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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect 14yr old DD to be on top of homework

38 replies

theanswerunknown · 19/06/2022 23:09

Just that really....
14yr old DD just told me about a maths test she has first thing tomorrow.

Apparently she told me about it ages ago and it's my fault for not reminding her...
Oh and now I'm not being supportive of her because I told her that she needs to be more on top of her schedule.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
SavoirFlair · 19/06/2022 23:12

You're BU because it sounds like your DD isn't magically taking up a responsibility she may not have been coached or coaxed into, and you're also not using reminders due to some expectation she's doing what you hope her to do. Which she manifestly didn't do it seems.

It's not your fault - she needs to take responsibility - but at what point does that handover with your confidence that she's on it?

I mean, maybe this is just the moment where both sides realise more structure is needed. But if nothing changes from here, then you can just go round blaming each other, and she can spend the rest of her student life cramming because of a last minute mentality.

It can all change from here, or you can play the blame game. Which will it be?

Original poster
theanswerunknown · 19/06/2022 23:17

Yes, I do hear what you're saying...

I'm not magically expecting her to be on top of it - she has a homework planner, I'm always asking if she has school work to do/tests coming up.

My feeling is that in this circumstance she had genuinely forgotten but rather than admit that she is taking frustration out on me...perhaps easier?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/06/2022 23:20

You are not her secretary and your daughter might as well learn this now. Welcome her to the real world, and if she fails her test the person to blame is the one looking back in the mirror.

Anothernamechangeplease · 19/06/2022 23:26

Goodness, she's 14! It's a bit embarrassing at that age to be blaming your mum for stuff. I'd be pointing out that it's her maths test, not mine!

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 19/06/2022 23:26

Is she NT? I'm autistic and possibly have undiagnosed ADHD and I really struggled to keep on top of this stuff. It was so easy to distract me and my parents would fill my weekends with stuff and then I'd panic when I realised I'd forgotten to do homework.

She does need to learn the skills she needs. Unless you teach her, it's not really fair to just expect her to know what to do. Also, some of us struggle more with this than others.

I got straight As so it didn't do me much harm. I kinda figured it out eventually.

FAQs · 19/06/2022 23:28

I know you send a homework planner, but I bought a wall planner for exams it was easier to separate them, especially when they start to really add up.

TitoMojito · 19/06/2022 23:32

Definitely not you're fault. Why should you know your daughter has a maths test?

I agree with PP, might be best to get her a calendar. I checked my homework diary religiously and wrote everything in it, but a calendar is useful for seeing at a glance what's coming up.

Odoreida · 19/06/2022 23:32

It sounds like she needs a bit of 'mothering' and attention. I would try and help her in a non-judgemental way and take it from there. I never went to my parents with any worries about schoolwork and homework because I didn't feel comfortable about doing so - and in my 40s I don't have a good relationship with them as I've realised since I became a parent that they didn't really care. It's nice that she's asked you even if it's in a stroppy teenage way.

TitoMojito · 19/06/2022 23:32

*your, ffs

avamiah · 19/06/2022 23:33

my DD ( 12 ) also has a maths test tomorrow which she asked me to remind her about this morning and considering she has a amazing memory as she often reminds me of how much pocket money I owe her or that I promised her a new pair of trainers I thought it strange that she needed a Reminder so I told her No.

SirenSays · 19/06/2022 23:37

She should be yes, but it sounds like she needs more support in this area. This is the kind of thing I'm always happy to help with.

Original poster
theanswerunknown · 19/06/2022 23:40

@Anothernamechangeplease exactly my feeling!

She does have anxiety and now I've had some time to think I wonder if the blame bit is a cover up as she's gone into panic mode...again another learning experience though and more reason to be better organised.

I'm actually a teacher so am well aware of the need to plan and teach study skills and I think I've done/am doing that. Ultimately though I'm not a mind reader and can only work with what I'm told by her/see written in the planner.

It's such a fine line between micro managing, supporting but also the - it's your test, your responsibility.

@FAOs and @TitoMojito wall planner great idea!! She has a whiteboard in her study and writes to do lists but I stupidly never thought of the planner!! Thank you!!

OP posts:
Original poster
theanswerunknown · 19/06/2022 23:45

@Odoreida sorry, you say she needs more mothering and attention? How can you say that based on my question?

She is not lacking in attention from me in any way. I will absolutely take responsibility for the fact I did not go through every subject with her over the weekend and ask specifically about tests she had coming up, however to say she needs more mothering is a bit harsh I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
theanswerunknown · 19/06/2022 23:48

@JulesRimetStillGleaming I think she's NT although she does have some ASD tendencies.

I'm always open to hearing about ways to help aid organisation and am a great believer in finding what works for individuals - my husband was late diagnosed with ADHD and some of the strategies he uses work for him but would completely confuse me!!

