To struggle sending a Father’s Day card to a dad who doesn’t care?

[LongTermIssues]

Tomorrow is going to be all about my husband who really is an amazing dad to our 2 young children, and also we’re dropping off some pressies at my FIL’s house (they’re still on holiday but he can open them as soon as he gets back) as FIL is caring, shows interest, clearly genuinely loves us (me and husband) and our kids. So I’m perfectly happy saying to husband and FIL, thank you for being great father figures and thanks for their love. I have experienced love from them that I never experienced growing up.

But obviously I need to say happy Father’s Day to my own dad. And this is where I’m struggling. While maybe he did love me as a kid, he never said so. He divorced my mum when I was a teen and he remarried surprisingly quickly and gained a stepdaughter. That girl has now fully been the apple of his eye for the last 18 years. Basically he doesn’t show an interest in me or my children, unless I initiate it ie sending him a pic, or sending a message to say hi (read: desperately seeking attention/love).

So would you struggle with this or just suck it up and send the bloody card? (Obv I haven’t actually posted it cos I’m too disorganised so he’ll get it late anyway 🤦‍♀️)

YABU: Of course you have to send a Father’s Day card to your own bloody dad no matter what you think of him

YANBU: No don’t send him a card, don’t try to pretend things you do / don’t feel

In your position I wouldn't worry about sending a card. If your relationship is you chasing him for attention then he's already shown he's not too bothered about receiving a card. I know it hurts but it's his loss.

I don’t have much of a relationship with my Dad and struggle to find a suitable card. But nevertheless l send a card and present every year. I suppose it just keeps up some kind of charade that makes family dynamics stay harmonious. I understand how you feel though completely.

I think if this is the first year you won't have sent one it gives the message you've had enough so be prepared for the end of the relationship, especially if he's unlikely to be in touch asking of caring why .

You don’t have to send anything.

As a parent you get back what you put in. Shit dad? Doesn’t get a relationship with his child. That’s that.

Send him a text with a gif attached . That I'll do .

Seriously @LongTermIssues a father is a man who is there for his child. Who loves and supports them. Who shows up at school things and tucks in at bedtime. Who knows what they like and how to make them laugh.

Just being a biological parent doesn't entitle them to anything. Trust your own feelings here, this is about what you want not what he wants.

Send one of these.

I never send one to my mother, last time I saw her was a year ago at a funeral, before that I don’t have a clue when it was. Don’t think she’s had one since I made one at primary school.

Oh and to add , he’s a self-confessed sociopath (his words, not mine) in that emotions do not feature in his psyche whatsoever. Literally he’s an emotionless person.

Have no idea why you’d bother. Just ignore it. And him.

I stopped sending mine cards and went no contact. It’s been a complete liberation.

Seriously, if you can’t just not bother - I think counselling would be a good idea.

That’s totally how I feel too, like trying to create some kind of harmonious relationship even though he wouldn’t care.

That’s what my in laws always say, you get what you give referring to parenting and yeah funnily enough we are happy spending loads of time with them because they openly love us and care for us.

on the reverse, I find it really hard to spend time with either of my parents because they haven’t put the effort in themselves

I see literally no value in this kind of behaviour. The facade is of no value - it’s not harmonious if underneath is resentment and years of poor care and detachment.

I don’t have anyone in my life who I don’t care about and vice versa.

Does he make an effort on your Birthday or send cards to your children?
If he did I'd probably send one.
My own father doesn't send me or my children a card. He's gone years without bothering with me at all and has only met my children about 4 times ( they are preteen). He will definitely NOT be getting one

I have an unfortunate history with parents as my mum died when I was a teen and my dad decided fatherhood wasn’t for him when my mum was pregnant and fucked off never to be seen again.

Over the years many people have told me to look for him. Of course I’m curious but the older I get and having had kids I know he must be the biggest kind of twat to abandon his child.

My PIL are beyond wonderful. We see them regularly, they love our boys, treat me like true family. I’d walk over hot coals for them. MIL has already told me if DH and I split up she wasn’t willing to forego her relationship with me and I feel the same.

Unsurprisingly they have raised two amazing men and my DH is a fantastic father.

Your dad isn’t worth the space he inhabits him your head.

I have never sent my df a card. He once asked why not and I said when he starts behaving like a df I wil send one.. Been nc for 20 years. Or get a Moonpig one to his specific negativities!!
Happy Father's Day You Miserable Twat...

He transfers £20 to my account for birthdays and Christmas and sends an email to inform me of this. Which I know I should be grateful for but it stinks of “I don’t know you at all and don’t want to put any thought into what you might like”

Oh gosh I’m so sorry, that’s so sad.

ive got the same relationship with my in laws, they’d do anything for us and I’d do anything for them in return because they’ve always shown me love and affection.

Oh good for you!! I’m not brave enough to do that I don’t think

Honestly, it’s ok - I’m well into my forties and thanks to a fantastic maternal family and a good helping of luck I’ve carved out a very nice life. But part of keeping it nice is keeping the vampires out.

Make peace with the reality of your relationship - let it go and give that time and energy to the good ones.

Yanbu. You say he doesn't show an interest in you or your children. I wouldn't send him anything.

My mum chucks about the same in my account. I’m nc with her and have been for years.
I used to send her a card cos well it’s what you are supposed to do isn’t it?
Then I stopped and felt relief.
The first couple of years she would send me cash I would send it back, only for her to resend it. In the end contacted her and Told her I don’t want the cash. Either keep it or it goes to charity. I’m no longer a child who she can buy off.

Never sent the waste of space dad anything. He didn’t even possess balls like she did to try and buy my attention as a child.

I keep people now in my life who are worthy enough, not simply because we happen to share some dna. I want to show my own children what healthy relationships are.

The thing is, he shows a brief interest when I initiate it ie I message to arrange for us to meet up or something but then there’s no follow up and I won’t see or hear from him in months. Like he’s only met my baby (who is now 4 months old) once FFS