Help unpacking this please? My life is a mess

[Franklynot]

This is not the life I thought I would have. That sounds so naive. It sounds foolish and childish. I cannot cope with everything on my plate. I am doing many things but all of them, badly.

I have four children and seem unable to give each of them everything they need. If one needs me I have to close a door on another one or tell them to be quiet. They all vie for my attention (ages 8 - 15). There isn't enough of me to go around and I am always so tired and uninterested. I used to be so enthusiastic about parenting. Now they all shout at me, I shout at them. It's everything I tried not to create.

I work full time. We live in a house that is quite literally falling apart at the seams, and though we have enough money to make it at least 50% better, we don't have the time and cannot cope with the upheaval.

My marriage is a mess. There is little affection and we feel like housemates. Most of our conversation is around essential details like logistics and what to cook. He either ignores me or has an outburst in front of the children which I hate because he unsettles and hurts them. He is dependable and I know he will always be there, and will always go to work, support us financially (my salary is small compared to his).

Because there are so many of us (6) my husband dislikes going anywhere as a group. He finds we are too much - and it is very difficult most of the time because the youngest two argue and bicker, and my eldest two can be sulky. It only takes one person to feel upset or moody and everyone is affected.

So there's no real family time. We can't have conversations at dinner because I spend the entire meal asking the children to sit up straight, use their cutlery, eat their food. One child has ADHD (and the house is significantly more peaceful and congenial when he is not at home) and one child has Aspergers.

I want to feel happy and content and enjoy my family, but I just don't know how to make that happen. My kids are unhappy, I am unhappy, my husband is unhappy.

OP the situation currently sounds hugely stressful and you are juggling so much. You’re trying to be amazing at everything and really you just need to do “enough” - I’m sure you are an amazing mum 💐 You sound like you are spread very thinly and urgently need some you time. Have you explained to your husband how you are feeling and could he perhaps help a little more? Would it be possible to work fewer hours? Or for husband to let you have a few hours off a week? Would help you be refreshed to come back to the kids. Overstressed and overstretched is what it sounds like (I recognise it from myself and I am trying to do something to stop being pulled in all directions with no time for myself). Overall look after yourself and do something which will help you to have time and space to relax and the rest will follow xx

Oh poor you, this sounds really tough but I would totally relax at meal times, Is it so bad if the children aren’t sitting up straight, using cutlery etc when everything is so stressful, I bet they are fine if they go to friends etc, you don’t need to be embarrassed of them.

can you divide and conquer a bit? Maybe take the two older ones to a coffee shop and your dh wrangles the little ones, or he takes the little ones to the park and gives you some alone if the big ones are out/vegging.

you are very hard on yourself, you have four kids and a bit of an unsupportive husband, sounds like you are doing great. Try to be a bit kinder to yourself.

you all need more sleep

Oh you poor thing.

get everyone onboard with helping to run the house. Make sure that everyone knows where to put shoes, coats, laundry etc. Give jobs to everyone. Just all of you doing one job each night can and will make a huge difference.
make sure the kids have age appropriate chores and DH is pulling his weight too.

could you drop a day or a day and a half from work? or could you get a cleaner or someone to help with ironing?

make sure you are having some fun together, try to arrange fun, family times. All work and no play really does make Jack a dull boy. Even just a Friday, Saturday and Sunday away in a caravan could be just the tonic you all need, and is something to look forward to.

make sure you and Dh are having your fair share of lie ins at the weekend and don’t feel guilty for lazy days.

I hope you can talk to your dh. Even just talking about it will help. Please don’t continue to try to be superwoman. Hugs to you, you can do this. Star charts and timetables.

If the only real support your husband offers is financial - and that seems to me to be the case - then I’d allow him to shoulder that responsibility fully, and jack my job in.

For two adults to have full-time jobs and parent four kids, they have to pull together and pull equal weight at home. That doesn’t seem to be happening here, so something has to give.

