AIBU rent bills & partner. What’s fair?

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Been with my current partner for 3.5 years.
we both are newly divorced after very long marriages (16/17 years)
I have 4 children (17,15,11 and 7) eldest 2 are 50/50 with their dad. Youngest 2 go their dads every twice a week but we do 50/50 in school holidays (so 6.5 weeks a year each)
partner has 3 children, eldest is 18 and lives with us. His 2 daughters live with their mother and visit occasionally but don’t sleep as they are local.
lockdown encouraged us to move in together as both were furloughed but it wasn’t 100% all in. After lockdown he worked away 3/4 nights a week and as I was going through a hard divorce I wanted to wait to be totally legit anyway. i have moved house a few times as I’ve had to rent Whilst going through my divorce as I left the house I owned with my husband due to domestic violence. Anyway things are all settled and the divorce has gone through et cetera and I have the money to buy my own home which I have just purchased, this means I will no longer get any support with rent and I will be around £700 a month worse off. My partner has never really contributed much but as I felt like we hadn’t moved in properly together I never asked and he also works away a lot. He no longer works away and he’s at home every day and we are definitely moving into the new home together properly. I’m not sure how we are meant to split things as he often says he has no money and I feel I can’t ask but no I’m going to be worse off I’m feeling a little frustrated as he seems to be okay to go on days out with the lads and also have his hobbies such as golf which cost a couple of grand a year. I need to work out a way how I’m going to talk about it and a fair way to split it because I do have the children but their dad does pay child maintenance for them and they do spend a lot of time at their dads his eldest son pays rent to me at £40 a month which isn’t a lot but to be fair he spends a lot of time at his girlfriends and rarely eat there. It’s mainly just a place to get his head down if his girlfriend is at uni. How do I approach this?

Thank you for all the responses!
he doesn’t work away anymore and keeps saying he needs to pay now we are moving in together but there always seems to be something in the way, like half towards his daughters prom dress, or tyres bills etc…
I don’t have an issue with his son tbh as ljke I said he’s rarely here, doesn’t eat or sleep here much at all and is also very helpful with the dogs etc.. (I got a dog last year and a few months later his son moved in and brought his dog too) he pays for his dogs food and I pay for ours.
But I can’t help feel a bit shit.
He seems to want to help but never does. I feel like it’s because I get spousal maintenance from my ex husband which is only till my youngest is 10 in 3 years.

So my main question I suppose is how would you split it fairly? Taking children into account too.

our incomes are
him: income £1600pm.outgoings £800pm which is mainly fuel, child maintenance to his ex, phone bill, a small loan all coming to around £5-600 then he also smokes, needs car fuel, golf and food at work.

me:
Income £2k spousal maintence but this is due to stop in 3 years. I’m currently retrained and building up a new business. child maintenance £600 some universal credit. Outgoings, rent £1500 but this is dropping to 880 for my mortgage when we move. Council tax 150 Internet 70 water 79 this used to be 40. Gas and electric was 90 but has gone up to 250 with prices rising recently. It did slightly rise to 140 in lockdown. I also pay for school dinners for the children, dog food, I pay a gym membership which I’m not expecting him to pay for as it’s my choice and it’s mainly for my children to use rather than myself, I’ve had to get a mortgage on the house that I’m buying even though I have quite a large deposit due to having four children. my boys can’t share as my eldest boy has ADHD so he needs his own space. He is 17. My car is paid out right but I probably need a new one as it’s over 10 years old and the cost of fuel is ridiculous. I’m currently paying around £90 a week on fuel since their price rise. I pay my car insurance and house insurance I can’t really think of everything on the spot but my outgoings along with everything else usually leaves me with £400 for none essential things like kids days out, hair appointments for me and 4 kids, birthdays etc.. but now I’m buying my own home and my income will be dropping, I will be £250 short each month which I’m stressing about as this means I won’t have the money for the none essential things. Which I know sounds silly but I feel me and my children are losing out when we should be better off.
thinking about it I will be even more worse off once he moves in officially as I currently get 25% discount on council tax.

how should this be split fairly?

He needs to pay you rent. The going rate for a house share. The utility can be split in a per head basis including council tax. If his son doesn't have the funds then that part is allocated to your partner as you are responsible for your children. I would be wary of him agreeing then going back on it because of his actions to date.

