Help unpacking this please? My life is a mess

[Franklynot]

This is not the life I thought I would have. That sounds so naive. It sounds foolish and childish. I cannot cope with everything on my plate. I am doing many things but all of them, badly.

I have four children and seem unable to give each of them everything they need. If one needs me I have to close a door on another one or tell them to be quiet. They all vie for my attention (ages 8 - 15). There isn't enough of me to go around and I am always so tired and uninterested. I used to be so enthusiastic about parenting. Now they all shout at me, I shout at them. It's everything I tried not to create.

I work full time. We live in a house that is quite literally falling apart at the seams, and though we have enough money to make it at least 50% better, we don't have the time and cannot cope with the upheaval.

My marriage is a mess. There is little affection and we feel like housemates. Most of our conversation is around essential details like logistics and what to cook. He either ignores me or has an outburst in front of the children which I hate because he unsettles and hurts them. He is dependable and I know he will always be there, and will always go to work, support us financially (my salary is small compared to his).

Because there are so many of us (6) my husband dislikes going anywhere as a group. He finds we are too much - and it is very difficult most of the time because the youngest two argue and bicker, and my eldest two can be sulky. It only takes one person to feel upset or moody and everyone is affected.

So there's no real family time. We can't have conversations at dinner because I spend the entire meal asking the children to sit up straight, use their cutlery, eat their food. One child has ADHD (and the house is significantly more peaceful and congenial when he is not at home) and one child has Aspergers.

I want to feel happy and content and enjoy my family, but I just don't know how to make that happen. My kids are unhappy, I am unhappy, my husband is unhappy.

I've got 4, now adults. Things that helped me:

Meals round the table once a week. We used to sit and watch the Simpsons whilst having tea.

Film and takeaway nights include everyone. Decide on the film earlier in the day to save arguments.

Flash tidying - we'd all descend on one room and get it done. 20 minutes and the pain is over

Washing up rota that means everyone, including dh, take their turn

Strict bedtimes at a reasonable hour. Teens in their rooms after 9pm for wind down time

Your bath is sacrosanct and no one is allowed to disturb you during that time

Kids start learning to cook. Once they're capable, that's a bit of pressure off you, particularly if they decide what they want to cook

A weekend away for you every few months to recharge

Outsource what you can, whether that's cleaning, home improvements, whatever

Individual time for you and each child - difficult to do often, but mine used to be taking them clothes shopping with a trip to pizza hut for the buffet

These are just little things, but they helped me enormously.

I feel for you. I would, as others suggested - employ a cleaner, 2 hours Monday, 2 hours Friday. Maybe get a deep clean initially.

Take pressure off with family mealtimes, aim for 1 at weekend, 1 through the week - have a week or two of ready meals or freezer meals, to give yourself a break. Alternatively if you’re not happy with that - slow cooker.

If it’s doable, get someone in to put in under stairs storage drawers - it’s a game changer, everyone gets a drawer, school bags, shoes, instruments go in there. Failing that a different colour storage bucket for each child. You may not like them but it’s better than everything muddled up.

if you can - divide and conquer, dh takes two, you take two, this could be to the cinema, trampoline park, play park for little ones etc.

Good Luck - it’s not easy.

i think this is a very familiar feeling for those with multiple children. It’s just not possible for 1 or even 2 parents to do everything in these circumstances.

1. You need some breaks - get as much help as you can (cleaner, get someone to do the ironing, get kids in holiday and after school clubs), book annual leave from work and just have a day at home while kids are in school, put them in afterschool club once per week even if you are at home so you can rest. Don’t feel bad about letting people look after your kids for you to rest for a few hours.

2. Once you’ve started having breaks you will have some space to think about whether there’s things you want to change - tackle them slowly and 1 at a time and give yourself plenty of time to do each one.

Lastly - your husband not wanting to go anywhere as a family - Id suggest you go only to family places where a lot of noise and children is expected (parks, play gyms, trampoline parks) . Don’t go anywhere where people expect kids to behave maturely (restaurants etc). Start with an easy option, close to home, and plan to just stay a short time.

