To feel sad I’ll never get married

[HelloChickenNugget]

I’m 41 and never been married. I do have 2 DC, with a big age gap, with different fathers, neither of whom it was ever going to be on the cards to marry.

I did once come close to getting married, 10 years ago. Church booked, dress bought…but then he did something unforgivable and that was that. A lucky escape, as it turned out, but that’s another story.

I have been a bit of a commitment-phobe my whole life which probably explains the crux of the problem. However I do get a bit sad at weddings when I see a couple standing up and making that ultimate commitment to each other, and I wish that someone (nice!) had wanted to do that with me.

My current bf I have been with for 2 years, and I know without any question that he is the one. I’ve known that since very early on, and we get on brilliantly, it’s so different to anything I’ve experienced before. We laugh and laugh, literally never argued, have great sex, and every time I see him I fall deeper in love with him. Just being around him makes me feel calm and protected and at home. There is honestly nothing about him I don’t like, no niggling doubts I am trying to ignore. I’ve never experienced that before, there’s always been something (usually a few things!). He is amazing, and he thinks the same of me.

I would absolutely marry him in a heartbeat. But he is adamant he doesn’t want to ever get married. We don’t plan to have DC, I’m more than likely too old anyway so that’s fortunate, which in my mind is really the main reason to marry. But anyway, he is very clear that it’s something he never wants to do.

I absolutely respect that, and this isn’t a ‘how to get him to marry me’ thread. If I had to twist his arm then I would rather not do it at all, I would want him to be enthusiastic and willing!

So the upshot is, it’s looking very unlikely that I will ever get married. It’s not a deal breaker by any means, I’ve made it this far without being married and I dare say I’ll carry on just fine. But I suppose it’s how I reconcile a life of assuming one day that would happen for me, to the reality that it never will?

My best friend was in this situation with her DP who was adamant he never wanted to get married. Fast forward 20 years and he proposes! She was 63 when they got married and it was the best day! Never say never.
However, if it doesn't happen for you at least you have the love of what sounds a lovely man.

I’m in your situation without the boyfriend. Married twice - it’s not what it was cracked up to be.

Marriage - why doesn’t he want to? Tax reasons are good and inheritance- I do know a couple where he said no and then 5 years later said he wanted to

if you live together or have joint assets I can see the point

for me I’d love to marry a finaL time to the one

make it clear it is something you want left on the table - there is a good episode of the good witch where he says he’s never getting married and she points out that he had shut off a path without any discussion rather than leave the future open

I have been married and it didn't work out. It was alot of money and stress for that piece of paper and the marraige did not live up to the vows we said. I don't think I will ever get married again but I would love to find something that you have

He doesn’t want to because he says he doesn’t know anyone who is married who’s not miserable. He does make a valid point there, of my close friends who are married, the majority are pretty unhappy. And also I think the thought is just terrifying for him, he’s never had a serious relationship before and its definitely been a slow burner, which has actually been lovely. I think I’ve been quite intuitive in allowing him to have time to find his feet, and it’s meant that when things have deepened between us it’s been totally genuine and not just lip-service. He is completely honest and never says anything he doesn’t mean or make promises he can’t keep, he’s a man of his word.

And that’s fine, really it is. I’d far rather be with him married or not, than with anyone else.

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe aww that’s lovely! I won’t give up just yet then 🤣

I also had a friend who married her chap as a 25th anniversary celebration. Worked for them, both in their fifties, no kids.

It doesn’t matter so much if you don’t have children, but marriage does offer a lot of financial benefits, and some protection for a lower earner in the event of a split and a discrepancy in wealth. The inheritance tax perks are hard to fault.

I felt it was important to get married before starting a family. Can’t really recall why, now. Having come out the other side, as it were, I suspect it’s one of those things that’s more important if you don’t have it, and doesn’t seem such a big deal once you do. I think it’s very unlikely I’ll marry again, despite the financial pros. Although I did hear you can have a bash at the NHM, which the right chap might just manage to bribe me with if he’s keen and it saves ££££

I’m never changing my name again, though. That was a ridiculous palava.

My feeling is that his reasoning is rubbish (and also potentially not the real reason). There’s plenty of unmarried couples who are unhappy too.

