AIBU about husband's latest eating phase

[WhatAPickle11]

Where do I start?
So my ds has a long term anxiety problem. He's seen a variety of Gps, counsellors and a psychiatrist over the years. He's got a sensitive (nervous) stomach and psoriasis. Both of these things have been checked out but have gone on for years. From what I see, the underlying cause for all his symptoms is anxiety. No other cause has ever been found medically. DH lives on his nerves, he's very restless, doesn't sleep well. He was put on citalopram at the start of the year. Literally after the first day, he said it had worked, then he felt anxious again so got the dosage increased. Now a few months later, he claims there's no effect at all and is taking himself off it.

So his latest thing, after doing his own internet research, dh has decided that his stomach and skin could be due to gluten and lectins. So he's decided (as of yesterday) to cut out all gluten (even gf products), peas, peanut butter, porridge, rice, pasta, bread, white potatoes, etc. There's a long list. Of course, maybe those foods could be provoking things for DH but he hasn't been diagnosed with a food intolerance. I've offered to pay privately for him to see someone (maybe a dermatologist for his skin and go from there) but DH is reluctant to do this.

So today he didn't have breakfast or eat anything until he got home from work at 4pm. He then had a kefir yoghurt and berries. For dinner he has had fish soup and a few walnuts afterwards. That will be it for the day. I said to him, why doesn't he take a piece of fruit to work at least and he said no. He wants to also do a semi fast. He's done fasting before and it's never helped in the past. All I see is that it makes his mood 100 times worse! He's a very slim man with a low bmi anyway, I'm worried what he's going to be doing to himself via something he's read on the Internet.

We have a baby and toddler, both work and life gets busy, chaotic and stressful at times. He really needs to look after himself. I've tried saying all this but he just says I'm nagging and to stop.

Just to add, DH is very much one for phases. And whatever the latest phase is, he's always certain it will be the answer to all his problems.

Do I just let him get on with it? Am I justified to be worried about this new phase? AIBU to get frustrated with him?

Let him get on with it. There’s lots of evidence in his favour.

I'd let him have a go. Stress can make psoriasis flare up more but it doesn't directly cause it - it's autoimmune and can be very linked to diet. I also suffer from anxiety, bad digestion and psoriasis and I found that eating an anti-inflammatory diet worked really well and I felt great.

Oh and just to add - I was also once prescribed citalopram and felt quite high for the first couple of days, before it settled down, and after 6 months I also came to the conclusion that it hadn't made any difference. It does need a few months to work but if it isn't working, staying on it long term will make it difficult to come off again.

I'd let him get on with it. Actually, I not sure I like the word 'let' as he's an adult who can eat how he wants to. There's a huge amount of support for time restricted eating, and cutting out lecithins cuts out a large amount of ultra processed foods, which can only be good for anyone. If he wants to take fruit for work he can, if not then that's fine. I wouldn't be promoting him like a teenager. His diet is his to control, and you nagging him about it will make in 1) stick to it more stubbornly and 2) feel less able to come to you about concerns he has for fear of an 'I told you so'.

You mention that his mood is worse and if he's taking that out on that family, that's not ok. I wouldn't link it to his eating habit for him, but if he's being excessively cranky then he needs to be told that that's not acceptable.

Buy him a copy of ‘Food isn’t medicine’ by Joshua Wooldrich might help him debunk the food myths.

Well, whatever else he is or isn't restricting, this sounds like he will also be restricting calories quire significantly on this amount of food, which if you say he is quite slim already, could be a worry.

Basically, I would not try to stop my husband eating what he wanted (though I do gently encourage him to eat more fruit and veg by trying to present it to him in ways that are appealing - because I love him and want him to live as long as possible) but if he was not eating enough and was rapidly losing weight, then I would try hard to support him in eating more, although I know that isn't easy.

Unusual eating - let them get on with it. Disordered eating - try to support them to change.

Starving himself isn't going to help his mood surely, but he's an adult and he'll do what he wants to do so in that respect there's not a lot you can do about it really.

