent. He would have to pay this level of cost if renting/house sharing elsewhere.

durianeater · 21/06/2022 09:45

Both he and his adult son need to pay the going rate for house share. If they don't they can move out. If his son can't afford it then he has to pay the difference. If they weren't living with you then he'd have to sort it out. I bet you're running round doing the laundry, housework and cooking too. For goodness sake, it's your house!!

durianeater · 21/06/2022 09:46

I would also talk to someone like Shelter or Citizens Advice to see if it's better to just take the money as a contribution, or to actually label it rent. Make sure there is no way he could ever claim to a share of your home.
To be honest I'd be turfing him and his son out. This isn't a partner for life, he's a cock lodger.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 21/06/2022 09:48

I wouldn't charge him rent*, but he should pay a full share of the bills (to cover him and his son) and contribute to maintenance and decoration.

*On the grounds that I wouldn't want to pay rent to a partner who owned the house but I didn't. In that scenario I would be building up my savings in case the relationship ended and I needed to find somewhere else to live. If we later married or shared ownership of the house, my savings could be shared.

SpilltheTea · 21/06/2022 10:00

They both should be paying the going rate for a house share. Why are you letting them mooch off of you?

frazzledasarock · 21/06/2022 10:03

He should pay his share of bills and also pay for living at your house, less than the going rate as he'd be sharing a room with you but he should pay for living at yours too. He would be paying rent if he lived elsewhere at a high rate plus covering all his own bills and costs.

If you can't discuss this with him or he has not actually approached you to discuss it, I'd rethink moving in together. Why can't you both live in your own places and continue dating?

Naunet · 21/06/2022 10:03

Sorry OP, I’m a bit confused, his son lives with you and pays you £40 a month, but your partner doesn't? How did you end up housing his son? Why only £40 a month?

He sounds like a potential cock lodger, don’t dance around money, sit down, work out what is genuinely fair (£40 a month sure as hell isn’t), and then tell him what you expect. If he refuses, he doesn’t get to live with you, and neither does his son.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 21/06/2022 10:07

I think your previous dv relationship groomed you to be expected to be treated very poorly by partners. This situation isn't acceptable.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/06/2022 10:07

He's a cocklodger. Why on earth would you allow this freeloader to live with you?

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 21/06/2022 10:08

This is batshit.
get your bar off the floor and look elsewhere

CrotchetyQuaver · 21/06/2022 10:09

£10/week for the son is a joke in itself. Working off the going rate in your area for an adult in a house share seems a realistic way to sort things. Plus contributions to cover food on top of that of course! I hope you get it all sorted

DenholmElliot1 · 21/06/2022 10:12

Where was he living when you both met?

LittleOwl153 · 21/06/2022 10:33

He should be paying the equivalent of 50% of all bills except mortgage. Yes that's a little over given you have '2 extra kids' but he is paying no rent...

I'd have an idea of what this figure is and say to him that that is what he needs to pay if he is going to move in.

A nice breezy conversation perhaps when you've been doing stuff for the move... " oh I was looking at the bills and thinking about the move can we say you will pay £500 a month towards bills - can you set it up as a standing order so I know whats coming in and when? And we can set up a separate kitty for food and groceries once we're in. I'll cover the mortgage as its obviously my house".

All said in 1 breath with no room to argue. If he says he hasn't got any money/ that much then ask him what his plans are when you give up your lease - does he want to take it on on his own? He can't live with you for nothing and the house is costing you big money so if he wants to live there he needs to contribute.

You have been taken for a ride so far, as others say probably a scar from.previous relationships. Present this as a done deal to him, its not a discussion where he wears you down to paying everything again...

Luidaeg · 21/06/2022 10:35

DisplayPurposesOnly · 21/06/2022 09:48

I wouldn't charge him rent*, but he should pay a full share of the bills (to cover him and his son) and contribute to maintenance and decoration.

So he should live there rent free??

I completely disagree, he should pay towards his living costs, and that includes rent

Amid · 21/06/2022 11:18

Do not move in with him until this is sorted. Tred very carefully.

Do not allow him to contribute nothing. He should be paying for half of all bills.

Annasgirl · 21/06/2022 11:32

Please do the freedom programme OP. You do not seem to have fully recovered from your previous relationship- this one is a no go.

You need to split up - what are you teaching your children about relationships and boundaries by letting the 18 year old son of a “partner’ live with you for a total contribution of £40 a month? Your partner is happy to take money from the mouths of your children - that is what is happening, by letting him freeload, you are taking money from your own children, money you could spend on food, clothes, holidays - lifestyle.

Dancefever · 21/06/2022 11:48

What?! He doesn’t pay a penny for anything?

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