If your job is a vocation, or a much-needed escape for you, then fair enough; keep it and work on getting your husband to be more supportive and step up to the parenting.

But if it’s just for the money, fuck it. It sounds like you could manage without it, and you need time and breathing space more than what you earn. Then you’ll have more energy to deal with the kids and the house, and you won’t be so overwhelmed.

To be clear, I’m suggesting you stay at home because your job brings less money in. Not because you’re the mum.

It sounds like you have been stretched thin for too long.
you probably already know what would help a little short term. If it is for example cooking. Get some ready to eat meals for a couple of weeks. Let the kids choose what they want. Just taking some pressure off will help and then that gives you time to think about longer term. Like dropping down a day at work or something else.
Stop doubting you are a good mother. Good mothers care and you clearly care

I actually agree with this. Or even very part time work just for escapism. You sound so burned out you poor thing.

OP you mention it’s hard to have “family time”. Apart from you, does anyone actually want it? Clearly your DH doesn’t- tbh it sounds like the reality of a big family isn’t something he considered.

The two eldest should be pretty independent?

Are you eating dinner en famille at the table every day? My parents had us do this until I was about 14. We hated it. Luckily once my sister turned 17 she also wanted to address it.

The funny thing is, I think even my parents were relieved to stop having it as a fixed thing. There was no shouting or anything, it was just such a chore feeling forced into it and as teenagers we very much had our own schedule and were happy to cook.

I agree with Shirley about work but that’s a major decision and you might love your work.
The main thing I got from your post is you all need to be around each other less. Should help with the bickering, or at least you will have less of it.

I think a lot of this is just the reality of having 4 children - chaos is kinda inevitable, it's why I stopped at 2! I'd suggest picking your battles a bit more carefully and making sure you get a night off every now and then.

You sound burnt out. That’s understandable. You need a break to think about things as you are in the trench all the time.

can you take some annual leave for a rest? To try to gather yourself and digest the advice here?

all the very best x

I thinK you need to talk and make a plan with your husband and the have a whole team meeting with your kids. Get their suggestions on how things can improve.

You can't do this alone but together even small changes can make a difference.

Go part time, OP, or pack work in all together if you want/can.

Feed the kids together then you and DH can eat alone sometimes. Don't bother nagging them about sitting up straight, let them have tea on a tray in front of the TV sometimes.

Take one of the older ones out for a coffee on their own so you can catch up with their lives.

Can the dc’s help you make the meals?I don’t mean as a chore,just to spend some time together?

Agree with everything said so far apart from you saying that you sound foolish and childish. For that, YABU and exceptionally hard on yourself. You sound bloody knackered and massively overstretched

You sound totally burnt out OP and it is not surprising.
Get your husband on board,
Date night is a must, get a babysitter, a couple of hours is all you need. It is your time to check on each other .
Get a cleaner
Delegate jobs on rotation for pocket money.
Can your eldest mow the grass
Talk about expectations.
Personally sitting down for a meal with children is not viable everyday, I do it 3 times a week tops.
I want to enjoy my meal. I like to talk with my other half without being interrupted, Not getting up and down 10 times, ....
We romanticize the idea of a happy family all seating around the table , talking pleasentries etc but in reality it just doesn't happen, at least in my family, so I cut it down to 3 times and it really is less stressful. We enjoy it more ehen ee sit together.
Also I'd seriously consider cutting my working hours, you are doing too much.

I 'only' have 3 and mine are younger but otherwise, I could have written this word for word.
The only thing that provides me with minimal relief is having someone else babysat one night a week so DH and I can go out together, just the two of us.

Sometimes we are tired, sometimes we are not in the mood but that break from the monotony of our lives, plus time as a couple always does us the world of good. Some weeks we get dressed up and go out for dinner, other times we just do a late night food shop together and have a coffee afterwards, but we never regret doing it. Is that something you could try, even if just once a month to start? Appreciate it's not always easy, especially if your children have SEN.