Make sure you protect yourself financially and put yourself first in this relationship. Pretty sure that’s what he intends to do. Then carry on with it for as long as it suits you.

Are you living together??

And I completely understand your sadness at not being married. Coming to terms with having a different life to the one we thought we’d have is hard.

Make sure you protect yourself financially and put yourself first in this relationship. Pretty sure that’s what he intends to do. Then carry on with it for as long as it suits you.

I agree. Very important indeed!!

It ain't over till it's over IMHO. I've known too many couples who've got married late in life.

But really , truly you have a great relationship with a lovely man. It's a great place to be. and you can see that. That should be your focus and you sound sensible enough to know that.

Acknowledging this sadness you feel is really important but like all these shoulda, woulda, coulda things it's then time to let it go.

Putting it on here could be part of the process.

@Eeksteek what's the NHM?

Natural History Museum.

👍🏻😁

In a simular situation OP. Never married and now with the 'one' (4 years) and I knew from day one we would never get married. His reason being he was with his ex for a long time before they married and it ended fairly soon after they married!

Makes me sad at times but I've got more to protect than him so it's for the best really.

Yanbu.

I'm a similar age and will never marry either, it does make me sad. For those talking inheritance tax etc though, OP could be at risk from marrying??

In my case, as a single woman my dc will solely inherit my assets. If I married then the man would want a chunk. Why would I deprive my dc of this?

Don't always assume that women are poor and automatically benefit from marriage!

In my case, as a single woman my dc will solely inherit my assets. If I married then the man would want a chunk. Why would I deprive my dc of this?

You might love the man very very much. Just saying.

I used to want it too, until I realised I didn't. It's one of these things that society conditions you to want, but it wasn't what was important to me.

What do you want? That big day that everyone conditions you to want?

Or the love of a good man, which you already have?

There are lots of good experiences in life that we won't all have. The key is focus on the ones that are available to you, and to appreciate the hell out of them. Do it actively enough, and the other stuff starts to matter less and less.

I now no longer want to get married, to point that even if I did fall in love again like you, I wouldn't say yes.

That would be my concern - if you have children, marriage may not be a smart step.

I get where you are coming from, OP. but marriage isnt necessarily the the be all and end all. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with a lovely man x

I think there is a good chance he’ll change his mind in future (even if just for inheritance etc), but to stay with him you will have to accept that would just be the icing on the cake - and may never happen.

It took my DH 6 years to propose. He never swore off marriage but had the view that we didn’t need a piece of paper. For a long time I was ok with that, but it eventually ground me down and played on my insecurities. It made me feel like he wasn’t sure he really wanted to be with me in the long term.

So in the end I did raise it with him and tell him how I felt. Things went quiet for a while but he did end up doing a lovely proposal and we had a great wedding. We’re very happy and never regretted getting married - he was just a bit slower to decide it was what he wanted too. Or at least didn’t want to lose me over it.

I think you should tell him that you understand how he feels, and while you aren’t putting any pressure on him as you’re happy with the way things are now, you would like to keep the option on the table in the future. See how he responds.

As it’s such a good relationship I wouldn’t leave him over it, but you may find it bothers you more and more as time goes on. It just depends whether you can accept it.

I get where you are coming from being with dp over 10 years and we will never marry. A big part of me doesn't want to, I have more assets and I want my dc to inherit but another part does, interestingly the longer we are together the less I want to and the more he talks around the subject. Anyway just wanted to say you are not alone and we are allowed conflicting feelings

I hear you loud and clear. Im a little older than you, no man in my life.
Never been married and tbh not sure I've ever really be in love.
Im very used to my own company and there are very few people I like to spend extended amounts of time with.
I've reached the conclusion Im happy (most of the time) alone.
I suffer with depression and PTSD, the thought of explaining that to someone new fills me dread. It has been used against me before and just won't go there again.
Im glad you're happy in your relationship, but make sure you have security with your finances.

Ensure all the financial supports are in place for both of you, and forget it. Maybe he's right and don't fix something that isn't broken

Things I have believed with absolute certainty in the past include: I willl get married and have kids; I'll be single my whole life; my career will always be going in one direction - upwards and onwards, natch; I'll die by forty (hello, 20 year old nihilist me); feminism is "for everybody", idiot and I'll do menopause without HRT. Yeah, right oh.

