To think we need to just go with the weird double barrel?

[victorioussponges]

DH and I got married last year. Beforehand, DH had suggested of his own accord that he take my surname. His is quite difficult to spell whereas mine is more distinctive. I said that was entirely his choice - I was also open to double barrelling our names (even though it becomes quite a long, odd mouthful) or we could each stick with our names and have a think later about what to do for any children. I just would prefer not to take his as I feel a bit odd about the tradition.

We ended up sticking with our names after DH aired the idea of changing to mine with his parents and after initially not saying anything, his DF seemed to get pretty upset about it on our wedding day and it left a bit of a cloud.

Roll on to now when we've been TTC for a while, so the question of names has come up again, and DH says because of his DF's reaction any children will definitely need to have his surname or his surname followed by mine, or his DF will be "devastated".

I'm a bit annoyed that tradition is overriding the option of taking my name - which was DH's preference - but I don't want to be hypocritical as I appreciate I'm being a bit inflexible in not wanting to take his. I see the only suitable compromise to be the double barrel but the result would be pretty long and impractical - is that a bit unfair on a child?

Even if we don't manage to have a child I think we need to get to the bottom of it, as every time I visit DPIL they ask if I've changed my name to theirs yet...

No this would be your child. Not DH's DF. He can get over his weird obsession with names. If he's devastated find a counsellor for him. It's a weird obsession some people seem to have with carrying on the family name. My inlaws were similar and FIL was gutted we had a girl as there weren't many boys to carry on the family name. Ridiculous.

Have his surname as a middle name, and yours as the surname. It will look double barrelled on paper, even if it isn’t.
But as your DH obviously doesn’t have a back bone, you’re going to have to accept his name or a double barrel.

Even if we don't manage to have a child I think we need to get to the bottom of it, as every time I visit DPIL they ask if I've changed my name to theirs yet... What do you say? Do you say, no still thinking about it? Or no, and I'm never going to so please stop asking its really irritating.

This isn't your FIL's child. He has had his turn to name his children, now it's your turn.

I think your DH needs to grow a backbone and follow through with his own decision to take your name.

You can't let this impact your future children and their names. It is a choice between you and your DH and it sounds like you're already agreed and realised that just having your name is the sensible option.

FIL will have to stop being such a chauvinist and accept the decision. Also come up with some good one liners to stop the constant comments. They're rude and tiresome.

Why don't you choose a new surname together?
combine parts of both or a totally new one?
it's pathetic that your DH has changed his mind because his father is acting out. I hope you've told them you're never changing your name!!

It's understandable FIL was upset. It's tradition (in the U.K. anyway) & carrying on the name is traditionally important to a lot of people.

nothing wrong with that, despite the sneery posts.

It's difficult to say what I'd do as a lot depends on the actual names.

one of my ex's had a really terrible surname & wanted to take mine when we got married (we didn't get married in the end, but his parents would have hit the roof. So I don't know what he'd have done, kept his I suspect!) but I'd have kept mine & any kids would have had mine as he wouldn't have put kids through what he went through.

but if it's just tricky spelling I'd change my name (it's just easier.) and so obviously give the kids 'our' name.

Could you merge the names?

my friends double barrelled their names when they go married 50 years ago and it’s a real mouthful, they said they regretted it.

pick what YOU BOTH LIKE and ignore everything else.

How often will your family actually be using your name anyway, just tell PIL you picked his name for a quiet life, you don’t have to prove anything to them, it’s not a big deal.

My kid has an uber-weird double barrel because I kept my weird name and DH kept his.

Nothing else would seem fair.

(DH’s family still send cards and gifts to me personally with weird combinations of surnames on, which doesn’t actually bother me as I accept I’m the one going against the patriarchy norm)

Let the kids has HisName as an additional middle name. So

Babyname MiddleName HisName HerName
Oliver Jonas Higglepop Smith

That way, his name is preserved and the child can use it in future if they want but they don't have to spell it out for every form.

