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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner drinking every weekend

37 replies

Newmumoct20 · 18/06/2022 21:54

To set the scene, me and my partner have an 18 month old. He has 2 children from a previous relationship. He has them every other weekend. He has his children at a relatives house (his mum) in a Friday and with me and his other child on a Saturday.

he has a problem with alcohol, he’s fine after a few but doesn’t know when to stop.

he says he is entitled to drink after work and at weekends as he works hard all week but when he drinks it’s normally 6-8 pints sometimes more and then he is rude and nasty to me.

if it’s his weekend with his other children, he will drink in the Friday and when he calls he is nasty. Then on the Saturday he will drink here all afternoon evening leaving me to do everything and look after our soon.

to share the problem with alcohol is not new. I’ve asked him lots of times to cut down but he says he doesn’t have to and can do what the fuck he likes.

when I was 6 months pregnant he got drunk at a friends and told me we were over, I drove against doctors orders to try and talk sense into him, it was his mum that eventually did.

when our child was 2 months old, he got so drunk one afternoon I had to carry him upstairs and clean up his sick while looking after a small baby. It was heartbreaking.

im scared for the impression it makes on his other children but worried for our toddler, I already put him to bed early so he’s not up when his dad drinks but I know this is wrong.

I’ve posted many on here before the relationship is a mess, I know I should leave but I can’t, I’m not strong enough.

I just need to find some strength in knowing it’s him and not me being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 18/06/2022 22:01

If you can't leave for yourself, Newmumoct20, can you leave for the sake of your child?

Badger1970 · 18/06/2022 22:04

Do you think your child will thank you for staying? Because they won't.

Your apathy may well cost you a relationship with them in later years.

My cousins barely tolerate their alcoholic father and enabling mother.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/06/2022 22:07

I know I should leave but I can’t, I’m not strong enough.

You are. You just keep telling yourself you aren't.

In order to leave it's just tiny steps. Just Google local resources. Just save up and see a lawyer. Just keep evidence of his drinking and abuse for a while. Just do the small steps towards leaving. You can do all of these and still not leave. But you don't even have the choice if you don't start planning.

LEAVE seems enormous. But each thing you have to do to achieve it isn't.

GrazingSheep · 18/06/2022 22:07

Can you get help to leave him?
You know your child’s life will be completely fucked up if you stay.

GreenManalishi · 18/06/2022 22:08

The longer you stay the more this situation will affect your child.
Imagine talking with your son in the future about why you left his dad.
Now imagine talking with your son about why you didn't.

GabriellaMontez · 18/06/2022 22:10

You need to leave. He's a shit.

What's your situation? Do you rent? Do you work? Make a plan.

DrManhattan · 18/06/2022 22:10

Get the fuck out of there

Wolfiefan · 18/06/2022 22:11

YABU not to leave. This isn’t about having a drink at the weekend. It’s about binging and being abusive. Put your child first and end it.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 18/06/2022 22:12

He is an alcoholic. You’re right to be worried about your child. Growing up living with an alcoholic means your child is more likely to become an alcoholic.

Arnaquer · 18/06/2022 22:15

Why are with him? He sounds pretty awful

Cakecakecheese · 18/06/2022 22:19

Growing up with an abusive alcoholic parent can be very damaging for a child. There are places you can go to get help. Please do so.

Hankunamatata · 18/06/2022 22:21

Get yourself some counselling or contact womens aid for some support.

LuckyCat4 · 18/06/2022 22:25

You ARE strong enough to leave, you probably just haven't realised it yet. Believe me, I know how horrendous it is but you must leave.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/06/2022 22:29

You're strong enough, you're just making excuses. This man is going to ruin your child's life. If that's not enough to make you leave, nothing is.

Newmumoct20 · 18/06/2022 22:31

I don’t feel strong enough. My head in bits.

today has been awful, he’s here with his other children, he was rude to me so I said I was going out to clear my head, that I wouldn’t be long but to keep an eye on our toddler as he was asleep. I was gone an hour. When I came back he’s pissed. I went to bed cos I don’t want to be round him like that and now he’s blaring out music waking up our little boy.

tomorrow he will be sorry but it’s really affecting me and I know it will affect our son. I’m not trying to be a bad mum by staying with him, I just don’t have the strength now to leave

OP posts:
Lbnc2021 · 18/06/2022 22:34

imagine your life in 5 years time. Do you still want to be putting up with this then?

7679aga · 18/06/2022 22:40

Statistically children are traumatised by an alcoholic parent its regarded as an adverse childhood event,witnessing domestic abuse is another adverse event which your child is witnessing being rude is different to being abused and that is what is happening. Additionally your child is statistically more likely to develop an addiction or end up in a relationship with someone with an addiction. Look up adult children of alcoholics to infirm your decision. Its hard to walk away but you are being abused, he isnt being rude he is abusing you.

TeenyQueen · 18/06/2022 22:40

You left a vulnerable child, a toddler, with a drunk? That is neglect. Can you self refer to social services?

If you can't protect your child and can't put him first can you ask a family member to look after him instead, your mum or sister for example?

I'm so sorry to be victim blaming because clearly you are a victim of abuse and need support, but as a mother you always put your child's needs first no matter what. Your son deserves better.

Sapphire387 · 18/06/2022 22:43

Why don't you have the strength to leave, OP? You keep saying that. What's preventing you?

GreenManalishi · 18/06/2022 22:50

You're going to need more strength if you stay. This person will ruin your life and that of your child if you let him and that's your motivation.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 18/06/2022 22:56

He's an alcoholic. It will only get worse love x

Siepie · 18/06/2022 22:56

Is his other children's mum aware that he's drunk every time he has them? If not, are you able to let her know?

And then, as hard as it is, you do need to start planning a way out for you and your toddler. It's not a safe environment for either of you, but especially for a child to grow up in.

bakewellbride · 18/06/2022 23:00

@TeenyQueen has said it perfectly. You're a mum now and there is no excuse to stay. You're going to have to be strong enough - the child should come first.

huuskymam · 18/06/2022 23:03

Don't do this to your child. I grew up with an alcoholic father, always walking on egg shells, always watching what I said, always waiting for the fights to start. Left when I was 17, had very little contact with him. Now I'm 50 and it's only now after him being sober for 10 years that we're building a relationship. Please leave.

bakewellbride · 18/06/2022 23:04

My mum never left her abusive partner and it caused me to have a lot of severe mental health problems and my relationship with her broke down in my early twenties because she would not leave him and protect me. I've had no contact with her for a decade and rebuilt my life and found happiness.

I essentially know how it feels to be your child. It was scary and very upsetting. Don't be like my mum.