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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to being free childcare to this CF of a man

36 replies

thenewduchessoflapland · 18/06/2022 18:28

DD's friend who she met at secondary school has ADHD;she's a lovely girl but quite full on;her younger sister has ASD.

Having two kids with additional needs is full on and hard;I completely understand;I have 2 children with ASD myself;one is in the middle of her GCSES and is abit stressed at the moment which has aggravated her mood slightly and my youngest has a very high level of needs;when not at school he's either with me or another family member and at school he's with a full time carer.

My DD mentioned at the start of this post also has a chronic health condition.I also have a forth child.I have my hands full.

DH is working away this weekend so I'm on my own this weekend.

DD asked if her friend could stay over last night but I wasn't keen;my DD has really campaigned for her friend to stay and then went and asked my DH instead of me (abit naughty I know) --knowing dad is a pushover and probably doesn't care as he's not here right now.

I've consoled myself with the fact the two girls have a joint activity that take themselves to on the bus on a Saturday morning;I figured the friend would go gone afterwards but no said friend came back with DD and is still here.Apparently mum will collect en route home from work about 7ish.

This has happened before with DD's friend coming here after the morning activity and staying until mum collects enroute home from work.

Anyway the friend has let something slip to my two DD's which my older DD told me earlier that has saddened me but at the same time left me fuming.

DD's friends mum had to work really late night and was on shift early today;something to do with staff training;DD's friends dad apparently refuses to look after both his children with additional needs when his wife works late like last night or Saturdays.

Apparently he can't cope alone with both and is very shouty.

So it looks as though I'm providing free childcare for DD's friends parents.I feel taken advantage of and that's it wholly unacceptable knowing I have 3 children with various needs of their own.

Why should I provide childcare for a man who doesn't want to look after both of his children on his own;it's obviously fine for his wife to do do or for someone else to do it but not him.

I will be saying no in future to DD's friend coming over as I'm not an unpaid babysitting service.

OP posts:
thenewduchessoflapland · 18/06/2022 19:58

It's 8pm and the friend has just been picked up.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 18/06/2022 20:05

I’d be really pissed off with your DH-this wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for him, you had said no!

CF will always chance their arms, but if your DH says yes, you’re stuck!

ElegantlyTouched · 18/06/2022 20:19

Did you say anything to her mother?

WishILivedInThrushGreen · 18/06/2022 20:41

Maybe it's too late for now but a stern 'no' needs to happen from now on.

CF territory.

Pinklady245612 · 18/06/2022 20:43

The kid is in secondary school, is there that much 'babysitting' to do?

Inertia · 18/06/2022 20:52

Your husband was out of order. If he’s not going to be in the house to help, he doesn’t get to decide which activities happen.

Mumdiva99 · 18/06/2022 21:01

They are 14. They are old enough and capable enough to get a bus into town together. How much babysitting are you doing?

Sorry I don't understand your dilemma.

1FootInTheRave · 18/06/2022 21:12

Tbh I think your dd needs to be told. Going to the other parent when one has said no is out of order.

Purplespup16 · 18/06/2022 21:24

As soon as I read the bit about the Dad being shouty I wondered if this is a case of the friend trying to escape a seriously stressful situation rather than the parents looking for free childcare? Perhaps your DD has heard stories from said friend of what life is like for her at home when her mum is at work and wants to support/help her friend by having her over.

I have a child the same age and no way would I be thinking she needed baby sitting. More like… Friend A wants me to sleep over and go to X activity. Her parents are totally ok with it just come get me when you finish work! I seriously suspect some ‘manipulation’ of her parents as well as you for escape purposes.

SlatsandFlaps · 18/06/2022 22:49

lanthanum · 18/06/2022 18:43

DH needs to know that you have a veto on sleepovers, especially if he is away.

DD needs to know that the answer may be "not this weekend", especially if dad is away or somebody else in the family has something like GCSEs to contend with.

On the plus side, perhaps you can get a quieter weekend another time by suggesting the next sleepover is at friend's house.

You would send your child to the home where you already know there is a shouty Dad living there? One who struggles to cope? I would imagine he's still shouty even when the mother is there

YetAnotherNameChange111 · 18/06/2022 22:57

The only person in this whole scenario that I would blame - is your husband. What a wet blanket of a man, wimpily just say yes to your DD.

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