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Original poster

Do I say something or keep out of it? Ex and wife

60 replies

ExQuestion1 · 19/06/2022 17:25

Two kids with ex, we have 50:50 shared custody. He also has a child with his wife.

basically ex doesn't really do a lot with the kids. Doesn't take them away on holiday or to do anything over the weekends/holidays for example. They spend most of their time there not really doing much or kicking a ball about or whatever.

it seems like their half sibling though is always out doing fun things. Kids have just come home and said step mum and half sibling are off on holiday next week (they seem to go all the time). It bothers them that their half sibling seems to get to do a lot more in that house, loads of fun trips, treats, holidays.

but I don't know whether I should say anything but my ex isn't going. In my mind I'm thinking if they can afford for step mum and their little one to go all the time (the reason is always he cant X or Y but she never seems to have trouble affording anything for their little one) couldn't they save up and take everyone?

or is it just nothing to do with me and I should be telling my kids to ignore it?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 19/06/2022 19:00

Does she go away with her parents?

Original poster
ExQuestion1 · 19/06/2022 19:38

Hankunamatata · 19/06/2022 19:00

Does she go away with her parents?

Sometimes I think, I don't really know.

OP posts:
Iwonder08 · 19/06/2022 19:39

It puzzles me why you think it is appropriate to ask. Do you think your ex's new wife is entitled to any opinion on how you spend your holiday with your children?

FlissyPaps · 19/06/2022 19:41

Why are you bothered that your ex’s wife is taking her child away on holiday? None of your business who’s paying for it.

Do you take your kids on holiday?

Original poster
ExQuestion1 · 19/06/2022 19:45

I'm not bothered what she does, I just don't know what to say to kids. They seem upset by it like their half sibling gets treated to more in that house and wasn't sure if I should mention it.

I'll do as PP suggested and tell them it's okay because she's not their mum.

OP posts:
SandyWedges · 19/06/2022 19:46

It's not your business so no, you don't say anything. She might have a massive inheritance or a really great job or invested wisely or just be a good saver. It is really none of your business and you will risk aggravating the situation if you mention it. What you can do though is if your children seem upset by it is educate them that love isn't measured in holidays and it's a shame their dad can't afford to take them away on holiday too.

SandyWedges · 19/06/2022 19:47

ExQuestion1 · 19/06/2022 19:45

I'm not bothered what she does, I just don't know what to say to kids. They seem upset by it like their half sibling gets treated to more in that house and wasn't sure if I should mention it.

I'll do as PP suggested and tell them it's okay because she's not their mum.

Sorry cross posted. Yes explain to them that their step mum is allowed to treat her children just as you are allowed to treat your children and dad is allowed to treat all of his children if he wants/can.

LuaDipa · 19/06/2022 19:50

Your ex sounds like a shit dad to all of his kids tbh if he’s happy for his wife to arrange a load of solo trips for her and dc.

It’s not really fair but that’s on your ex not his wife and he clearly can’t be bothered. I would just try and do as much as you can with the kids while you have them.

FlissyPaps · 19/06/2022 19:51

Unfortunately life isn’t fair.

It would be a different story if your children’s dad was taking his other child away and not treating yours the same. But he isn’t even going so I’m unsure why your children think it’s unfair? Unless this is much more than just the holiday…

Do you take your kids away?

Original poster
ExQuestion1 · 19/06/2022 19:54

FlissyPaps · 19/06/2022 19:51

Unfortunately life isn’t fair.

It would be a different story if your children’s dad was taking his other child away and not treating yours the same. But he isn’t even going so I’m unsure why your children think it’s unfair? Unless this is much more than just the holiday…

Do you take your kids away?

Not recently no, we can't afford it at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExQuestion1 · 19/06/2022 19:55

It's not just the holiday, when they are there step mum and their little one will usually go out somewhere and ours are rarely invited and just have to stay at home with their dad who doesn't want to go. Just feel bad for them but guess you are right I can't really say anything about what she does!

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 19/06/2022 19:55

They seem upset by it like their half sibling gets treated to more in that house and wasn't sure if I should mention it.

Then you need to explain it to them clearly because their father won't that they all have different mothers. Each of you mothers are allowed to take your own children on holiday, pay for hobbies etc without paying for their half-siblings that aren't related to you.

However as they all have the same dad so he needs to treat them equally according to their needs. Then make sure they understand the differences between needs e.g. being feed and wants e.g. a holiday, having ice cream over a proper meal.

Oh and I'm a step-mother and had a step-mother.

SandyWedges · 19/06/2022 19:56

ExQuestion1 · 19/06/2022 19:54

Not recently no, we can't afford it at the moment.

Show quote history

Maybe dad can't afford it either. Why should his wife's child miss out if she can?

