Is it me who is the problem?

[Onlyrainbows]

I don't consider myself a "Karen" but I don't understand why I sometimes do clash with people. I used to think it was them, but maybe it's me? (Or maybe I just need to go back to sleep it's my birthday after all!)

Two examples:

Some time ago I was made redundant and was desperate for a job. I contacted career coaches and charities. The coaches seemed for the most part predatory (or didn't seem to offer quick fixes) but the charity was the worst. Their whole ethos is to get remote jobs. They were never honest that they really worked for entry level jobs and that I was out of their "scope". Never helped with my CV, and gave me very basic interview coaching that I didn't need (I wanted to discuss the feedback that I had received so far). I eventually found a job myself and signed off their services. They asked for feedback (and gave it) and was supposed to sign some forms so they could get funding from the local council, they never got back to me (but have always wondered why).

Lated one was a specialist nurse at my local hospital. I went back to visit my family across the pond and got a second opinion because a) it's easy and cheap b) I wanted to know what the protocols were over there. It never was because I mistrusted the NHS or anything, it's just a normal thing to do over there. The consultant gave a completely different diagnosis (much worse) and suggested swift action. Bear in mind I was on the public hospital pathway as it's a hybrid system, but ultimately the doctors had nothing to gain from me at this point. So I came back and asked for second/third opinion over here. It was a while saga, had to put a complaint with PALS etc...

So I don't know .. have I had by luck? Is it my tone of voice? (Which can come across as louder), my American accent?

I've never had this sort of issues at work, so I don't think it's necessarily me, but maybe even after 12+ years living in the UK I still haven't cracked down how to read people? Or how to request for things?

If you are going to get a second opinion somewhere else, they don't need to be told that, or made to understand understand your reasoning.
And it is going to come across like you don't trust their diagnosis.

Obviously different if your asking for a secound opinion within the same hospital.

karenismyname.org/renamer
You completely alienated me by using a misogynistic term

Misogyny is bad enough, but far worse when used by a woman.

No-one's a Karen. Please stop using misogynist slurs.

This. Your Op is very confusing

Didn’t read past the “Karen” comment. Stop with the misogynistic bullshit.

I don't understand the second scenario, but the first sounds like the service you needed was beyond what they were offering. I think pointing out the issue was fine and hopefully useful (and not filed in the bin).

I would say from this thread you ignore things you don’t like to hear.
E.G. Karen - Completely ignored everyone who has asked you to address it.

This! I despair at women using this term.

In the first scenario, you went to the wrong sort of place for help. A charity like this is set up to help people who needs help with the basics. You’d have been better off with a recruitment agency, in particular one for your own field. But it sounds as though your reaction was the issue when you realised that the service wasn’t right for you.

Getting annoyed (which is what it sounds like you did) isn’t helpful or professional. You should just have said calmly that you hadn’t properly understood what they could offer and it wasn’t appropriate for you, and left.

The charity clearly didn’t feel they could claim their fee from your local authority after your feedback, so they have acknowledged that their service didn’t meet your needs. That was the correct course of action, and I don’t see why it’s upset you so much. It’s the charity which is out of pocket, not you or your LA.

In the second scenario, I can see why a health professional would feel put out at being told you didn’t trust their diagnosis so you went elsewhere for a second opinion and were now looking for a third. I wonder if you tackled this matter in a way which was also overly annoyed or inappropriate, given your reaction in the first scenario? It’s also well known that doctors in the US over-diagnose in order to generate income, so I can see why a UK HCP might feel a bit doubtful about it.

In both cases you weren’t wrong to be disappointed with how things turned out, but I’d be very interested to see exactly how you handled the interactions with people about them. If your feelings are very much on the surface and you let people know exactly how you feel about things, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.

Okay

Another one who couldn't get past the Karen shit.

Agree about the use of ‘Karen’, it’s horrible. Why would you use it to describe your own behaviour?

The first example, the service was of no benefit to you. You had adequately described what you needed and they should have been upfront if they couldn’t help rather than wasting both of your time. You gave feedback accordingly. There is no issue.

The second example you simply sought a second opinion. While some NHS staff seem to take great offence at that, I think it should be actively encouraged. It worked out well for you as they identified that your condition was more severe than first thought. There is no issue.

Unless you were shouting and screaming and using offensive language which I assume you would have mentioned (although I have seen some pretty big drip feeds on here) both of the above scenarios were perfectly reasonable. Perhaps if you stop buying into misogynistic stereotypes about women you would realise that.

But it's perfectly reasonable of them to do that re the funding. It's nothing to do with you. Im confused again about the reference to crying in a session.

The nurse did say "they're trying to scare you" and ""their opinion is invalid" but she wasn't able to elaborate on it

This.

I don't think you actually read what @Testina said about the charity not being geared to help you. That's possibly why they didn't claim from the council.

Could the issue be that you are not listening to people? I don't mean to be mean, I sometimes miss what people are telling me as well, as I hear what I think they're saying, and I'm sometimes wrong.

Maybe? I was quite clear to ask if they could help me, as I prefer a black and white answer.

Happy Birthday firstly!

It’s so hard to comment precisely based on two examples but I get the sense that you are dismissive and I wonder if you, possibly inadvertently, come across as patronising and dismissive of other people and their input or skills? You can decide that a charity’s employment support service isn’t pitched right for you and thank them for their input and swiftly go elsewhere. You can seek a second opinion on a diagnosis and use that information to ask useful questions to clarify things without getting someone’s back up by implying you think their knowledge isn’t up to scratch. Are you a bull in a china shop?

Using the Karen term makes you seem unaware as it’s clearly a misogynistic term. Saying you try not to be a Karen rather implies you apply this label to others. I wonder if you have a low opinion of other women and that comes across loud and clear?

I literally use the term Karen as that's the easiest way to summarize a "let me speak to the manager" type of personality. I mean Karen or Keith I don't care, what I mean is the complaining type

I.e. the charity made me feel stupid and inadequate. The nurse made me feel like I was berating her, I truly wasn't. Someone is wrong who I don't know, and that's all I want to figure out.

Oh, that's soooo much better.... 🙄

OMG give it a rest Clary. I think 50 people telling OP off is enough.

So you’ve just generalised again. Used misogyny again. It’s not acceptable.

It I my happened that I complained with other females, I've complained with males too, that genuinely has no weigh in any of my thoughts but if you want to derail the convo based in the best term I could think of when I had slept 4 hours and on my birthday, good for you.. I'll ask MNHQ to edit my faux pas