To say no to being free childcare to this CF of a man

[thenewduchessoflapland]

DD's friend who she met at secondary school has ADHD;she's a lovely girl but quite full on;her younger sister has ASD.

Having two kids with additional needs is full on and hard;I completely understand;I have 2 children with ASD myself;one is in the middle of her GCSES and is abit stressed at the moment which has aggravated her mood slightly and my youngest has a very high level of needs;when not at school he's either with me or another family member and at school he's with a full time carer.

My DD mentioned at the start of this post also has a chronic health condition.I also have a forth child.I have my hands full.

DH is working away this weekend so I'm on my own this weekend.

DD asked if her friend could stay over last night but I wasn't keen;my DD has really campaigned for her friend to stay and then went and asked my DH instead of me (abit naughty I know) --knowing dad is a pushover and probably doesn't care as he's not here right now.

I've consoled myself with the fact the two girls have a joint activity that take themselves to on the bus on a Saturday morning;I figured the friend would go gone afterwards but no said friend came back with DD and is still here.Apparently mum will collect en route home from work about 7ish.

This has happened before with DD's friend coming here after the morning activity and staying until mum collects enroute home from work.

Anyway the friend has let something slip to my two DD's which my older DD told me earlier that has saddened me but at the same time left me fuming.

DD's friends mum had to work really late night and was on shift early today;something to do with staff training;DD's friends dad apparently refuses to look after both his children with additional needs when his wife works late like last night or Saturdays.

Apparently he can't cope alone with both and is very shouty.

So it looks as though I'm providing free childcare for DD's friends parents.I feel taken advantage of and that's it wholly unacceptable knowing I have 3 children with various needs of their own.

Why should I provide childcare for a man who doesn't want to look after both of his children on his own;it's obviously fine for his wife to do do or for someone else to do it but not him.

I will be saying no in future to DD's friend coming over as I'm not an unpaid babysitting service.

That is very cheeky. You are coping with four of your own plus an additional one when he can't look after his own two. That said, if the friend is no bother and is good company for your DD it would be a shame to never have her over just because of this. Just be firmer with your boundaries and make it clear when she is to be going home.

Jesus, I can't believe the nerve of some people, stick to your guns OP, as you said, you're not their unpaid babysitting service, you don't owe them anything.

I would be having words with my H, if I were you.

DH needs to know that you have a veto on sleepovers, especially if he is away.

DD needs to know that the answer may be "not this weekend", especially if dad is away or somebody else in the family has something like GCSEs to contend with.

On the plus side, perhaps you can get a quieter weekend another time by suggesting the next sleepover is at friend's house.

Definitely not. Or you can say it's his turn to have all the kids overnight for a bit.

You need to make it 100% clear to your dd what you will and won’t accept. Lay it on the line to her then if she asks again tell her, no and explain you are not doing it again, end of conversation.

Also have a word with your dh, I would not tolerate this. Better still make sure the next sleepover is when you are away and leave your dh alone to cope.

Tell them you are going out next time so please don’t send the DD round, we will invite her for a play date another time.

There are lots of CFs in the world. Your problem is your DH, who volunteered your services without consulting you. Make it clear to him that if he does this again, he will either be babysitting himself or phoning the parent to cancel if he can't do it.

Maybe if you look at it the other way: you're helping out a woman who has it really tough with an arse of a husband?

I would not be happy with DH about saying yes to this. He doesn't get to say to something he's not going to be around for. Unless he'd be happy for you to start volunteering him for things too.

Agree with you OP but I’d also have to say something to the girls mum and make it clear for the future that the invitation does not extend for the following day.
Who does that? I assume you’ve had to feed her lunch and dinner as well?
They sound beyond CFers.

I think the dad isn't the only one taking the piss here.

I would be very annoyed with your husband agreeing to a sleep over when he's not even there. Don't most parents get in the habit of asking children if they've asked the other parent and what answer they were given? I think you need to discuss it with your husband so that your daughter doesn't get into the habit of thinking she can ask the other parent if the first one doesn't give her the answer she wants.

The friends Dad is possibly being a CF. Whilst it's nice for your DD to have company you may run into problemd if it's assumed the friend spends Saturday afternoon, you make family plans and there is no one to collect her so you either have to cancel plans or take her with you.

I think it's worth considering that it may not be the father but the friend who is making this decision and the stressed out Dad is not objecting because it's convenient. I wonder if she would rather not be at home with him if he is "shouty".

Maybe if you look at it the other way: you're helping out a woman who has it really tough with an arse of a husband?

Well ‘helping out’ comes with a request and a thank you! Seriously it’s not just your DD, DD friends parents it’s also your DH who doesn’t value your time or effort - and in turn assume you don’t either! Say no and mean no!

The OP'S husband also did an arsey thing by agreeing to a sleepover that he was absent for...

The dad is very unreasonable to not look after his own children and be pushing his DD on others.

It isn’t your job to provide childcare especially when your plate is as full as it is.

you husband shouldn’t be a wet blanket either and your word should stand.

I will say though I was the child from the uhh complicated household and I am forever grateful and will always remember my friends parents who provided me with a place to hide out and a hot meal.

I would take a break from having daughters friend over. Tell husband that you're not doing it for a few weeks, so not to accept. Just say no and see what happen. It's not nice being used.

Is it perhaps not so much he is expecting you to baby sit so much as the dd doesn't want to be there as he is "very shouty".
At 14yo I'd expect it to have at least partially come from the dd.

Both husband's in this scenario are CF's!
I would read my husband the riot act if he agreed to something I had already said no to, especially if he wasn't even going to be there.

@Brefugee

totally agree!

have a heart. - keep doing it OP and looking after his DD, help this woman out and help her to enable her husband to keep being a useless arse.

Don't get me wrong though - it is a shitty position to be in for OP.

If she’s not trouble I’d let her stay for the night but say she goes home after the activity. I wouldn’t have allowed this particular sleepover anyway though as your DD needs to no she can’t play you and your DH against each other like that. Your DD and DH have been as bad as this other couple here.

Exactly. The OP has more than enough on her plate without having to ease the burden of another woman just because the other woman happens to be married to a useless man.

I'm pretty fed up of women being groomed to think being a doormat is a virtue, it's not, it's a recipe for exhaustion and resentment.

Did your DH know you'd already said no to DD? If so I would also be having words with him.

I would also be talking to your DD about not going behind your back when you've already given an answer. Personally, I'd still have told her the friend wasn't coming even though her Dad had said yes. Having to tell her friend that the sleepover was off would be a consequence of that.

YANBU that's extremely cheeky from the friend's parents. You already have your hands full but even if you didn't have other kids and didn't have much on, it still shouldn't have been expected of you. They should have asked if they needed help and accepted no as an answer

Or look at it that the daughter is trying to stay out of her dads way.
Your biggest issue is your own dh agreeing without even asking you.