I feel misplaced and unsettled

[nova99]

Sorry I have put this in AIBU but I honestly didn't know where else to put it.

I'm 35. Living in my hometown, although a different district from where I grew up.
I feel like I'm in the waiting area of life. Neither happy or unhappy about living here, but I know deep down I'm not settled.

I moved from my hometown when I was 18. I have lived in 4 different towns/cities over the years, however moved back here due to practical/financial reasons and a relationship breakdown.

I then met and married DH and had two children. We are currently living in what my DH would describe as many peoples dream house, he isn't keen for moving and doesn't want to travel or go on holiday until the kids are at uni ( they are 4 and 2!!!) so I think I feel a bit trapped.

I've travelled quite a lot over the years, and have travelled most in Norway and Iceland. I've spent significant time there and always felt at peace, like I had finally come home, but it's entirely not possible to move there. I don't have much family support where I am or anything stopping me from moving other than money.

Has anyone felt this unsettled feeling? Or like they were meant for somewhere else? I would just like to hear other peoples stories.

@Phineyj I broached the subject with him today and he said yes we can go to Scandinavia when it's just you and me.... in other words when the children can be left alone

It's almost like he think I should go to work, come home, go to work come home... rinse and repeat for 18 years.

The thought of it makes me feel sick

I still don’t understand why you can’t just leave him at home? I’m obviously missing something. If he accuses you of “gallivanting” surely you just say “yes, it’s great, you should try it”. Or do you think he wouldn’t like being left on his own? Alternatively, go yourself and leave the kids with him?

My parents followed my brother to his university town due to him having DC, and I chose to follow them rather than stay in my home town (in Surrey) alone (just post break up with long term DP). Have never felt at home here - the price of not listening to my own wants, I guess!
(Ironically, my brother has since moved 300 miles further North, leaving mum miles away from her extended family)
I’d love to travel more, and eventually move to the Welsh coast (I just love it!), but won’t be for a long time…

This made me sad for you.
A partner isn’t just about sharing chores and parenting. What is his reason for no intimacy?
He sounds like he’s coercive controlling you:
No gallivanting, no holidays abroad with the kids, no sex…This isn’t normal OP

And I say this as my cousin has been in a coercive controlled relationship and her exH wouldn’t take her anywhere or be intimate… maybe you should gallivant off and find someone who WILL be intimate!

Your marriage sounds like a prison sentence to me, no intimacy, no romance, no holidays for 18 years, seriously why are you with him? what a miserable existence.

I used to love travelling but have done a lot less with young children. It doesn’t last forever, there will be plenty of time to go abroad when the children are a couple of years older. There are loads of incredible places to explore in the U.K. that doesn’t involve flying or lots of travel. It also sounds like you have marriage problems, but holidays aren’t going to solve that.

I always wanted to live in the US, felt like that was where I belonged so I know exactly what you mean! I did end up following my dreams and moving there. It’s not been exactly how I thought, but we are military so don’t get to choose exactly where we live. Unfortunately, this means we are somewhere I would never live by choice (for the next few years at least).

Before I married my husband, I made sure we were on the same page about travel and where we would want to move to etc in the future. Travelling with kids is hard but doable and worth it! I wonder if you could take your children away a few times with just you to try and adjust them to travelling without your husband around. If he’s going with a negative mindset to start then there’s no chance for a good time.

hope things get better OP!

It sounds like you’re very unhappy in this relationship. Why are you with him when there’s no intimacy or sex and he won’t even go on holiday with you?

Your marriage sounds hard Op, no sex, no travel, do you ever have fun?

We have young kids, last year at 5 & 2 our UK holiday was hard work. Sleeping wasn’t great but it was a change of scene and the kids loved it.

We have another week planned this year at 6 & 3, I know it won’t be super relaxing but it will be better as the youngest is more reasonable and capable. Every time we go it will be easier.

I have a wanderers soul, part of me still feels like I should have just packed a backpack years ago and gone. Before kids we travelled a lot so it was okay, to help alleviate this since kids I’ve been away a lot on my own without kids/DH. He is a homebody, he grew up where we live. He is happy to stay at home with the children. I have a 10 day holiday coming up this year with friends. I’d be more than happy for him to do the same if he wanted but he doesn’t.

Are you generally happy with your life Op?

you have a DH problem. A big one. He appears to have unilaterally decided your life for you.

So many controlling DHs on here lately.

My marriage isn't fun tbh, but he's in therapy to sort his issues out, I can't just leave.

Relationships all have their ups and downs and we are in a major down phase I guess.

But with the person saying go away with the kids without him, I might do. His mood is honestly what I worry about most on these little breaks away and it's so draining.

Therapy or not, I think you should take the kids away with you and travel, even if only for a weekend. It sounds suffocating. If he moans about you gallivanting, ignore him. Just like he appears to be ignoring all your needs.

By staycations do you mean you traveled in the UK or stayed at home and did holiday stuff? I'd call the first a holiday and the latter a staycation so just not sure what you mean!

No holidays for years is rubbish. You don't have to go to exotic places but imo and everyone needs a break now and then!

Ime hotels are rubbish when you have toddlers because you're all in one room and no one sleeps. Best holiday we had with kids is a Haven caravan trip where we had separate rooms so could settle the kids then watch a movie or whatever. The kids' entertainment/clubs are also handy because it means the adults get a break! I know some people hate the idea but I'd say at least give it a try. The UK has some properly beautiful areas and if you like the nordic countries, Scotland might be worth a shot?

What you can't leave until he's finished therapy as you want to see what happens with it? Or other reasons? Therapy can be great, but it isn't magical, it can't make a selfish, controlling wanker into a nice person.