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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I say something or keep out of it? Ex and wife

60 replies

ExQuestion1 · 19/06/2022 17:25

Two kids with ex, we have 50:50 shared custody. He also has a child with his wife.

basically ex doesn't really do a lot with the kids. Doesn't take them away on holiday or to do anything over the weekends/holidays for example. They spend most of their time there not really doing much or kicking a ball about or whatever.

it seems like their half sibling though is always out doing fun things. Kids have just come home and said step mum and half sibling are off on holiday next week (they seem to go all the time). It bothers them that their half sibling seems to get to do a lot more in that house, loads of fun trips, treats, holidays.

but I don't know whether I should say anything but my ex isn't going. In my mind I'm thinking if they can afford for step mum and their little one to go all the time (the reason is always he cant X or Y but she never seems to have trouble affording anything for their little one) couldn't they save up and take everyone?

or is it just nothing to do with me and I should be telling my kids to ignore it?

OP posts:
SandyWedges · 19/06/2022 20:24

FlissyPaps · 19/06/2022 20:10

Stepmum doesn't have to invite them to go with her. Dad needs to do something for all the children if he can.

Oh I know she doesn’t HAVE to, but I’d feel awful if I was taking my child out to the park/cafe/swimming etc and just left their siblings at home. Especially as they don’t live with her and DH full time. However If there was a big age gap between the kids (e.g a baby/toddler vs a 10yo or older) it would be different. But the OP hasn’t specified ages.

Blended families are beautiful - if the stepmum doesn’t like her husbands other children or doesn’t see them as “family” then she shouldn’t have married a man who has already has children.

There's nothing that says she doesn't like them. She's just not being the childcare for their dad.

FlissyPaps · 19/06/2022 20:36

There's nothing that says she doesn't like them. She's just not being the childcare for their dad.

That’s why I said IF. At face value it sounded like the SM was leaving the OPs out. But since the OP has revealed all DC’s ages I completely understand why she (SM) wouldn’t take an 8 and 10yo out with her 3yo whilst their dad stays home.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 19/06/2022 20:41

Aquamarine1029 · 19/06/2022 18:14

What your ex's wife does with her child, or where they go together, is none of your business. She is not obligated to include your children if their father isn't even going.

Agree with this.

I take my dd away loads without her dad coming but no fucking way would l take stepson if dh wasn't there too. Although he is grown up now so not an issue.

Fifi0102 · 19/06/2022 20:44

YABU I think that's fine she's taking her child on holiday .Your ex isn't going if he was then I would have words .

WimpoleHat · 19/06/2022 20:48

when they are there step mum and their little one will usually go out somewhere and ours are rarely invited and just have to stay at home with their dad who doesn't want to go

To be fair - they go there to see their dad. And to spend time with him. Not to see her. Arguably, she’s being considerate in giving them that space to have that time with their dad without the half sibling present. That’s why they go, surely? To be with him?

HogDogKetchup · 19/06/2022 20:50

ExQuestion1 · 19/06/2022 18:25

He doesn't pay maintenance because of the split.

she works part time so I'm not sure how she pays for it all unless ex is paying toward it too which I guess is why I was thinking they could at least save up to do some stuff with allmof them.

but like PP said I don't know who's paying I guess, could be her parents or something.

Show quote history

Yes it could be her parents. I holiday with my dc and family without my DSS and husband.

Onceuponaheartache · 19/06/2022 20:57

I'm mot sure o agree with the majority here. I am a step mum, although me and their dad are no longer together, they are still my stepkids and always will be.

Their dad was and is a lazy SOB and would never have arranged anything for his older kids without some serious prompting. When we had dd there was a large age gap...dss was 10 and dsd nearly 8. They absolutely loved going to soft play and chasing dd round, playing in the park and taking her on swings or the slide on their laps.

Yes there were times I did stuff with dd without them and went away to visit my family without them, but mostly activities were planned that involved all 3 kids. It would never have occurred to me not to involve them. They are family.

They are 19 and 17 now and we still have a cracking relationship. I took dd and dsd out for tea last week and helped dsd choose a father's day gift for her dad (she paid for it herself).

I do think the stepmum here is being a bit unfair on the surface . However, we don't know the reasons behind it. And I guarantee there will be a bloody good reason why she doesn't involve your kids @ExQuestion1 that could be down to their behaviour in the past but I suspect it is more likely to do with your ex.

You need to do 2 things.

Firstly explain to your kids that she is perfectly entitled to do things with her child without them in the same way that they do things with you without their sibling.

Secondly I would have a word with your ex about the kids perception. I wouldn't mention his wife and their child doing things without them but I would raise the fact that he does nothing with them.

Ultimately they will resent him and they will vote with their feet when they are older.

SandyWedges · 19/06/2022 21:10

WimpoleHat · 19/06/2022 20:48

when they are there step mum and their little one will usually go out somewhere and ours are rarely invited and just have to stay at home with their dad who doesn't want to go

To be fair - they go there to see their dad. And to spend time with him. Not to see her. Arguably, she’s being considerate in giving them that space to have that time with their dad without the half sibling present. That’s why they go, surely? To be with him?

Yes exactly, they aren't there to spend time with SM.

Mellowyellow222 · 19/06/2022 21:35

Why is custody 50-50?

you haven’t painted a picture of a very involved dad here; and their step mum doesn’t seem to see herself in a parenting role (which is fine - she isn’t their mother).

os their dad good at the more boring side of parenting?

just thinking of the children aren’t happy and dad isn’t really that involved is it time to look at the custody agreement?

Backtoreality1 · 20/06/2022 15:30

Not even reading the body of the message as the title says it all - if its between them, you stay out of it.

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