To feel that I don't want to be pregnant anymore

[Harris90]

I found out that I was pregnant a few weeks ago and it was very much a shock. I was upset initially and couldn’t stop thinking about how this will have really messed things up for me. I told my boyfriend and he was really happy. He’s also a bit older so a lot of his friends are now having kids and probably feels like more the right time for him. He also assured me that we will make it work.
He’s been stressed in his work now for months and it’s evidently really getting him down. I’ve been stressing at worrying about money when it comes to having a child as I’m due to be having a career change which will mean much lower income on my side for the next 6 years or so (but will then earn significantly more after) and this is something that I’ve been planning for a while now. He said that he would be able to support me through this (I’d not needed the support but I felt it was a kind offer).

A few nights ago he started looking at jobs that would take home about £15000 a year less with significantly less holidays and I got upset so he apologised and assured me that he wasn’t going to do that. He’s now told me that he can’t do this anymore and he’s going to leave his job. There is no real plan B currently. I truly believe that no one should stay in a job that makes them suicidal but I now feel totally stuck and trapped. I was looking at how much childcare costs and I felt sick to see that it would cost about £1000 a month for full time and I still feel pretty clueless about all the other costs alongside having a child. We would need to move but I feel like I can’t take that financial risk to be trapped into a mortgage that I couldn’t then pay off. My family aren’t local and none of my friends have children. I feel like I wish I wasn’t pregnant so that I didn’t feel that I was taking so much of a risk with everything at the moment. I know that I could have an abortion but that would absolutely break him to think that I’d done that because of this situation. I’ve already had a scan and I was reassured to see that there was something there with a heart beat so I think I would also hate myself if I did go through with that.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve ruined my life and I’m only 26. I don’t know who I can speak to as I don’t want to put more stress on my boyfriend. I feel sick and tired and I already hate how my body feels. I’m also worried that if I speak about this or say to people that I don’t want to be pregnant then something bad will happen to it.

I have had two abortions, both were after my family was complete and thankfully dh is in for the snip next month. The most recent was last month at 8 weeks. There was a two week wait for the appointment I made it at 6 weeks as soon as I found out. It was a couple of unpleasant days of heavy bleeding and cramps then the worst was over. The hormones have subsided and I feel back to normal now.

I firmly believe that I made the right choices and carry no guilt. Pregnancy and parenthood are hard. I've been single parent and personally believe that every woman should consider how they would cope alone before going through with a pregnancy because it is a real possibility.

We have an income of around yours and have 3 children fairly comfortably but my career has been sacrificed to make it work.

This is not your last chance, you have maybe 10+ years ahead where you may feel more ready.

I may be reading this wrong but it sounds like you're asking permission and you don't need it. You absolutely can make a decision that is right for you. If that means termination and waiting until you have stability, career options and a support network around you then it's OK to make that decision.

This pregnancy is not yet a baby, only you can decide. Do not be railroaded by anyone, if you go ahead, you will carry, birth and raise a child, if thats what you want then that's wonderful, if it's not then you may resent him for going ahead. An appointment with a specialist counsellor would be a very good idea at this stage.

You have mentioned that he is not good with stress. Having a baby is the absolute hardest thing someone can do (even for a man who doesn't even go through a fraction of what the mother goes through!).

i agree with the others. Work on the assumption you will be doing this physically, financially and emotionally on your own and decide if you can do that or not. Don't rely on him. Even if he sticks around, he sounds like he will be one of these MN dads who does FA.

Well me and my partner have 4 kids and a joint income of £45,000 so I would say don’t worry about the money. We manage just fine on what we have. It should be about you and what you want, if your not ready to have a baby yourself then that’s totally your decision. X

Give yourself time to get used to being pregnant and let your hormones settle. You have at least a month to make your decision to continue with pregnancy or abort. As others have said you can get cheap baby equipment and clothing on FB marketplace. Breastfeeding is free if you can do it. The main expense comes with childcare. A childminder is cheaper than nursery for a a small baby and at 2 you will get some free childcare provision. Some employers do a scheme where you sacrifice salary for childcare voucher and you gain by taking this up. You have to assume your partner will not be in the picture because he sounds a bit flaky tbh. He may not be capable of supporting you through pregnancy. If you go ahead with baby know it is for at least 18 years and usually for life. I was not ready for my first baby. I cried when I found I was pregnant. I was married but still did not feel ready but I could not go through it with an abortion especially because I knew I wanted children in a year or two. I had baby and fell in love with her. Never regretted it. She's all grown up now and I have 2 grandkids whilst still young enough to be enjoy them.