To expect 14yr old DD to be on top of homework

[theanswerunknown]

Just that really....
14yr old DD just told me about a maths test she has first thing tomorrow.

Apparently she told me about it ages ago and it's my fault for not reminding her...
Oh and now I'm not being supportive of her because I told her that she needs to be more on top of her schedule.

AIBU?!

Can you even revise for maths? She's remembered the test, no harm done.

Is she NT? I'm autistic and possibly have undiagnosed ADHD and I really struggled to keep on top of this stuff. It was so easy to distract me and my parents would fill my weekends with stuff and then I'd panic when I realised I'd forgotten to do homework.

Pretty sure this chimes with the experience of billions of neurotypical schoolkids too, though. It's a hell of a leap from 'my teenager forgot a test and got in a strop' to 'they must be neurodiverse'.

YABU a bit. I'm a teacher with teenage dc too. It's always a bit of a balancing act between letting them get on with it without interference, in the hope that they'll develop independence, and keeping them on the straight-and-narrow a bit.

But you can only parent the child you've got. If she's generally fine with just the occasional 'Have you got any homework tonight?' comment, then I'd leave her be over this one test, and put her reaction down to anxiety and defensiveness over the fact that she forgot. If it becomes a regular occurrence, she may need more support, especially if you think she has sone ASD traits.

Perfectly reasonable to expect a 14 year old to manage their diary and have some method of ensuring they do not forget things. Make some suggestions as to how they can do this.

Refreshing to see some good parenting

I have 3 teens, the youngest is 14.The older 2 were totally on top of their own work and planning, I rarely know if there is a test etc until they give me the result.

But my youngest really needs support. She needs me to check in with her more often, she needs some structure and support in timing.
Occasionally she needs me to sit next to her and help her step by step through the work.
But at the same time, it is always my fault if it goes wrong and I have many instances of being told 'don't nag' when nicely reminding her of something that she asked me to remind her over. The verbal backlash is mostly just her own frustration and anxiety over her homework.

She is probably autistic, and struggles much more than her siblings.

I have had to change my parenting massively to deal with her, and her needs. We have had to let lots of things go that I would normally pick up on (like the verbal backlash) and we have had to learn to bite our tongues and play the long game.
Do what she needs, not what anyone else tells you she needs. Find what works for her.

For those that believe @theanswerunknown is unreasonable for not being more supportive towards her daughter regarding the maths test, good luck with raising responsible, independent and self motivated adults.

At 14 years old she is more than capable of remembering and studying for a class test, without the input of her mother. If she forgets, then she probably won’t perform well in her test. That will set her up to realise, that if she fails to prepare, she must be prepared to fail. That’s a great lesson for 14, as in a couple of years she is going to be sitting major exams. This is all prep work for it and understanding she is responsible for a good outcome.

I have raised 2 super independent, responsible and self motivated adult thanks.

But my youngest needs a different type of parenting. It is amazing to me that people assume that one size fits all in anything to do with parenting. If there is one thing I have learnt over the years it is that all kids are different and you have to do what is right for your particular child.
Some kids continue to need more support and structure for much longer than their peers and siblings.
Standing back so they can be more independent, and watching them crash and burn in a panic of anxiety and ditstress, which then makes then next time worse is not actually helpful. Given them support so that next time you can pull back and give less support, works.

Wow, who knew, we are not all the same.

@steppemum

A situation where a child has additional needs and requires sustained and guided support because of suspected autism, is in no way comparable to the OPs situation. I’m sorry, it’s just not.

Of course you're being unreasonable - a mother's place is in the wrong! Ask her how she needs to record things to remember them - post-its on her wall, diary, message on her phone the day before etc. Work with her to find solutions, and use this as an example of why she needs to use them. wouldn't be the first time we've had "unexpected" 8pm French homework

guess you missed this bit then:

She does have anxiety and now I've had some time to think I wonder if the blame bit is a cover up as she's gone into panic mode.

so she is anxious and struggling.

sounds like she needs some support then

For those that don't know, having ADHD or being ND in other ways can feel like metaphorically drowning all the time. You always feel like there is something you're meant to be doing that you've forgotten or that you're doing X but there's a worry that you would be better off doing Y.

It's easy to lose yourself in something enjoyable and then panic when you realise there was something for important that you'd forgotten.

It's honestly hell.

I'm diagnosed with autism but not ADHD but I think I have both.

OPs daughter might be 100% neurotypical but she also might not be. I feel for her in her panic and distress at managing all this either way.

I have adhd and I totally get how difficult it is for us to organise ourselves! I have a lifetime's experience of struggling with this. However, at 14, you're old enough to take individual responsibility for your own studies regardless. If you know you struggle to stay on top of stuff, then yes, it's great to have other people to remind you but you can't make it their fault if they don't!