To feel that I don't want to be pregnant anymore

[Harris90]

I found out that I was pregnant a few weeks ago and it was very much a shock. I was upset initially and couldn’t stop thinking about how this will have really messed things up for me. I told my boyfriend and he was really happy. He’s also a bit older so a lot of his friends are now having kids and probably feels like more the right time for him. He also assured me that we will make it work.
He’s been stressed in his work now for months and it’s evidently really getting him down. I’ve been stressing at worrying about money when it comes to having a child as I’m due to be having a career change which will mean much lower income on my side for the next 6 years or so (but will then earn significantly more after) and this is something that I’ve been planning for a while now. He said that he would be able to support me through this (I’d not needed the support but I felt it was a kind offer).

A few nights ago he started looking at jobs that would take home about £15000 a year less with significantly less holidays and I got upset so he apologised and assured me that he wasn’t going to do that. He’s now told me that he can’t do this anymore and he’s going to leave his job. There is no real plan B currently. I truly believe that no one should stay in a job that makes them suicidal but I now feel totally stuck and trapped. I was looking at how much childcare costs and I felt sick to see that it would cost about £1000 a month for full time and I still feel pretty clueless about all the other costs alongside having a child. We would need to move but I feel like I can’t take that financial risk to be trapped into a mortgage that I couldn’t then pay off. My family aren’t local and none of my friends have children. I feel like I wish I wasn’t pregnant so that I didn’t feel that I was taking so much of a risk with everything at the moment. I know that I could have an abortion but that would absolutely break him to think that I’d done that because of this situation. I’ve already had a scan and I was reassured to see that there was something there with a heart beat so I think I would also hate myself if I did go through with that.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve ruined my life and I’m only 26. I don’t know who I can speak to as I don’t want to put more stress on my boyfriend. I feel sick and tired and I already hate how my body feels. I’m also worried that if I speak about this or say to people that I don’t want to be pregnant then something bad will happen to it.

How far along are you? Is it too late to look at other options?

Not far, about 8 weeks or so. It would ruin him to terminate the pregnancy over this and he'd feel so guilty. I also think I'd hate myself for it

I'm so sorry you feel this way you must be exhausted from stress! I'm currently 5 weeks pregnant although I'm extremely excited I'm also worried about financial issues. My partner was shocked at first but now he's come round to it. I don't think anyone is ever fully ready for a baby and if everyone waited until they were financially stable in life many people would miss their opportunity. You will always always find a way! I'm a big believer in everything happens for a reason and maybe this baby will be a blessing to you. You have plenty of time to let it sink in and have a think about it xx

Stop thinking about him, and think about you. He doesn't sound like hes taking this seriously or thinking of you at all. Pregnancy and birth are risky affairs that can take a huge toll on mothers, not to mention the lifetime of then being a mother. The kind of man who decides that packing in work right now with no plan for how to support his family isn't the kind of man that will step up and ultimately be the supportive partner and reliable dad that any future child of yours needs.

Ultimately it is your decision but termination is a valid option. There is no perfect time to have a child, but there are times that are so unsuitable they result in hardship and distress for all parties. It's up to you to figure out whether that is the case here or not. You're young and have many years to have a baby later after your career is sorted. If you have one now you can't undo it and there is a very real possibility of poverty and not being able to do your training by the sounds of things? I am slightly older than you and have been in sort of similar situation with regards to career and childcare which has resulted in me having to decline a very highly sought after, competitive training programme that would eventually have resulted in a good salary. I currently earn just over min wage for context. I don't regret it but it has been upsetting and that's happened even though my two kids were planned, and my husband has a secure, decently paying job. Children are really expensive particularly early years childcare.

I love my children but motherhood has meant that I've sacrificed a lot, and this is despite having a loving, supportive, reliable husband. Also fwiw I would never have had kids before being married due to the financial protections marriage offers so that's something to consider too.

Forget about your boyfriend here and think about what YOU want right now. It's your body and your choice and it's likely going to be your life that is changed far more than his, not least the physical effects of pregnancy and birth.

🌹

It's natural to feel anxious about how you'll manage and be concerned about the responsibility of becoming parents beforehand but you and your partner will be ok and will manage.

You do not have to continue with this pregnancy, and you would not need to tell him about the termination. You could tell him you had a miscarriage and leave it at that. If now is not the right time for you that's perfectly ok.

That is a tough situation and I'm sorry you find yourself in it.

