I feel misplaced and unsettled

[nova99]

Sorry I have put this in AIBU but I honestly didn't know where else to put it.

I'm 35. Living in my hometown, although a different district from where I grew up.
I feel like I'm in the waiting area of life. Neither happy or unhappy about living here, but I know deep down I'm not settled.

I moved from my hometown when I was 18. I have lived in 4 different towns/cities over the years, however moved back here due to practical/financial reasons and a relationship breakdown.

I then met and married DH and had two children. We are currently living in what my DH would describe as many peoples dream house, he isn't keen for moving and doesn't want to travel or go on holiday until the kids are at uni ( they are 4 and 2!!!) so I think I feel a bit trapped.

I've travelled quite a lot over the years, and have travelled most in Norway and Iceland. I've spent significant time there and always felt at peace, like I had finally come home, but it's entirely not possible to move there. I don't have much family support where I am or anything stopping me from moving other than money.

Has anyone felt this unsettled feeling? Or like they were meant for somewhere else? I would just like to hear other peoples stories.

omg OP are you me ?
I have always felt like I belong in Malta (county name changed to avoid being outted)
I’ve only ever lived in my home town in the uk (41 years) but I have always had a very strong desire to live in Malta. I’ve been there many times on holiday. No family there. I feel like I belong there. I feel peace and calmness when I’m there. I love the lifestyle, how easy going life is there. I only realised in the last 10 years or so that I should have moved there when I was younger. Now I have kids who don’t want to move. Going there is not an option now.
I sometimes wonder if I lived in Malta in a previous life which is my my desire to Move there is so strong.
I would drop everything to move out there tomorrow if I could. I know exactly how you feel

@Bigbunnyrabbit it's such a strong feeling isn't it? I hit me so hard when I first went, I didn't want to come home.
I haven't felt settled for so long.
I'm not woo at all but I do wonder how I'm connected to that place

I completely relate to this. I feel at home and at peace in place where I used to live. I can't move back yet but I will as soon as practicalities can work out.

The feeling is so strong that I have no interest in buying a house anywhere else even though I'm sposed to be getting on the property ladder in the next couple of years.

He doesn’t want a holiday until your DC are at uni??? That’s one thing you can work on. Regular holidays are non negotiable for you regardless of whether he comes or not. Your feeling matter too.

Moving to an entirely different country is going to be too big an ask for him clearly but if he won’t even compromise on the small stuff then perhaps you aren’t very compatible.

I have lived in this house for 16 years, DH grew up in the area all teen DCs born and grown up here but I feel I want to live anywhere but here.

Every holiday I go on I fantasise about moving to the place. As soon as DCs are old enough I’m off, only staying here for them. Just wish I knew where to, used to be France now debating Wales/Scotland

@MatildaTheCat When we chat about visiting amazing places etc he's always discussing it as we will do it when the DC are adults. Obviously I can't wait that long and have booked staycations in the UK which have been utter disasters mainly due to the kids ages which in turn have then only reinforced his point.

@Matchingcollarandcuffs maybe just travelling until you find your spot would be a great adventure 🙂

Couldn’t you go there on holiday yourself a couple of time a year?

@iwishiwasafish if I could I would, not really practical with very young children

Don’t be put off holidaying with kids and with independent adventures. Keep booking stuff. It gets easier the more you do it.

Don't wait. Just adapt your plans for kids. I waited too long and then developed lung cancer. My travel options are now really limited by my breathing struggles.

Travel alone and leave the DC's with him.

Why doesn't he want to take the DC on holiday?

Anything is possible if you put your mind to it. Lots of people travel or emigrate with small children. And you have lots of time to travel and explore more.

In the meantime - how can you positively embrace your love for the country you want to be in - learn the language till you're fluent; learn the history; read its great literature; join online local forums or groups in the area you want to be?

Lastly - sometimes, you do discover a real link to a place. I fell deeply in love with a new country a few years back while visiting it for work. Found out recently that my great grandfather was from there - had no idea before!

he isn't keen for moving and doesn't want to travel or go on holiday until the kids are at uni ( they are 4 and 2!!!)