How you are or feel today is not necessarily how you are or feel tomorrow. And that is also true of your partner. There's some wise advice on this thread about integrating your lives carefully - finance's etc - but if you're happy together, I would ask myself why marriage is important to you. I'm not judging at all, I do understand it.

I'm 52, never married, no kids. Met my partner 11 years ago. I too wanted to get married a few years back but my partner didn't. He's divorced with young adult children. I spent some time reflecting on why I wanted to marry (I wanted to formalise our union for legal and emotional reasons to do with family estrangement on my side) and I spent some time reflecting on why he was more reluctant (which had a lot to do with previous experience and the idea of a wedding day itself). I came to the conclusion that whilst I felt sadness at not getting married, I knew we were fully committed to each other and had done everything we could to mitigate legal issues when one of us dies.

Roll on 2021 and, out of the blue, he proposed on some uneventful May evening. (Having told all our friends and family) and we are get married next year. Lockdown made him realise that he wanted to marry me.and ges all for the full wedding works too, which really surprised me.

I'll be a grey haired, menopausal bride- not what younger me imagined - but I'm happy. I believe life is a series of watershed moments and we can mourn the paths we did not take and events we did not experience but, in the end, we have the cards we are dealt and it's up to us to decide whether we want to play them or start again with a new hand. Comparing yourself to others- or an imagined and therefore perfect version of life - is the thief of joy. I say that as the perfect mother of perfect children...who live in my glorious imagination 🤣

I think it is possible given how you describe your DP that he might change his mind, though it may be years down the line. Hopefully completely unnecessary, but the comment about protecting your wealth/assets is a valid one.

Sorry had a very long day, thanks for all the lovely replies. @RaininginDarling your story is especially lovely. I can relate to the not being what you imagined bit, if it does happen for me I don’t think it will be for a looooooong time. And never quite imagined myself as a 60 year old bride.

Also can really relate to the if it ain’t broke POV. Our relationship is really perfect as it is, why rock the boat? But at the same time I know without any question that he is my person and I’ve never felt strongly (or really at all) that I want to commit to someone until now.

Finances wise, as it stands he’s far better off than I am, owns his house although it’s not worth loads, earning a good wage. And I am a single mum in a HA house living day to day money-wise. However I am likely to inherit a fair bit in the future, and he won’t get any inheritance.

No we don’t live together, as I said it’s a slow burner! In fact we live quite far apart (I’m talking hours), but we have both made a considerable effort to see each other as much as we possibly can. More so on his part, it’s easier for him to come here as he doesn’t have kids and animals to sort like I do. But the way his work is, he does contracts and then they finish and he may have 2 or 3 months off. And then he’ll come to see me and stay here for a few weeks, pop back home for a few days, then come back etc. So when he’s here he’s literally with me 24/7, he even comes and helps me at work. And I can honestly say that I have never got fed up with him being around, quite the opposite, which is very unusual for me. I’m not peopley at all and generally I feel really burnt out and irritable if I have to spend more than about 24 hours with someone. But we can literally spend weeks together and it’s just always so lovely, he is the kindest person I’ve ever known and so laid back, I think it would be impossible to fall out with him.

He’s also supported me through a difficult time earlier this year, he was absolutely there for me 💯, and just took over my life for me when I was unable to do things for a while. I feel bad because I feel like I can’t give him what he gives me, his whole way of thinking when he’s here is ‘what can I do to make her life easier’ and he really does so much, but never holds it over me or expects anything back. But it’s massively appreciated by me and I do what little things I can to show that.

@Neverendingmindfuck I can really relate to what you’re saying as I also have PTSD and it’s not something you really want to bandy about on a first date. But honestly there are people out there who are accepting of it, I told my bf about it all in degrees as and when things came up that were affecting me. He’s just accepted it as part of me and never seen it as a problem. And I can honestly say he’s been the best medicine for it, my head has been so much better for knowing him. He left a jumper here last time and I picked it up and sniffed it after he’d gone (god that sounds sad 🤣), and a feeling of calm and happy literally flooded over me. And that’s how I feel all the time when we’re together. PTSD never really goes away but if it was 80% bad when I met him it’s about 5% bad now, if that.