To not know what order is best for my life/age gap help?

[NCed4Help]

So, I have one DD who is nearly 2.
I start an access course to retrain, this September. And then plan on doing the 3 year part time masters after this year.

I will be in study (part time) and working condensed hours, from Sept 22, to summer 2026 (4 year study)

If I hadn't planned to retrain my ideal age gap was 3 years.

I'm just in a bit of a spin about how things seem to be clashing and life is feeling a bit out of control with how retraining is throwing a spanner in the works.

I would potentially be looking at an age gap of 5/6 years! I would be about 34

What would you do?

I don't think 5/6 year age gap is huge and you'll also only be early 30s. I had a larger age gap than that, and my second was born just before I turned 36. It's all worked out just fine. Having worked FT whilst studying for a MSc part time myself, I wouldn't have liked to have thrown a pregnancy and second baby into that incredibly stressful mix! But you have to do what's right for you, of course.

I would crack on and have a second child. 5-6 years is too big an age gap for me.

Also OP, remember the bigger the age gap, the more "helpful" the older child is! My eldest is great with their younger sibling and can help me when I really need it, plus bonus - there's no sibling fighting because they're too far apart in age so have very different interests.

5-6yrs would be too big a gap for me. There's exactly 3yrs between mine and that's perfect.

I had my DD half way through my 2nd year at University (also working full time condensed hours). I just took a maternity leave/year out and started where I left off with the next year group. Was quite nice to have the break tbh.

DS is now 4, DD is 16mths. I restarted in January and just about to finish my second year.

I have a 3 year age gap between my two. We are now looking to have no.3 and it will be a 10 & 7 year gap if we manage to have a no.3 born next year. I don't think 5/6 years is too big at all.

I have 6 year gap not by choice. Now 5 & 11.

Advantages, are mainly financial, one set of nursery fees, hopefully DC1 will be through Uni before DC2 starts. Time at the baby stage.

Disadvantages, never at the same stage, only two years in primary together, never really doing things together, toys seem to kick around the house for ever, between oldest getting them, and youngest out growing them.

Honestly I'd have your second child then go for your course.

I would consider trying to conceive from around November so the baby is born next Aug/Sept time and postpone the masters by a year. If you haven't conceived by a certain point, you might have to decide whether to continue trying or pause.

I've got 6 years between mine and for the most part it has been good. In your situation though I'd do as a pp said and go for baby between access course and masters. Or postpone the access course and have a baby first. Completing your masters for a new career and then not being able to actually start that career due to mat leave seems a bit daft to me.

I wanted 2 years and ended up with 4 - don't put things on hold it may take you 5 months to conceive when you start or 5 years and all of a sudden your not 34 anymore but 40

Thank you all.

I am torn. Mainly because I don't know if I have it in me to do a Masters later in life. But I know I could manage a baby a bit later.

Part of me considered as one poster said, getting pregnant part way through. So perhaps doing: Access course (one year), Year 1 and 2, then getting pregnant. And deciding if I wanted to continue for Year 3 of the masters (which is mainly distance learning and dissertation) or take a break.

I couldn't get pregnant sooner (for example during year 1/2) and do my masters as it involves placement and that will be too much with a newborn.

Really whatever the age gap between your children will just be what it is for your family. Other posters saying it's too much for them - that's not your circumstances or family. It'll be just fine.

My DP really wanted 2 under 2. Covid led to redundancy so that wasn't an option, we're now expecting baby 2 with nearly a 4 year gap. And actually that's just how it's worked out for our family, and it'll be fine.

I know what you mean about not necessarily having it in you to do the retraining later. You don't have to decide now. You might want to have a break after masters year 2, or you might want to power on to the end and be pregnant while you do the distance learning and dissertation bit.

I did an access course and 4 years of uni when mine 2. I had my second baby last year with a 7 year age gap. It’s lovely. I would not dream of having a baby AND a toddler while studying, it’s so hard.