Another thing to try is ‘special time’ - one parent spends time 121 with each child in turn for 10-15 mins. Child can pick what they want to do with you (within reason). Children get their fair share of attention and you may enjoy being able to focus on 1 child at a time. You’ll need the other parent to look after the other kids or you’ll be interrupted though.

I have 4 children too op, so I'm really just here for the replies, and to tell you you're not alone! I totally get what you said about having to close the door on one, if another needs you. My youngest is a toddler at the moment, so he really does get most of the attention, and I end up feeling guilty. The guilt and the noise are my worst things!

What are your thoughts on the job situation, that others have suggested?

Similar situation in a ND household! Things that have helped me hugely:
The older ones can eat in their bedrooms most days (stops a lot of the upset)- goes against a lot of other opinions on here but it really has helped a lot
They all have jobs (only small ones like hoovering a section of the house)- makes a massive difference
Husband always washes up in the evening (this took a bit of an argument but I got there in the end!)
Taking one or two out on their own rather than a whole family outing, took me a while to learn this one!
Making sure they know plans in advance, even timings and expected times for getting ready for bed for example, saves a lot of agro at the time as they're much more receptive to it when they already know the plans
Few easy options for dinner that can be cooked together so they have some choice- this also helps them accept when they don't have the choice as they understand I try to accommodate individual tastes some evenings

ND makes a big difference so I try not to worry about what others think. Also, lower expectations for everything!

Older now but have 6 children, full time job right though. Just try to be good enough, not perfect. Older kids can certainly help out, cook simple meals, an allocated chore etc. You are helping their future partners here too. When it gets too much, do the minimum, clean surfaces, bathroom etc. Make it a priority to get the house sorted if you can, start with the most positive impact / least upheaval project. Don’t give up work both for the financial aspects plus time away when you are not in full on mum mode. Be kind to yourself, wee treats etc. In years to come you will look back and be amazed at how you managed! It is hard, many people find it so with fewer children, just get though as best you can for now and it will get easier.

I abandoned meals round the table except for when extended family also there or roasts for things like Easter/mothers day etc. Also if they had freinds for tea I'd sit the kids round the table.
Everyone whinged and hated eating round the table including me and dh. Stress caused over meal times was starting to cause issues elsewhere.
We ate sat on sofas in front of the TV and it was wonderful - I chose the programme being watched to avoid arguments.
Everyone ate their meals with mostly no arguing/bickering. Anxiety over food reduced.
I didn't confess to freinds who "loved" their family dinners round the table with fabulous conversations - cos our table dinners were like bear pits!

Mine know how to behave round a table now.

Thank you for those replies, some helpful advice so thank you.

I wrote my original post after my husband had walked out over a silly disagreement - we didn't have enough of a favourite snack for everyone to have one, so we agreed to have something else instead. When children left the room, my husband went to help himself to the thing we had just agreed not to eat. Knowing the kids would wander back in and it would create drama when they saw he had gone back on what was agreed, I told him not to - I didn't shout or say anything unkind but I said it in an exasperated way.

He left and is coming back this evening. I am full of anxiety about his return. He will be hostile and ignore me. The kids will be painfully aware. I am emotionally shut off by him. Stone walled. It gets worse if I show him I am distressed or upset about not being able to communicate with him.

Life feels difficult because I have to make all family / life decisions alone and if something then doesn't have an ideal outcome, I feel it's my fault and this leads to me doubting my own judgement all the time. I don't think I used to doubt myself so much. The trouble is, when I make decisions now, I have to make them without my husband's input but try to choose the option I think he will want (that with least upheaval and expense) but it's a guessing game and it's hard not to have someone to bounce things off and discuss.

I feel he doesn't love me. I feel he is full of rage and anger towards me but he does not want show it (other than in passive aggressively) because that would make him the bad guy. I feel horrible - it eats away at me - I am anxious and sad all of the time. I smile and try to be light hearted around the kids but I am sure they can see through me.

My husband seems to escalate things with the kids if I am not 100% there and looking after them. I can't be in the house and not looking after the kids, because he will upset them by shouting, being sarcastic ... he seems to wind them up. I often say it's easier when he isn't around because then I don't have to manage his fall outs with the kids on top of looking after the kids. It's nuts.