Why on earth?! Either go without him or go without them.

What does he mean you can't go on holidays until the kids are at uni???!! What a strange way to think. Not only are you missing out, but they are too - massively!

if he won't go anywhere, just take them yourself?

The holiday issue..... I don't want to stop travelling, even when I had children, I didn't want to stop. We have done one trip abroad (Norway) with one toddler and a couple of stay cations with both of them and all have been difficult, the children haven't slept, we didn't sleep, everyone was cranky and overtired. Just rubbish really and he said he just doesn't want to do it again. The last trip we took to a cabin in the lakes we came home a day early.

So at the moment he's completely not on board with another holiday, let alone somewhere like Reykjavik, he finds weekends at home difficult with both of them.

I think maybe that's adding to the feeling of being misplaced, I can't really go anywhere.

And to those posters that have said go without him, I took a long weekend trip to the highlands with my sister in spring, he was ok with it but when we had an argument he threw it in my face and said I was off gallivanting.

@Luckingfovely that's amazing that you found a link! And yes actually you're right, I'd love to learn the languages. That's a good place to start!

He sounds like a bit of a twat. Not being able to cope with weekends with his own children, accusing you of ‘gallivanting’, refusing to go anywhere. Are you actually compatible? Is he a decent father and partner?

It'll only be the same shit in a different location!

I’m in the same boat. We moved back to our home town a few years back due to having parents here so can offer us emotional support with our children with special needs but I dislike it here. It’s a desirable town but when I was growing up I really didn’t want to live here. DH says a place is just a place but I feel miserable here. The kids are midway through education and I’ve said when the youngest finishes at his specialist school in 10 years, I really need to move as I’ve made so many sacrifices that I think it’s only fair that I get a choice on us moving.

Yep I completely relate. Done the same as you, left hometown early, spent time in several different cities. I think it's like the concept of early birds and night owls. Some people are home birds, and some people are travellers. Most likely we'll never be happy(!), but regular holidays or occasionally starting up a new life in a new city is essential I think.

For the new life obviously not every year, but every 10 years maybe? It's no big deal to relocate, I think it only really is for people who are the 'home birds'. I think if you make plans for the future and where else you might live, you'll start to feel a bit better.

OP, there's so much you can do to feel connected and less trapped. Learn the language of the country you love most. Read books, watch films, try recipes from that culture. Put some money aside every year that you don't have a holiday, for when you do.

As DC get older they will be much more capable of travelling. We had rubbish UK holidays when they were small, no sleep, everyone fractious, DH thinking it;s all a waste of time. But by mid-juniors we could go to places like France and Italy, and by senior school far more exciting places like Iceland, USA, Japan.

One tip I used was to show them the places and all the possibilities - whale watching or hot springs or a theme park- whatever is nearby, and then get them each to choose their most favourite thing to do. Then plan an itinerary where each person picks their ideal day, so everyone feels invested in the holiday.

Meanwhile, you deserve to have at least the occasional weekend away to the place you feel so connected to. I have a friend who is obsessed with Scandinavia and goes there twice a year for long weekends with friends. her family have no interest but that doesn't stop her.

Gosh, really sounds like a dog in the manger! You're in a no win situation.

Might be worth some couples' counselling to get the resentments out in the open?

Putting off travelling for a decade and a half following some typical toddler holidays isn't very normal!

@shiningcuckoo

@shiningcuckoo I'm so sorry. I hope you get to travel in some capacity 

@NoSquirrels he's a fantastic father. Does more than his fair share etc, but he finds it hard going. A partner, yes we are life partners, but there's no romance or intimacy (his decision) but that's a whole other thread 

@Toddlerteaplease you very well could be right! The grass is always greener! That would definitely be a worry if I ever went through with it.

@goldfinchonthelawn I welcome stories like this, because honestly a life of experiences and cultures and travel is what I want for my children, it's what I want for me and it makes me very sad to think that won't happen.