It's understandable FIL was upset. It's tradition (in the U.K. anyway) & carrying on the name is traditionally important to a lot of people. He can be upset all he wants but I don't see why that should stop OP and her DH doing what they want with their and their children's names?

Thanks all - yes I think I'm biting my tongue a bit in my OP 😅 the whole "tradition" annoys me. No judgement against people who choose to change their name, but it's when you're following it mindlessly when there are practical reasons not to that it all seems bizarre.

@KangarooKenny middle name is a really interesting idea, thank you! Then it gives the child a bit more of a say as to how much they use the full version. Definitely will give that more thought.

@SandyWedges I just say: "We have kept our names as they are" and then glare at DH to pick it up from there/shut it down as I figure it's for him to manage his parents there!

Yes I agree your DH needs to step up when you're asked and say, please stop asking, we'll let you know if we ever change our names.

I'm a fan of combining the two names eg. If your surnames were Fraser and Smith the DC would be called Frith.
Just wish I'd done it with my DC instead of being a slave to tradition.

Hmm, tricky one this. I personally think some posters are being a bit harsh on the DH, especially given op is being inflexible too. I don't think its fair to say op's reasons are more important than DHs reasons. Personally I really dislike double barrelled names but ultimately you's have left yourselves no other options here.

If I had my time again I would double barrel. I used to think the names were long and a bit clunky but after making a few Spanish friends I see their way is much more sensible. It acknowledges both sides of the child heritage.

Speaking as someone who grew up with a hard to say and spell surname I'd advise sticking with your name as the practical family name or creating a new surname.

I think your dh is blaming his dad but actually it's him who wants tradition. Would he be so keen on tradition if it were in your favour. I'd put your foot down on this.

Double barrel your names officially, for both of you and future kids

But just use yours day to day - don't say you are doing it, just do it - lots of DB people do this.

Tell your PIL that's what's happening, and then if they bang on any more tell just ignore it and start talking about something else.

... I mean tell your PIL you are double barrelling - don't tell them you are using your surname day to day, just let that be organic

I'd just go double barrelled for all of you personally. Who cares if it's hard to spell or say - I often have clients who are Sri Lankan and they have insanely long names but we just get on with it and I learn how to spell/say them. It's no big deal. You sound like you want to keep yours and that's it no compromise. Just all go double barrelled. Sorted.

You could try to defuse it by finding out why they care so much and also explaining your position respectfully? You might feel differently afterwards - so might they. Are they from a culture where ancestor worship or even just continuing the lineage of names is particularly important? I think it’s quite rude to call it a rude obsession with continuing a name. My uncle took on his aunt’s surname to continue it for her as she didn’t have children and I always thought that was quite sweet of him!

Just go for your DH’s surname as a middle name on the birth certificate. Looks official, doesn’t need to be used day to day. Win-win.

@PrivateHall I agree that I'm being a bit inflexible, but I'm still trying to be fair. If DH had said from the start he wanted to keep his, and I felt I wanted to keep mine, then double barrel (or a combination of names) really would seem the only option. But as DH was keen to take my name (and were it not for his DF's view apparently still is) I have a bit of hesitation and frustration.

Also, just an aside here, double barrelled surnames are a faff, I dropped mine so I have just a one word surname, far less of a mouthful and self-aggrandising, be prepared for your kids to do the same eventually x

We had similar discussions and sadly similar reactions from family on both sides. We haven't changed our names yet after getting married.
Fil, Mil, DF and DM are all up in arms and some family members have apparently kept us at arms length because of the surname issue.
We had discussed double barreling bit as we both have long surnames it felt too much, and when our children get married, they could end up with a triple barreled name or quadruple barrelled name!
So we decided to amalgamate our surnames (but haven't yet, I suspect because of the pushback from family).
It's just so ridiculous that people can get so upset over surnames, I don't have an answer but I definitely feel your pain.

We discussed names before we got married and as neither of us fancied the others surname we created our own using several letters from each surname to create our new one. This was a fair few years ago and I’ve since heard it’s called meshing but still don’t know anyone who has done it. Back then double barrelled names were considered twattish so I never considered that and ours wouldn’t have worked anyway.