Arranging counselling to try to get a clearer picture of what effect this relationship is having on me. Sometimes I think it's my fault. Desperately want to feel happier.

That all sounds completely overwhelming. You've had some great advice. I think you need to let go of what you feel you should be doing (family dinners with elbows tucked in, healthful family walks or outings or whatever) and just focus on what works for you. Sandwiches for tea sometimes, "family time" meaning pizza that someone else has put in the oven, in front of the TV. We (fewer children but additional needs) have fixed points through the week like pizza on Fridays, baguette and bakery cakes on Sat for lunch. Routine helps everyone to feel secure and reduces thinking.

I hear you on the decision making. We talk a lot about the mental load but you combine that with 4 children at 4 different developmental stages and a FT job, yes, it's nuts especially with a partner who's checked out of the management side. All I can suggest is simplify, systemise and automate. If the kids don't get every opportunity you'd like for them, and you don't look like The Waltons at mealtimes, that's ok. If they have a hobby or can have friends round sometimes, that is good enough. For one to one time, keep it simple and systemised. Can you squeeze it in while hanging around for other DC to do activities, or take them out for a hot chocolate after school occasionally? Do one to one bed times once a week? But mainly you need to look at what you cut back, not what you add in, because you're already at your limit. What can you let go of?

If you have the money, outsource some stuff, like cleaning, for example, discuss with the cleaner is she can potentially do the laundry too.
Doesn't have to be all the time but at least once a week or once in two weeks.
Engage children in the chores.
Make family time with a bit of split time. DH can do something with two children, you with the others. Do you have any common hobbies?
I understand this can be too much so just take it step by step. Reserve some time for you and your DH where you don't talk shop (i.e. children, chores etc.). Just the two of you. At 15, the eldest child or older children can babysit and give you some time. TBH, at 15, I wouldn't expect a child to vie for their Mum's attention, quite contrary. Utilise that but reserve some time for them too.

Reading your last post, it sounds like your DH is your biggest problem. You shouldn't be taking all the decisions full stops. Let alone without his input while simultaneously trying to second guess what he would prefer!

I've got 3 kids not 4, all under 6 though, and there's no way it would work without my DH being an equal, useful, active partner. We do have the problem of not finding quality time for each other, always talking about kids/ what's for dinner And I do take the lead on arranging activities BUT he is happy to do things and looks after the kids equally wherever we go. He certainly doesn't make me feel the way you describe and we often tell each other we couldn't do it without the other.

I really feel you need to find time to sit down with him and have an honest conversation. Think about what changes you want to make and tell him. Say it can't go on like this. Because it can't - things will only get worse.

Maybe marriage counselling is a start?

You need to sit down and prioritise. No family is perfect - stop expecting things to be fantastic. Your children are at a bad age - there's lots of noise and squabbling and frankly, they're too big to pick up and put them in their cots! So, holiday sports clubs for all if you can afford it. Tire them out. Kids are like dogs - you have to give them a good run every day to burn a bit of energy. You DO need to instigate chores I think. They'll complain and whine, but if you're firm they'll eventually do them. Say washing / drying for two of them; setting the table for one and tidying the living room floor for one - and swap the chores on a weekly basis so they don't start picking on each other. Ask them what they'd like for tea and let them help you cook the meals - say two a week are the children's choice. Ask the one that helps you cook to do up a fancy menu for the table - that'll be fun and will give them a sense of importance about what they're doing and the meal will be more important. Once a week, you and hubby do the chores - so that the kids feel that they're getting a 'day off' and are thus being respected and appreciated. Get the most important things in your house fixed - nothing makes people feel down than living in a house that's falling to bits. Yes, it'll be a nuisance, but what better time, when there' s changes going on, than instigate the chores? You can use the mess as a reason for them to help out - even they'll be able to see that they need to help out. And please, get some sleep.

OP I really feel for you 💐 take a breath.

1. things are truly not as bad as they seem right now - you are burnt out and feeling overwhelmed, but you are amazing to have just held it all together! (FT job?! 4 kids!!)