SandyWedges · 19/06/2022 19:59

ExQuestion1 · 19/06/2022 19:55

It's not just the holiday, when they are there step mum and their little one will usually go out somewhere and ours are rarely invited and just have to stay at home with their dad who doesn't want to go. Just feel bad for them but guess you are right I can't really say anything about what she does!

I do that all the time and my DSC aren't bothered. Maybe it's an age gap thing though. But it's not a hard concept to get, it's like some of their friends probably go out more. Either it's a money thing or it's a he hasn't got the energy thing. But you can't expect her to want to take your kids out for him if he can't be bothered. What you could do is tell him the kids are getting a little bored at his so maybe he could let them know if he's got any day trip ideas for the summer etc so they have something to look forward to.

RedWingBoots · 19/06/2022 20:02

OP I presume there is a large age gap between your children and their half-sibling so it means lots of stuff the younger one does wouldn't actually interest them or is not suitable for them.

For example soft play has height restrictions in whose allowed in, and theme parks have height restrictions for rides which makes it difficult going with children with a 3 year age gap let alone more.

FlissyPaps · 19/06/2022 20:02

ExQuestion1 · 19/06/2022 19:55

It's not just the holiday, when they are there step mum and their little one will usually go out somewhere and ours are rarely invited and just have to stay at home with their dad who doesn't want to go. Just feel bad for them but guess you are right I can't really say anything about what she does!

Does their stepmum invite them to go with her?

How old are all the children?

If she doesn’t invite them out with her and their sibling then I can absolute understand how your children are feeling. Have they told their dad how this is affecting them?

SandyWedges · 19/06/2022 20:05

FlissyPaps · 19/06/2022 20:02

Does their stepmum invite them to go with her?

How old are all the children?

If she doesn’t invite them out with her and their sibling then I can absolute understand how your children are feeling. Have they told their dad how this is affecting them?

Show quote history

Stepmum doesn't have to invite them to go with her. Dad needs to do something for all the children if he can.

Original poster
ExQuestion1 · 19/06/2022 20:06

They are 8 and 10.

I didn't mean for this to sound like I was blaming her and saying she should do it for him, that's not what I meant sorry. I just thought if I mentioned it to him he may be more inclined to join in which means they can go too or do more with them whilst she's out if that makes sense. I do think it would be nice if they saved the money they were spending on sending her and LO away multiple times a year so they could all go together but I appreciate I don't know the full picture so accept I'm being unreasonable!

Does their stepmum invite them to go with her?

No they can only go if their dad does.

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 19/06/2022 20:10

Stepmum doesn't have to invite them to go with her. Dad needs to do something for all the children if he can.

Oh I know she doesn’t HAVE to, but I’d feel awful if I was taking my child out to the park/cafe/swimming etc and just left their siblings at home. Especially as they don’t live with her and DH full time. However If there was a big age gap between the kids (e.g a baby/toddler vs a 10yo or older) it would be different. But the OP hasn’t specified ages.

Blended families are beautiful - if the stepmum doesn’t like her husbands other children or doesn’t see them as “family” then she shouldn’t have married a man who has already has children.

ToysRMine · 19/06/2022 20:13

No they can only go if their dad does.

To be honest it sounds like their Dad is lazy and she doesn’t want to get into the habit of caring for all of the children whilst he does fuck all, and I get that.

FlissyPaps · 19/06/2022 20:15

They are 8 and 10.

But how old is their sibling OP?

No they can only go if their dad does.

If their sibling is much younger, a baby/toddler then I fully understand why she’d only want your DC with help from their dad. She might not feel confident supervising all 3 if her own is very young.

If not, and she is fully capable of looking after 3 DC on days out then I think it’s time for your DH to step in and ensure your DC feel more included.

Forget all about the holiday. There isn’t anything you can do or say about that. Her money isn’t your business.

Original poster
ExQuestion1 · 19/06/2022 20:16

Not sure exact age but they are about 3

OP posts:
ClocksGoingBackwards · 19/06/2022 20:16

In theory your dc’s step mum is doing nothing wrong by focusing on her own child and letting your dc’s Dad do nothing with them, but the fact is, it’s a hurtful situation for your dc to be in. Anyone who knowingly does something that is going to hurt children in their own family is a shitty human being imo.

As your children are upset, I think you should mention it to your ex. It may be that nothing can be done because she’s spending her own money or her parents money, but your dc deserve you to speak up for them.

FlissyPaps · 19/06/2022 20:19

OK, so now all ages are established.

Stepmum probably doesn’t want the responsibility of looking after a 3yo with an 8 & 10yo. I think having your DC with them on days out along with their dad is sensible and reasonable.

So this is an ex issue. You need to voice your concerns to him about your DC feeling left out and being treated unfairly. He needs to step up.

SandyWedges · 19/06/2022 20:22

ToysRMine · 19/06/2022 20:13

No they can only go if their dad does.

To be honest it sounds like their Dad is lazy and she doesn’t want to get into the habit of caring for all of the children whilst he does fuck all, and I get that.

I totally agree.