Rent will not give him a share in your house but a short cohabitation agreement setting this out and signed by you both with payment made on a set date after pay day will help concentrate everyone's minds. It is not fair for him to live off you if he wasn't with you he would have to pay his own way.

Do not try to justify it on your out of pocket expenses he will still be getting a good deal. If he won't sign a cohabitation agreement don't move him in. Set it all out and if he quibbles ask what he thinks is fair as surely he's not expecting you to support him.

It will be much harder to get anything if you move him in without setting this up first. It won't be fair on your own kids.

This.

You are being a mug, OP.

Maybe think of how mucb he would have to pay to house himself and his son to start with.....an awful lot more than £40 a month...

I would suggest at least 50/50 based on costs...if you assume same income approx... add all costs and split them

If you cant have this conversation with him you need to not move in with him

He doesnt move on unless he pays rent and a portion of the bill's. Might even be worth writing up a lodgers agreement since it's very early days.

Well, you seem to have swapped domestic abuse with financial abuse.
From your tone I'm guessing you don't see it and aren't in the right place to put a stop to it (...yet).
So in that case, for the next few years, I would suggest you open a joint account and set up a direct debit from your individual accounts for 90% of you "salary" to go into the joint account the day after you get paid. That is your joint money you have available for all bills and expenses and anything for anyone in that household.

What everyone else says, seriously why does he need to live with you (no doubt he will love being looked after - meals cooked, washing done, sharing your bed ?). What's in it for you? And what about your DC, do they want this man in their lives? He sounds a total cock lodger - doesn't work (why not?) yet spends his money on golf, pub nights etc.
get rid of him & get yourself some self esteem.

Why are you letting this man sponge off you and your children?

Are you that desperate for a partner that you swapped domestic abuse for financial abuse?

You need a decent partner" who considers you a team, Not this leach.
His son understands he has to pay his way( I know it's only a small amount, principle is the same)
So why doesn't his Father?
Do not move him into your owned house until this is sorted, and DD set up. He's taking the Piss

This shouldn’t be a remotely delicate conversation. It’s quite concerning that it is and I would advise you to think twice about having him move in right now.

but if you are going to proceed…

start by looking at what he would be spending on rent, utilities, and other expenses for himself and his children if he were living on his own. He shouldn’t automatically expect his expenses to go down with cohabitation just like you shouldn’t expect your expenses to go up.

This is a maths problem only. Work out who is an adult who is not. An adult = 1

If the teens eat like adults they count as 1. His eldest counts as 1 as he's with you full time. But from what you've said it's more like 50/50 with his gf.

Your 2 oldest teens count as 1/2 each as they are 50/50.

Your younger 2 probably count as a 1/2 too. But you could work out a more exact proportion.

If the ones that don't stay the night don't wash and eat their evening meal with they probably count as 1/4 each or possibly less.

How much is your BF paying in rent currently?

How much is your mortgage?

How much would make you feel like he cared? Aim for this.

How little would make you feel used? Don't accept this much.

Keep it simple - half of all household bills (council tax, utilities incl internet) - get him to set up a direct debit for the day after pay day to cover those - plus a decent contribution to food.

I tend to agree with everyone that he's using you though. This really concerns me He seems to want to help but never does. Convenient, that. Remember that actions speak louder than words - it's not enough to promise, he must follow thru.

Do you also feel like you don't want to pay rent to a landlord who owns a house?

I would agree, on balance.

Half of bills is probably fair. Taking into account that the mortgage is in your name only so your sole benefit (if this was posted as a woman moving into a man's place then all the advice would be that you shouldn't be paying any rent towards someone else's mortgage!), but at the same time he does benefit by not having to live elsewhere and pay rent.

He has the equivalent of 1.5 people (himself and his son, who as you say is rarely there), you have the equivalent of around 3.5 (you, two older teens 50/50, two younger with you the majority of the time). So on that basis he probably should be paying around 1/3 of bills, but given that he's saving on rent then 50/50 sounds fair to me - perhaps with an agreement to cover ad hoc costs 50/50 as well, eg. If you needed a new fridge or a boiler repair or something.