It's so hard.
Can I suggest, like others have done, that you make sure to "set in stone" you
time. This should be half an hour a day, at least. Have bath, go for a jog, hide in your bed. But it should be a time that noone gets to disturb you.
Also, if finances allow, which you seem to suggest they do, get some external help a couple of times a week. For example a cleaner.
And make sure that you have scheduled time for family time - if that is what everyone else wants. Or date night once a week, or fortnight. This
way you know the time is booked and will happen.
Also, remember, your kids are growing up, they can and should take some responsibility.
Another thing is to try not to take things to heart too much when things don't go as planned, or something goes wrong.
All of this was suggested to me when I was feeling overwhelmed. By someone who had previously been suicidal over her life being too much. She had an unsupportive husband, wild children, very little money and when she started looking after herself, she was able to balance life better and around her, life started to be more manageable.

Out of interest, can I ask why you had 4 children?
It sounds like much of this stress would have been lessened if you'd only had 2.

She can’t really have them reinserted, can she?

Totally get you're burned out but I wouldn't be making myself financially dependent in this circumstance as it doesn't sound like your marriage is in the best place.
Outsourcing is a good idea - get a cleaner etc, and also maybe just lowering your standards with things like meal times etc - something has got to give!

@ImplementingTheDennisSystem prize for the most unhelpful comment of the thread. Out of interest, can I ask what you were hoping to achieve with it? Apart from making the OP feel worse?

OP you sound burned out. You have so much on your plate. If you can, I'd aim to simplify things as much as you can. If you can afford to buy in help, do it. Can you all do a big clear out - I find getting rid of stuff makes me feel physically lighter. Can you and DH afford to take a few weeks of parental leave and dedicate some time to making some changes in the house?

She can't change that now but it should serve as a cautionary tale for all the people on here who insist that baby number 3 and 4 "just fit in" - sure, maybe when they're a baby but not when they're an older human being with their own feelings / needs / wants, as this post shows

I agree with a PP who has said that four children is always going to be pretty chaotic - it's never easy to juggle all those needs, especially when both you and your DH work full-time on top.

So - if you don't earn much and your DH is a good financial support, do you really need to work? I would strongly consider either leaving work or going part-time so that you can give yourself some breathing space.

You also say you can afford to do the house up but couldn't cope with the upheaval - could you pay a cleaner to come in and do a big blitz of the place one day - then if you're off work or on reduced hours you could look at hiring someone to start sorting the house out. Not immediately of course, but it would be much easier to sort out if you're home everyday and not trying to sort everything out from the office.

I wouldn't go part time. It would make you more financially dependent on your husband who you might not stay with in the long term.

I would work with DH to create a list of jobs to address the 'falling apart' house (bearing in mind your point about upheaval) and see what he can take charge of arranging trades for.

I would focus less on getting 'family time' and instead only take out 2 kids at a time - maybe half a day each weekend. I would leave family time to be mostly happened organically, especially with ND children who may wish to opt in or out depending on how they feel that day.

I would keep a cast iron appointment with myself every week. Probably half day every weekend. Something you can look forward to and plan how to spend it as you see fit. If DH won't watch the kids every week see if he will do it 50% of the time and pay for babysitting the other 50%.

I would get a cleaner.

I wouldn't give up work completely, but I would definitely try and go part time. It's just too full on and not possible to manage otherwise.

Get a cleaner to come once a week for 4 hours and maybe a housekeeper type of person who is willing to do 4 hours a week. They can do some meal prep, cooking and organising for you.

The kids are a bit older now so need to be given their own jobs to do and need to be fully participating in helping out and running family life.

In terms of meal times. I sit with my kids while they are eating but realistically it's not always possible for everyone to sit and eat together as my husband doesn't come home until later. How about you eat with your husband later on, once the kids are settled/ in bed and make it your own time to spend with eachother and unwind?