I had 6 years between my 2nd and 3rd - and 18 months between babies 1 and 2! There are advantages and disadvantages to the age gaps. Having 2 close together made holidays and activities easy, and although it was full-on we could just dwell in toddler stage (although I was working FT). Whereas the 6 year gap made it so much easier to look after baby 3, and her older brothers are so helpful and there’s none of the toddler jealousy etc at play as they’re that much more independent and at school (so mat leave school term was really nice - whereas with the older 2 it was really full-on with them both).

so in your situation I personally would think about the career implications of the timing as you’ve got a great opportunity, and what bits are easier or harder with a 2nd kid. Baby 3 for me was a late surprise for us when I was 44 at a point in my career when I was just about getting ready to really accelerate my career with my other 2 in school and really go for the biggest most senior roles, and it’s been hard to keep my career on track. So my question for you would be whether, if you had 2 children, your studying would then be that much harder to manage? Versus: if you study now and then have your second child, would you then find it harder to get into the work area with 2 children needing childcare? Or would it enable you to (for example) find a new job and establish yourself a bit before having the 2nd child meaning you’ll get maternity pay etc? Good luck with it all - there’s no right answer.

DD2 is 5 years younger than her sister.

Don't get me wrong it does have it's challenges, but it also has benefits.

DD1 is just finding her feet as a teenager in terms of independence, solo public transport travel etc and it's actually easier to be able to explain to her younger sister that she's too young to tag along whereas I know families with smaller age gaps where this is a massive bone of contention because the younger sibling sees themselves as being pretty much equal in terms of ability and family rules.

We're also finding that small life lessons are being passed down too. I wasn't the one who taught DD2 how to make sandwiches, that was her sister during lockdown and big sister is helping the younger one navigate some of the new friendship challenges in yr 4 because she remembers quite clearly what that was like whereas I'm not even sure who my teacher was in yr4!

Do what's right in the bigger picture. Whatever the age gap is you can make it work, but I would be mindful that trying to juggle thing with a baby is 100% more tricky than an older child because you can't predict how they'll sleep etc.

Personally I'd wait for your retraining to be almost done and start TTC to link up with the end of your retraining being finished at the earliest.

@PashunFroot Can I ask how old you were when you had your second child? I'm scared that I'll be too tired. I'm doing all I can now to get as fit as poss and shift a stone and half to get more energy for studying and for DD.

I know that if I delay studying to have a second there's a strong chance I'll become disillusioned with life and my career as when I returned from Mat leave I was already antsy. I want to move out and up, I want to earn more.

I was 27.

Im now in the similar position where I want to return to uni for a two year masters, but also kind of want a other baby. After my masters I will be 31 and for me that will be older than I’d like (due to having first so young, not because I think 31 is old!)

@Secondsop In reality the way I planned to do it is,job while I study. Have baby 2 in this job, get my Mat pay and return to work for 6-12 months while searching for a new job.

There is no progression in my job but there are other perks such as WFH, term time only, flexible working. Low stress.

@PashunFroot ahhhh, okay. Yes whilst it's not old I don't feel young (29) and wonder if I'll feel 'old' by the time I end up with second child around 33/34

Most first time mothers are early to mid 30s these days, OP.

Yes, you’d be on the younger end these days at 33/34 for a second child. I had all 3 of mine after age 38 and I’m not unusual at all amongst my friends.

First time mother is different though.

Oh I absolutely get that the age for first time mums is getting older, I'm just feeling like I've not done what I planned to do in life as i thought I would be done with having kids by 30/31 so I'm feeling like I've gone off path (struggle with change and change of plans, that's my own issue)

Ok. But pretty much anybody who is organised to have plans for their life accepts that it hardly ever works out how they envisaged. Life throws curved balls. A rigid plan is actually a millstone around your neck.

There is a reason that most women are having kids in their mid-late 30s/ early 40s now and it is primarily because of wanting to establish finances and careers first. What you are doing makes perfect sense. I am just baffled why you think mid-late 30s would be "leaving it late" to have a child - a second child even! Most people don't even start until that kind of age. It's totally normal. All kinds of ages gaps are also normal.

And I'm autistic btw so I hate changes to plans in general! But while you can control a lot of that in day to day life, that does not work at all when it comes to careers, relationships, kids, families. All you can do is make the best decisions you can at the time. You cannot control much of this. So think how the studying/ juggling would work best for you (as much as you can know) then do that. There is never a perfect time for anything, we all just muddle along.

@TheGirlOnTheDragon Absolutely it is a mill stone around my neck! I have been working hard to shake the need for routine and imposing this on people.
(I have a thread on ND MNetters as I'm pursuing a potential diagnosis of autism)

I think it's just residual panic from deviating from a plan, I know it's sensible to do the Masters first and to wait until I've established my route into a better paid career but I have just feelings of panic.

Maybe because my 'mask' is slipping with every year and I don't yet know how to deal with me as I am without the pretence. Who knows 🤷🏾‍♀️