To think we need to just go with the weird double barrel?

[victorioussponges]

DH and I got married last year. Beforehand, DH had suggested of his own accord that he take my surname. His is quite difficult to spell whereas mine is more distinctive. I said that was entirely his choice - I was also open to double barrelling our names (even though it becomes quite a long, odd mouthful) or we could each stick with our names and have a think later about what to do for any children. I just would prefer not to take his as I feel a bit odd about the tradition.

We ended up sticking with our names after DH aired the idea of changing to mine with his parents and after initially not saying anything, his DF seemed to get pretty upset about it on our wedding day and it left a bit of a cloud.

Roll on to now when we've been TTC for a while, so the question of names has come up again, and DH says because of his DF's reaction any children will definitely need to have his surname or his surname followed by mine, or his DF will be "devastated".

I'm a bit annoyed that tradition is overriding the option of taking my name - which was DH's preference - but I don't want to be hypocritical as I appreciate I'm being a bit inflexible in not wanting to take his. I see the only suitable compromise to be the double barrel but the result would be pretty long and impractical - is that a bit unfair on a child?

Even if we don't manage to have a child I think we need to get to the bottom of it, as every time I visit DPIL they ask if I've changed my name to theirs yet...

Your DPILS won’t know what’s on the BC, will they?

Just tell them the kids have double barrelled names, but give them your surname.

Or use DH’s surname as a middle name. And tell ILs that it is an h hyphenated surname.

The ILs pressure and your DH’s reaction shows just how very hard it is to change patriarchal tradition.

And your FIL had no right at all to make a fuss on your wedding day. Outrageous behaviour. He sounds like a bully and be forewarned: it will get worse when you have kids. And note that you DH seems unable to stand up to them.

I would be totally direct and clear with them and tell them that you will not be changing your name, so no point in asking you again.

But your DH will need to adjust his thinking from compliant guilt-tripped son to a father of his own new family where he makes decisions alongside you.

Start now!

Good luck!

I think in the circumstances I would do DHs name as middle name yours as surname. Accept (really!) that your in laws will probably not really accept the real surname as the real surname but grandparents don’t use surnames very often and every sphere of their life will be your surname. If they like the middle name surname then lovely, but if they don’t they can drop it very easily.

@stillsmilingtoday no, no obvious cultural considerations that I can think of. DF is British and his name is sort of an English word but the spelling is odd. DH has tried to speak to his DF but he doesn't really like to talk about how he feels. We haven't got anything more than "We want to continue the family name" and "it is how it has always been done".

My gay male friend and his husband took both their surnames and rearranged the letters to make a completely new name. Its a lovely name and means that neither has taken the others name or double barrelled to make a huge name. It wasnt a thing when I married my second husband 19 years ago, but I would do it if I married now.

@JuneJubilee It's understandable FIL was upset. It's tradition (in the U.K. anyway) & carrying on the name is traditionally important to a lot of people.

Maybe parents of women (I.e the OP’s parents) would also like to see their name carried on? This is a man who put a cloud over their wedding day!

Yes, it can be tricky going against tradition, and the FIL might find it upsetting but that doesn’t mean tradition should always win. Nothing would ever change. The marriage vows would still include ‘obey’, women could be sacked from their jobs on marriage etc.

We haven't got anything more than "We want to continue the family name" and "it is how it has always been done".

That's going to potentially be up shit creek if you have a DD...what's FIL going to do then? Insist you keep going until you have a boy?

Honestly he sounds like a dinosaur and an interfering pita. Do what you like, and if you want to keep the peace, just lie about it. He's never going to have to use your or your DCs surnames in an official capacity anyway.

If you double barrel then what would you your children to do when they marry? Double barrel their name with their spouse? Or abandon the principles their parents have and just go with one? And then grandchildren? They’ll have about 8 surnames if they double barrel
in the name of equality or whatever it is. Just pick one name..!

Two names not double barrelled would always be my preference, as in the Spanish custom of the mother's maiden name being one of a child's middle names. Think Michael Denzil Xavier Portillo as an example.

I’m someone who quite likes tradition; in the absence of a good reason to do something a different way, I’d go along with it rather than being different for the sake of it. But that’s not what’s happening here. You’ve actively decided that you don’t want that name for your child. And that’s your decision. It’s not your FIL’s. It’s not his child, not his family set up (and - to be crass - this child will be living with this name when FIL is long gone). So I’d stick to your guns on this one. (And I’m Mrs DHsurname with DHsurname kids and very happy about it, so no axe to grind!)

@SausageAndCash Yes that's a great summary of why I personally struggle with the tradition. I completely understand that many people associate their names with their heritage and see the loss of one as the loss of the other. But why is the loss of my heritage more acceptable than the loss of his family's?