In the kindest way, if you don't think you will be able to afford a child, do you not think it's unfair to bring them into the world? It doesn't sound like you two are ready to be parents, especially if your boyfriend is feeling suicidal, and a child can put a huge strain on a relationship. They become your number one priority, and everything that you enjoyed and the things that made you you take a back seat. You make this change happily because your child becomes your world. Are you ready to do that?

At the stage of pregnancy you're at, the foetus feels no pain, has no thoughts, is not a baby. Though if you don't feel like that and could not go through an abortion, then you will need to sit down and work out how much money you need for the first 4 years (once they're in school, it's much cheaper). If you breastfeed, buy supermarket brand nappies and used clothes/toys on FB marketplace, a baby is not expensive at all in their first year of life. When they start talking and asking for things (and you have the eye -watering nursery cost) they start to cost ~£10000-15000 a year. With childcare you can get up to £2000 off a year through the tax-free childcare scheme, which you'll be eligible for if you earn a joint income under £100k.

Hope things work out. And to give you the flip side for perspective, I am desperate to be pregnant, had a previous miscarriage, and now it's not happening. Life's unfair, eh?

Think about you and whether you are ready to have a child. I don't mean to be unpleasant, but you have to take seriously the possibility that your boyfriend will fade out of the picture when the baby arrives and end up paying minimal financial support - many do.

I truly believe that the only reason to have a baby is because you want one. Not because you 'owe' one to anyone else. If you want this child, you will make it work but there is no point sugar-coating it...parenthood is tough and lack of money/support makes it a lot tougher.

That's not to say that you couldn't do it... I've no doubt you could make it work, including financially. But the question is whether you want to.

Thank you everyone for your replies I really appreciate the reassurance and different perspectives.

In regards to the financial situation we're currently on a combined income of about £70000 so if he did take a £15000 pay drop it wouldn't leave us completely stuck. But that would be with me staying in my current job and not retraining which I don't want to do.

I know that I could have an abortion but I just don't know if I could go through with it.

I've also had about 3 hours sleep so i know I'll be going worst case scenario with everything at the moment

OP, it seems very intense and scary now, but you are seriously looking at the numbers, thinking about different financial options etc, so it is clear you are good at budgeting.
I wouldn't terminate a pregnancy because of temporary financial struggles.
Baby related initial expenses can be as big or as small you design them. You absolutely can buy all the equipment second hand. It will be good quality for a fraction of the price. Same with clothes if it comes to that. My local Facebook place regualry gives away bundles of baby clothes.
From the age of 2 on your income you will be entitled to some free childcare.
Even if your boyfriend resigns now it doesn't mean he will be unemployed forever.
I would advise differently if you have other, non-financial considerations though

Just so you understand the perspective from which I'm speaking- because it makes a really big difference, I think- I'm a 'abortion as a last resort, and not for me' kind of person. So I understand your struggle to know if you could go through with it.

Here's my take-

Plan how you would do this alone. Look at your situation, look at work and home. Ignore your relationship. If you were doing it alone, what would it look like? Could you cope? Could you defer retraining until your DC starts school? Could you manage retraining and a baby with family support?

Do not factor him into it.

Then decide.

Basically he is making life harder for you. If you terminate, he may well end the relationship. If you don't terminate -sorry but the man's flaky and irresponsible. He'll make life harder in the long run.

So. What would you like to do, if you look at your future as a single woman?

In my opinion, you are young. You have time to start again in your career and your personal life. Whether that's with a child you raise alone, or without.

Many pregnancies fail early on. This could be one of them, either naturally or because you terminate. This is early. Think hard, think fast.

but you and your partner will be ok and will manage.

the world is full of parents who are not managing.

OP is saying ‘boyfriend’ rather than partner and pregnancy is unplanned. Boyfriend doesn’t have a job. She wants to retrain. She has no family support. It just seems like really non-ideal personal circumstances. The world is hard enough at the moment without making it harder for oneself.

Terminate and find a more stable partner.

I had my second child at 26 (first at 23, planned pregnancy) on a much, much lower family income than yourself and your partner. Financially, with what you have I would say its totally doable but obviously would probably involve some changes to your current lifestyle.
I guess it depends what you want most at the stage of life that you are at now.
If it is an abortion you choose you could always tell your partner you had a miscarriage......

You are in a really tough position but I really think you need to stop prioritising your partner. He assured you that you could make it work and he would support you but is now planning to give up his job. It does sound like that was the right thing for him to do but it's at odds with his previous statements. Leaving a job, no matter how awful, when there is a baby on the way isn't demonstrating he understands the responsibilities he promised to meet and of how life changing becoming a parent will be.