OP posts:
JulesRimetStillGleaming · 19/06/2022 23:54

Your post just resonated with me as it was such a feature of my adolescence. I felt like
I wasn't given the tools or the space to do what I needed to do to stay on top of my life.

I used to (verbally) lash out at my parents too when it suddenly dawned on me that all the time had gone and I hadn't even started what I planned to do at the weekend. If she has inherited the ADHD then keeping track of deadlines and time in general is something that feels almost impossible.

bridgetreilly · 20/06/2022 00:03

I’m not certain my parents ever knew when my homework was due or when I had tests or exams. I just got on with it, and if I forgot, it was my own fault. But if your daughter has been used to having a more actively involved parent, she’ll need to be told that you’re expecting her to take more responsibility for her own education and explain what she’ll need to do as a result.

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/06/2022 00:06

You are really

She’s 14. You have to stay on top of most kids that age. Not that you shouldn’t tell her it’s her job, you should, but you still have to have their backs - or rather you don’t, but then you have to accept they may, like, forget to turn up for a test..

avamiah · 20/06/2022 00:12

@theanswerunknown
In my opinion you should speak with her school if you feel she needs extra help with her studies or extra help with anything.

My daughter is a handful now so I’m not looking forward to her teens at all.🙁
I’m sure everything will be ok with your daughter,
Try not to worry too much .
x

Ginseng1 · 20/06/2022 00:16

We helped DS also 14 to stay on top of things a this year. We do not want him to fail everything to teach him a lesson this esrly. Expect him to be more independent next year & more as years go on obvs. We often get the night before panic of a test looming that apparently the teacher only told them about that day (BS!)

Odoreida · 20/06/2022 08:24

@theanswerunknown sorry I didn't mean to be harsh - it just resonated with my experience as a teenager. She is obviously upset about it. She's lashing out because she's worried about the test and she wants to share her fears and it is coming out in that particular teenage way. Of course she needs to be more on top of her schedule and she needs help with organisation, but this is what strikes me initially.

RepublicOfNarnia · 20/06/2022 08:31

@Odoreida has captured my thoughts exactly. It's not your fault and there's no need to focus on apportioning blame now she's in panic mode. I think having a giant planner would help to have a global view of all that's going on wrt exams / coursework etc. The reaction is one of stress but you know your daughter best. Having said that at her age I knew exactly what pocket money was owed to me and when and wouldn't hesitate to give my parents an itemised list of chores I'd done and monies owed etc so keep that in mind!

Runnerduck34 · 20/06/2022 08:33

I think yabu a bit.
Of course at 14 they need to start to take responsibility and unless they say you won't know what work they've been set.
But it's not uncommon for teens to struggle with organisation and planning, their brains are still developing at this age ( can't remember full scientific explanation!)
So they do often need a bit of support. So I would remind them about homework / revision in a general way once or twice a week and if they mention any homework or test in particular I would try and make sure they did it and ensure they had free time to complete it.
Anyway hopefully this will be a learning curve for your daughter.

MrsDrSpencerReid · 20/06/2022 08:48

My DD15 really struggles with organisation so I always keep track of assessments and exams so I can give her reminders.

We get an assessment booklet at the start of the year that has the years assessment schedule on it, so due dates get written on the calendar in the kitchen.

I also have google classroom on my phone so when notifications pop up I can double check with her that she’s on top of it.

She’s had a hard time with anxiety and depression the last few years so this is just one little thing I can do to try and help her from getting overwhelmed.

SandyWedges · 20/06/2022 08:53

Hopefully she'll learn from this and it won't happen again but the good thing is she actually cares that she has forgotten.

10HailMarys · 20/06/2022 10:16

Not remotely your fault - I would expect a secondary school kid to be keeping track of their own homework, dates of tests etc. (I would accept that they would forget stuff sometimes but that's life; they need to learn from that and deal with it. If they get a crap mark on a test, so be it.)

Messing up and then furiously blaming someone else is classic teenage behaviour, so I would take your daughter's moaning with a giant pinch of salt and tell her you have no intention of babying her by monitoring her homework and that it's her problem if she forgets.

I remember having a giant row with my mum at around that age because I went to get a clean school shirt from the wardrobe one morning and I didn't have any. didn't have any. I, of course, hadn't actually put the dirty ones in the laundry basket and had just left them festering in a pile of other clothes on the floor in my room. When my mum pointed this out I had a massive strop because for some reason I thought she should have NOTICED that there hadn't been any school shirts in the washing for ages, and REMINDED me to put them in the laundry and OH MY GOD MUM I CAN'T THINK OF EVERYTHING, NOW I'M GOING TO HAVE TO WEAR A SHIRT THAT PROBABLY STINKS AND MY LIFE IS BASICALLY OVER AND IT'S YOUR FAULT AND I DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN etc.