That's why I went into this with a preference not to drop my name but a complete understanding if DH had not wanted to drop his either.

Name change fail - great irony 😉

How do the surnames proceed when two double barreled people have kids together? What happens in Spain?

What with women doing all the hard work for any name to carry on just who do these entitled men think they are?!

It’s nothing to do with your FIL. My sister’s husband changed his name to hers 25 years ago. My dh and I have different surnames; we both kept our original ones.

Use DH's surname as child's middle name. Keeps it in the family and child can feel a sense of connection to family.
(I know a lot of people who have family surname as a middle name; it's traditional in parts of Scotland).

But give child your surname.

You rarely have to write down your middle name, so child won't have to learn spell DH's name when only just learning to write. And no opportunity for other children to make fun of it.

It's none of FIL's business.

Its not really your FILs buisness anyway, and if your husband is fine really with the baby having your name, I'd just use your name
Double barrelled names are annoying and more complucated anyway, even without one of the names being hard to spell.

Realistically though fil wouldnt know unless you explicitly told him. I didn't know my nephews surname (it was his dads)until he was five and I was asked to sew the name labels in his school jumpers. You dont often call your kid by their full name so its not going to be a real life big deal to anyone but the child when they are going through school and putting it on forms forever- I'd give them the easier/nicer name

I don't get the issue really. Using the 'it's difficult to spell' reason not to use a name is a bit daft. Loads of names are difficult to spell. Mine is but I have an everyday abbreviation for general use and only use the full name when needed. Its occasionally confusing but very rarely.
Just double barrel the names and use yours as the every day name. It's a really common and normal thing to do. Your surname is probably your Dads name so I don't really get how using that is radically different from using your husbands name.

I changed to my husbands name when we got married but I wish we had made a new surname. He Dad was a nasty man so we weren't doing it to carry on the family name.

What happens when two people with double barrel names then have children. 😂

Which surnames then take priority? 🤷‍♀️

@EveryName

Why is her name her fathers name? It became hers - why is it only men own can names and women can only borrow them?!

The tradition I think was that the male child of either family would inherit the property and carry on the name. Some families did have children until a male heir. So both families would have the name continue through their sons. Even then lost people weren’t inheriting as most were poor.

That doesn’t mean it’s a good thing now or something you need to follow. PP are correct your names and your child. Just maybe understand if it means that the name will die out at Dfil or DH generation.

Why did you do it then?

FIL needs to grow up, when we got married my husband changed his surname to match mine. When his parents found out (not at the wedding due to covid) they both threw their toys out the pram and acted like spoiled little babies. They’re still passive aggressive about it and have made fairly innapropriate comments to their 9 year old son about what he has to do when he is older to remain part of the family. Wankers.

However with children I do think they should share names with their parents, so when parents have different surnames I do think its better if the child has two surnames.

I'd say it's time to shut down the nagging of your father in law. It's none of his beeswax. You made an agreement with your husband about names and you have stuck to it. It doesn't matter that your father in law is feeling butt-hurt about it. He doesn't own you and neither does your husband.

In fact I am appalled your husband allows his parents to keep harassing you about it. Totally unacceptable. What will happen if you do have children? I can garantee you they will try to meddle a lot more in your affairs than they do now.

As for your children, they should get your last name. All your husband has to do is ejeculate. You will have to be pregnant for 9 months and then give birth. Even if your husband is as supportive as a partner should be during the pregnancy and the birth, he will not have to endure what you will endure to even make children happen.

Do not give in.

In Spain people often use one of the surnames as their main surname, normal the one that comes first.

Each of the couple passes on one of their surnames, normally the one they use most commonly as their ‘main’ surname.

It used to traditionally be the father’s surname that was passed on to kids as it would be most people’s first surname, but you could always choose the mother’s name as your professional name instead and nowadays you can pass on whichever surname you like more in whatever order you prefer. It’s especially common to pass on a more unusual surname, as otherwise it might disappear.

So in modern times María Dolores García Jones and José Manuel Gil Rodríguez could have a kid who had any two of those four surnames, whichever their parents used most or preferred.

Each person still has to pick just one of their surnames. But it’s normally not a big deal at all.

I should say that also you can only legally have one middle name (which is often used as a first name anyway to get around the number of first name Josés and Marías) in Spain. Not like in the U.K. where you can have four middle names if you want.

Seeing as your DH has no backbone, you’ll need to be the strong one. When FIL asks when you’re changing your name you reply “I’m not. Ever. So you may as well stop asking!” And then move the conversation on.

When FIL complains about your child’s name you respond “You’ve named your children. It’s our turn now, and this is what we’ve chosen” and again, move the conversation on.

If he keeps coming back to complaining a simple “I’m not discussing this with you anymore” is surely sufficient?