But as pp said, if his disordered eating makes him cranky and he starts taking his bad mood out on you or your family then yes, he needs it made very clear that you won't accept that.

He sounds like he’s got some further mental health needs OP. He is ‘orthodox‘ eating to an extreme - yogurt, berries, fish soup and walnuts is not enough food to feed a man. Have a look at an eating disorder called ‘orthorexia’.

Sorry but there’s no evidence that an extremely limited diet and about 400 calories a day is anywhere close to healthy.

His diet is completely unsustainable - let him crack on with it - he will soon get bored. He may well have a food intolerance, but he really should see a dietitian and address it properly.

My husband was like this with food phases and it was only after we separated after a lifetime together that I realized he was Autistic. Very high functioning. But definitely autistic. It explained so much and to be honest I don’t know how I managed to handle it yet alone handle it whilst looking after our adult son who is on the very opposite end of the spectrum to his dad.

I bent over backwards to make sure my husbands dietary requirements were catered to but I shudder now when I think of it and I could never do it again. In fact I can still recall the day I almost fainted when he came home and said he was planning on treating his gout differently when I’d only just got used to what he’d decided a few weeks earlier. The room actually started to spin.

Its okay to get fed up and to tell your husband (kindly) you can’t cope with his dietary needs anymore, and whilst your ok with helping him you can’t actually take control of them for him.

Well as long as he looks after his own meals and doesn’t make extra work for you, I’d let him crack on.

Problem is, it sounds as though somewhat shaky mental health underlies his behaviour. That is potentially quite a burden on you as well.

I would suggest only cutting out one of those at a time as it’s an awful lot to cut out with both of those at once, and if he does improve how will you know which one is the issue.

I would not want kids growing up around disordered eating and thinking it’s normal to deliberately undernourish themselves.

Could you perhaps suggest to him that he tries a recognised exclusion diet?
This is fairly old, but was devised by Addenbrooke's hospital so is probably fairly reliable for a starting point

Tell him to check out my goodness recipes on Instagram, the lady Hanna Sillitoe cured her own psoriasis. Yes cut out gluten, all nightshades, alcohol, sugar and spicy food.
He can get gluten free porridge oats, use plant based milk.
She sells a multi strain probiotic... it gives good results

You've all made such good points. Thank you because it's so useful to hear other thoughts on this.

He needs to find a better eating plan that's for sure, but he isn't far off the mark when it comes to gluten and psoriasis. I am not gluten free but I try to stick to a very low gluten diet and I find it does help with the psoriasis.

The food sounds OK, but I’d be concerned about coming off the Citalopram too early. I’ve found it a life-saver.

@JellyBellyNelly strange you should say that because we're currently in the assessment process for our son who potentially has adhd. My DH is now also wondering if he could have adhd and I would have to agree. It could well tie in with his impulsive and erratic behaviour, including these eating phases.

Oh and he's had many other phases too, like cold bare chested walks in winter, cold showers, cold water swimming etc wim hoff stuff. All phases, never lasts. And countless other things.

@VeronicaBecabunga thank you. That's really helpful.

Totally agree and I've said this to him but unfortunately it's fallen on deaf ears.

This sounds like an eating disorder. Many anxious people start disordered eating behaviours to try and have some control. Could particularly be if he feels a bit out of control elsewhere in your family life. Maybe have a look at the NHS website and see if anything sounds familiar? Sometimes these things can look different in men. All the best.

A lot of those behaviours do fit with ADHD, it's possible - when you mentioned the phases thing initially it made me think of a friend who is all or nothing on phases like this and I'm pretty sure they have ADHD.

Doesn't really help either way, but try to get him assessed if you can. He may want to try medication which could help if diagnosed.

It can be worth cutting out gluten for psoriasis as it does help some people. However, it’s pretty insane to cut out leptins at the same time, as he then won’t be able to identify if the gluten was the issue. And that’s a really restrictive diet.