2. Beyond your burn out, it sounds like you and your husband have stopped working as a team, and I agree that counselling would be good to consider (he may have similar issues and not be communicating them well).


3. as a short term solution and if you can afford it (sounds like you can from your post), I would strongly suggest getting some help in which would ease the load in some way shape or form for at least a few months - a cleaner, or some extra childcare support for even a couple of the kids.


4. Would also suggest you plan something for yourself which gives you a little time away from family - 1-2 weeks if possible. You have lost perspective right now and need a proper break.

Thank you this is so helpful. Almost need a list of instructions like these because I cannot think clearly. A few days away alone would be heaven.

You thought it would be was having4 kids then? Anyone would know that having kids is hard. On your body. On yourself. On your marriage. This is common knowledge right...
So it is a bit laughable that you now claim it is so hard.
Like that is like biting in an ice cream and then complaining it is so cold. Well duh.

Anyway sorry i am harsh but its true. You made decisions. Now make the best of it. You cant give 4 kids the same amount of attention. But maybe do two kids a day and next day the other two. I really dont know what to do with 4. That's why I don't have. Four.

Based on your last post it won't matter how many takeaways you get or cleaning rotas set up. The problem won't be resolved until your husband either changes or leaves. And whatever you do, don't stop working.

What a ridiculous post, especially considering the OPs latest update.

Wow, so helpful 🙄

How much parenting does your husband actually do OP?

So DH is acting against the good of the family - actively winding the children up and you're walking on eggshells so as not to upset him. He doesn't want the responsibility of caring for the children so he makes sure you feel you can't leave them with him. Agree about keeping your job. And i hope that the counselling is for just you and not couples.

Ah, this sounds like my childhood, there was five of us.
For what it's worth we adored our mother, who sadly passed away this year, and we all knew the effort she expended to try and make us happy even if it was hard.
But seriously, most of the time our life was a loud, chaotic mess and I have no idea how she did it.
But have NO DOUBT of how much we treasured our mum despite the chaos.
I'm sure your children treasure you, kids know when you are doing the best you can, they feel that.
Just keep on going, you have got this. ⭐

4 children here too OP (all under 8). Its hard I know. Depressing reading sniffy comments about having four kids. I love having a big family and it’s lovely in so many ways, but yes it is hard. I would advise trying to carve out some time to yourself, doing something you enjoy. You deserve to be happy OP, your DH sounds like he isn’t contributing much at all.

Oh OP, he's a cruel bully and your post at 9.55 today shows that, although you say you are struggling with clarity, you can see it too. He's not a good father, at all.

Please leave him, you and the kids will be so much happier.

I do agree with some of the previous posters who have pointed out (some in kinder ways than others) that this is somewhat inevitable when you decide to have 4 children. Even with the most supportive spouse it would be impossible to give them each the individual attention they crave. What did you think would happen when you made the choice to have 4? I only have 2 and that was a very deliberate decision for me and my husband.

Having said that, at this point it is what it is, and it seems like your husband is your biggest issue right now. You sound (understandably) completely overwhelmed, and if he was an equal partner and parent you'd be able to muddle through together with some level of enjoyment.

I would suggest in the short term letting some things go - of course it would be nice if your children always sat up straight at the dinner table, but in the grand scheme of things does it really matter? Maybe one reminder at the beginning of the meal and then don't worry about it. Try and relax and enjoy the time together.

In the longer term, what would your life look like if you were to separate from your husband? It might be something to give some serious thought to.

Hi OPer - I just came on to tell you that you are not alone. Your family sounds so similar to mine. I have four boys - 2 with ADHD and anxiety, 1 high masking autism/adhd, and 1 with dyslexia. It is so much to manage and I constantly feel like my family is a dysfunctional mess and that I’m failing as a parent. I honestly found your post because I typed in “my life and kids are a mess” and it came up. I’m hoping that things in your house have gotten better since you posted this…but if not, know you are not alone. Other families are struggling too…at least one other family (mine) is. I often feel like I’m the only person in the world who has a messy, difficult, hard to celebrate life and I just wanted you to know you’re not alone. I wish we lived next door to each other and could commiserate!