To feel sad I’ll never get married

[HelloChickenNugget]

I’m 41 and never been married. I do have 2 DC, with a big age gap, with different fathers, neither of whom it was ever going to be on the cards to marry.

I did once come close to getting married, 10 years ago. Church booked, dress bought…but then he did something unforgivable and that was that. A lucky escape, as it turned out, but that’s another story.

I have been a bit of a commitment-phobe my whole life which probably explains the crux of the problem. However I do get a bit sad at weddings when I see a couple standing up and making that ultimate commitment to each other, and I wish that someone (nice!) had wanted to do that with me.

My current bf I have been with for 2 years, and I know without any question that he is the one. I’ve known that since very early on, and we get on brilliantly, it’s so different to anything I’ve experienced before. We laugh and laugh, literally never argued, have great sex, and every time I see him I fall deeper in love with him. Just being around him makes me feel calm and protected and at home. There is honestly nothing about him I don’t like, no niggling doubts I am trying to ignore. I’ve never experienced that before, there’s always been something (usually a few things!). He is amazing, and he thinks the same of me.

I would absolutely marry him in a heartbeat. But he is adamant he doesn’t want to ever get married. We don’t plan to have DC, I’m more than likely too old anyway so that’s fortunate, which in my mind is really the main reason to marry. But anyway, he is very clear that it’s something he never wants to do.

I absolutely respect that, and this isn’t a ‘how to get him to marry me’ thread. If I had to twist his arm then I would rather not do it at all, I would want him to be enthusiastic and willing!

So the upshot is, it’s looking very unlikely that I will ever get married. It’s not a deal breaker by any means, I’ve made it this far without being married and I dare say I’ll carry on just fine. But I suppose it’s how I reconcile a life of assuming one day that would happen for me, to the reality that it never will?

@HelloChickenNugget ,
Im in early stages of the process, the pandemic hasn't helped. I didn't recognise it as such. But certainly when I've shared my story its been used against me and I don't have much faith in people.
Im happy you found a good one 😊

Marriage is purely a financial arrangement OP. It has no bearing whatsoever on the quality of your relationship and in fact your DP is correct that a lot of people are trapped and miserable in their marriages.

That said do you feel you need some financial protection which you are not getting? If so you may want to discuss this with him.

Otherwise I would quietly congratulate yourself for having dodged a bullet and enjoy not being tied down.

Marriage is purely a financial arrangement OP.

With respect there are lots of people who would not agree with this.

And the fact OP has brought it up kind of indicates that it might be the same for her.

Sorry had a very long day, thanks for all the lovely replies. @RaininginDarling your story is especially lovely. I can relate to the not being what you imagined bit, if it does happen for me I don’t think it will be for a looooooong time. And never quite imagined myself as a 60 year old bride.

💐

You're very lucky to have met someone brilliant imo. I'd rather have that than my brilliant wedding (it was fun), to an utter twat!

I agree that there are some people who put a lot of value in marriage.

But in this specific situation with a partner who is resolutely opposed but otherwise apparently perfect and no financial reason to do it, surely focusing on marriage would be basically cutting off your nose to spite your face?

The OP essentially acknowledges this in her post.

I think we are just so conditioned to think we must all have marriage as our ultimate goal we rarely think about whether it’s actually a good idea.

But in this specific situation with a partner who is resolutely opposed but otherwise apparently perfect and no financial reason to do it, surely focusing on marriage would be basically cutting off your nose to spite your face?

Essentially we agree .

I wear my unmarried badge proudly, as it’s more unusual, a little rebellious and I like being an independent entity. I just don’t generally go with what society deems I should be doing and find weddings quite bizarre. Name changing is particularly unattractive to me for a whole host of reasons. If I were you I’d appreciate your financial independence and great sounding relationship than be hankering after what you haven’t got. Easier said than done of course.

I wear my unmarried badge proudly, as it’s more unusual, a little rebellious and I like being an independent entity. I just don’t generally go with what society deems I should be doing and find weddings quite bizarre.

Most of my friends and circle are like you. Turned out I was the "little bit rebellious " one getting married. 😁