Sorry but he’s using you. Every penny you spend on him is money taken from your own dc. If he wanted to pay his share he would be. Get rid.

You wanted numbers.... So looking at the bills you have stated you have bills of
£200 council tax( you shouldn't be claiming reduction with him or his adult son living with you),
£70 internet (how? That can be reduced!)
£80 water and
I'm going to suggest £400 gas and elec. For price and use rises
So £750 a month? Plus £1500 rent currently? £2250 total

By him moving in you will also loose the universal credit as his income will be counted (as will his adult sons I believe...)

Either that is split by person
You, 50% of 2 teens, part of 2 younger kids =3
Him, adult son, small part of 2 younger kids =2.5?
Don't know whether that's a fair add up - but it will do!
£2250 / 5.5 = £410

So £1227 for you and £1022

If you don't count his little kids and reduce yours
Him =2, you =2.5 it makes the maths easier £500 per person so £1000 him and son and £1250 you.

Even including your smalls as a whole person the split should be 2/5ths 3/5ths so £450 per person or £900 him and £1350 you.

Either way, pre move you and your kids are subsidising him by around £1000 a month. Before you add in food.

If you look at post move with mortgage payment your total house spend is £1630, using the 5ths split this would give you £326 per person, £652 him and £978 you.

I don't personally think you should not charge him any kind of rent contribution - I k ow others have views on this because of the legal position of claiming ownership.

If you go with just the £750 running costs then £150 per person - £300 him, £450 you.

But bear in mind that none of my calcualtions include any food/groceries etc.

Does he officially love elsewhere? You talk about him moving in officially - but given his adult son bases himself with you I get the feeling that he has no other address?

If that's correct I would approach him by saying that now his isn't working away you need to add him to the council tax and that in doing so you will loose your UC so you need him to commit to making fair contributions to the household every month on pay day by standing order - no excuses. Given my calculations in pp above and his income I would pitch it at £700-£750pm which includes reasonable groceries/standard toiletries but not treats/takeaways etc.

My guess is that he will say there is no way he can afford that and you are taking him for a ride etc. At which point I would be telling him that neither he nor his son will be moving to the new house with you as you cannot afford for that to happen it is taking too much away from your kids.

If you can’t just discuss this openly then there’s no real relationship. You shouldn’t consider living with someone if you can’t discuss money properly.

Op

im afraid that love does not pay the rent as they say

no decent man would accept being financially supplemented by a woman under the circumstances you describe him being in

you have got four children, a mortgage, and all that costs a lot of money without subsidising his living costs!!

I can see this man rubbing his hands with glee at your prosperous position thinking one day he will marry you and take a share of your current home!

if you find conversations like this hard send him a text or WhatsApp

hey dicky

just to let you know I have been doing some sums with regards to the move and I think xxxx is a fair contribution.

i have a lot of outgoings and I cannot afford to subsidise you going forward.

pleasw let me know once you have set the DD up

He should pay rent and bills. End of . If he can't afford it then he must give up his golf and smoking. If you weren't around he would have to pay rent, bills, council tax etc

I gave my mum half my apprentice wage at 17 how is this grown man paying you nothing.

She then got half my 'qualified' wage before I moved out.

Op this is a piss take.

You have no balance in this relationship at all.

40 a month would not even cover basic costs for his son and your partner is living life like a bachelor without any responsibilities.

I'm also agreeing with other posters who suggest you need to step back and sort out your head, develop healthy boundaries in relationships before diving into the next... You really need to consider why you're with someone like this who's happy to take £ from YOUR children, by you subsidizing his family!

Your setup at the moment is mad.

And you're considering going further in?!?

“he doesn’t work away anymore and keeps saying he needs to pay now we are moving in together but there always seems to be something in the way, like half towards his daughters prom dress, or tyres bills etc…“

Even his only just turned adult son living there part time pays more than him! 😡

There just isn’t a “how do we split this fairly” conversation to be had. He’s an arsehole, taking the piss, and I don’t think he can come back from that. He’s using you. Discard him as a no longer needed post divorce comfort blanket, and make sure not to make a mistake like him again.

Enjoy your lovely new home, the feeding from your ex, the new possibilities from the training and the spousal maintenance- without this millstone of a man.

*freedom from your ex