If you decide to continue with the pregnancy then I think you need to consider how you would manage if you were doing it alone because I think your partner may well be less enthusiastic about the reality than the idea of a baby. I don't think he is intentionally deceiving but has possibly not really thought everything through.

Your life isn't ruined it's just taken a different path to the one you planned but you still have time to decide if it's the path you wish to continue along. I think you need to put your needs at the center of your decision making. There will be pros and cons to whichever decision you make so which ever way you go you will probably feel both relief and regret. I hope you work out what's best for you and can be at peace with that decision.

"It would ruin him to terminate the pregnancy over"
Your body, your choice.
With difficult finances, an unstable-sounding situation, no family nearby and a partner who feels 'suicidal' about his job, I wouldn't be going ahead myself. But I'm not you.
Please be reassured though that, at 8 weeks, it's absolutely fine and sensible to be seriously considering your options.

This!

It is your body and your future that will be impacted most.
It sounds like he is the sort of man to give up things when they are hard and having a kid is bloody hard.
Ask yourself first that if you were alone would you do this. If not I think that termination is a good option.

I'm amazed at so many people are telling you to terminate, despite you indicating that you want to keep the baby but are concerned over finances. You are at a vulnerable place right now in terms of worrying etc. Having a baby is financially tough. Having a baby changes everything and you may well find that you actually don't wish to retrain when it's young as you don't have the focus on career or the time/energy to devote to retraining. You will find a way. Many many people find things financially hard having a baby, but they muddle through and make it work. Some keep childcare costs down by buddying up with another mother and working part time (looking after each others children on their days off). Others move closer to family. At 3 years old they will be entitled to free childcare. One friend retrained/registered as a childcarer so that she could earn money whilst being home with her child for a couple of years. She has now reverted back to her original career. The only thing that you can be certain of is that everything will change and that you will find that, living in the here and now (as you have to with a baby) that you will become more adaptable. Good luck with whatever you decide. Simplify the decision. Simply ask yourself whether you want to keep this baby. Take everything and everyone else out of the equation.

Take a deep breath. If your joint income is currently £70k a year and you might end up at £55k (but you would pay less tax as a proportion remember) then unless you live in zone 1 London you will be absolutely fine. Many, many people have two or three children on that income and manage.
If you and your partner want this baby, keep it - an income of £55k is not a reason to terminate an otherwise wanted child. Especially don't listen to posters saying terminate and tell him you had a miscarriage. That kind of dishonesty is going to either cause you so much guilt or ruin your relationship.
Sit down with him, tell him you understand that he hates his job but you are going to be parents and he needs to sensibly have a plan before quitting. It is also much better to get this sorted now 7 months before the baby arrives than when you have a newborn. Make a plan together, and look for a viable new job for him. Good luck!

Terrible advice - no not terminate and pretend you had a miscarriage!!

It sounds like you need to talk this over with someone independant, to help you make the right decision for you. BPAS offers pregnancy counselling and might be a place to start?

Thank you everyone again. I don't think I would want to terminate regardless of how he felt about it and I think although if I did that it would maybe be a bit of a relief in terms of time and money I would regret it.
I'm really frustrated at him. I don't want to break up with him and he has lots of strengths but I guess his main weakness is probably not coping too well under this type of stress.

How long have you been together? He doesn't sound like he's a very stable or reliable partner just now.

At 26 you have plenty of fertile years ahead of you to have a child at a more suitable time in the future.

8 weeks is not far along but it will only get harder if you decide to terminate further along. Maybe there is a counselling service that could help you talk through your options.

Don’t factor him into your decision.

It’s very easy for the man to walk away from gathering responsibilities when things get tough (especially when you aren’t married to them) and it is you who’ll be left holding the baby and dealing with all the chaos.

You’re so young and this has to be YOUR decision.

Yes he may be upset, but that doesn’t mean you have to tie yourself to the life-long commitment that comes with having a child, especially when the baby is going to arrive when circumstances are not ideal.

If he can’t support you in your decision then sadly you may lose him, but this is your life, and it is a life that will probably be affected far more than his will be by having a child, and therefore this is your decision.

You've got a bit of time, so take a step back and have a think about what you can do. You should be able to arrange some counselling to talk things through - a neutral person is helpful.

He sounds a bit flakey - hopefully he'll come good, but what would be sensible is to imagine how you'll keep your life on track if he doesn't, as well as how the both of you will keep it going if you do stay together.

You need to have a plan, so even if your re-training has to be delayed for a couple of years, it isn't totally junked.

If you can have the baby (including if you split up) and keep your plans more or less on track then great. If you can't then it would be sensible to think about whether you continue or whether you decide that motherhood isn't for you right now.