Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend always brings up my ex..

36 replies

Daisyflo777 · 18/06/2022 15:48

Whenever I see my friend (usually a few times a month) she will always find a way to bring up my ex and I just can’t quite understand why (or why it irritates me tbh). We’ve been split up over 5 years, I’m happily engaged with a baby and a very loving & supportive partner (total opposite to my ex!) & truly am now glad my life took a total different path.

My best friends husband is good friends with my ex so still in same friendship group circle (which I no longer socialise in) so she sees him & his GF a few times a year at weddings etc.

I’ve noticed that every time I see her she will find a way to bring him up.. how well his business is doing.. how lovely his GF is.. how close he is with his family now.. how he is a nicer person now etc. I’ll always just smile and say “That’s nice” or “good for him” and move the conversation on but I just can’t really get my head around why!? It was a bad break up, he broke my heart & moved on (still same GF) VERY quickly.. there’s no love lost and I have no interest in his life or him but I also have no desire to hear about how “fabulous” he is these days either.. especially from one of my best friends!

AIBU to just next time shut it down and say quite black and white that I just don’t have any interest or desire to hear about his life?

OP posts:
Onesipmore · 18/06/2022 15:51

Have you asked why she keeps bringing him up? Or perhaps next time she does just say with the greatest respect we finished 5 east ago Im not really interested?

tobi21 · 18/06/2022 15:55

sounds like she has a bit of a soft spot for him and very invested in his life

SpookyMargot · 18/06/2022 15:55

Sounds like she's saying it to hurt you. That's the only logical reason for mentioning him in such glowing terms to you.

SavoirFlair · 18/06/2022 16:02

You mentioned she says "how lovely his GF is".

I don't want to be that poster, but I really think this isn't good friendship.

If it was a bad break up, he moved on quickly and the new object of affection is current GF... then this isn't something that should in theory be spoken about lightly and casually by a friend. If it was me, I would be very mindful of this.

I agree with @SpookyMargot I think she may be saying this to get a reaction. And this is again, not good friendship.

aSofaNearYou · 18/06/2022 16:02

Yes you should definitely shut it down.

elzober · 18/06/2022 16:04

Doesn't sound like much of a friend if she does that.

Tiani4 · 18/06/2022 16:10

"Friend why do you mention Bertie my ex every time you see me? He's so long ago in my past and we've no interest in him. Can you please stop as it's weird. We've far more interesting things to chat about!"

Beat if you say it neutrally and nip any further discussion in the bud.. (With a "it's boring, let's all change topic to one we're all interested in..!")

DoubleGauze · 18/06/2022 16:15

I had a friend like this years ago. She would always bring up the past (things and people she knew I'd rather forget) , and I came to the conclusion that she had issues moving on herself so assumed that I wanted to talk about these people some more. We don't speak anymore , but for reasons unrelated to this.

BornIn78 · 18/06/2022 16:16

I think after this long I’d have exploded by now.

Next time look at her and say “I don’t know if you’re aware that you do it, but you seem to deliberately bring up Ex in conversation every time I see you… I really, and I cannot stress this enough, couldn’t give a shit about him, his life, his girlfriend to anything else to do with him. Please stop”.

dontgobaconmyheart · 18/06/2022 16:17

It does quite deliberate of her to be honest, as though she is trying to provoke hurt or get a reaction out of you. Difficult to say why she might feel inclined to do that without knowing her; perhaps she takes 'his' side in the matter, perhaps she fancies him a bit, perhaps she is jealous of you for some reason and wants to prove that you aren't really happy (recently engaged, new baby, lovely partner) ormaybe she just lacks social skills..

I would certainly say something. eg - you bring up 'ex' an awful lot - I'm glad he's doing well but he's not a part of my life and i'm not overly interested in hearing about him, it was years ago and all turned out for the best. Then change the subject to your upcoming wedding, lovely partner/baby or current events.

HSKAT · 18/06/2022 16:17

Yep you need to shut it down.
I don't understand why she keeps bringing it up though, it's as if she wants you to be bothered she still sees him and his gf

Original poster
Daisyflo777 · 18/06/2022 16:20

Thank you all so much for the comments. Just wanted to make sure I wasn’t being overly sensitive. A few other people I’ve mentioned it to IRL have said very similar to posts on here. I will shut it down next time and say that I just have no interest in wasting the short periods of time we have together talking about he who shall not be named 😂

OP posts:
ValerieDoonican · 18/06/2022 16:28

Mmm glad you are going to shut it down. I wonder if she enjoys"feeding off the drama" - without necessarily even knowing that she's doing it. If so, as well to be as cool as possible "puzzled" more than "annoyed" - and if she tries to "make something of it" to get a drama hit, maybe hint that it makes her look like she has a bit of a thing about him, and its a bit odd.

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 18/06/2022 16:28

I'd ask her why she is so hung up on him and does she secretly fancy him?
Tbh she's probably doing it to annoy you but that should shut her up

MrsMo21 · 18/06/2022 16:41

I read this quote the other day and it really resonated…people will always bring up the old person or version of yourself that they had the most power over.

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/06/2022 16:51

Are you sure this is a friendship?? Or just a random woman you could drop?

Anyway if it's the former just tell her to cut it out. \

ValerieDoonican · 18/06/2022 16:52

Ooh MrsMo that's insightful! I think that might have been what I was grasping towards (and missing) with my earlier post?

Original poster
Daisyflo777 · 18/06/2022 16:58

@MrsMo21 Wow that is insightful thank you!

She is a good friend but I think dynamics of our friendship have changed slightly since me and ex split 5.5 years ago as we always did stuff as a 4 previously as we all lived a few roads apart, her husband is a manchild who wouldn’t socialise with me and my fiancé as he sees it as disloyal to his friend (my ex).. Yes even though we met and got together way after me and ex split (and tbh that’s fine as he’s not my favourite person to spend time with!). I do also think we’ve gone from similar relationships (no children, pretty useless partners etc) to now I have a baby and a partner who actually wants to spend time together so I imagine I’m probably not around as much as I used to be but I do try to be conscious of that and still make time for me&her.

OP posts:
ElenaSt · 18/06/2022 17:08

'That's nice for him but I'm not remotely interested in him or what he's up to! Why do you always mention him?'

MrsMo21 · 18/06/2022 17:16

@Daisyflo777 it hit the nail on the head the other day for me too. I had a friend just like you described - she’d always bring up my exH and things that we did/he did/I did when we were together. I’m married to someone new (whose a dream) with two kids and her life wasn’t in the same place as mine anymore. I figured in the end she did it because she felt jealous/threatened/undermined by my ‘new’ life and wanted to take me back to being someone and somewhere I had grown from and left behind.
We’re not friends anymore. I really hope your friend is able to figure her shit out before you have to move on from her. You deserve better from a friendship tbh.

whyohehy · 18/06/2022 17:26

Hmmmm this is interesting as I had this exact same situation. My best friend married his brother and kept bringing up my ex with me even though I had moved on (having had my heart broken too and he'd moved on fast as well). I eventually exploded at her and she then stopped. I don't know why she was doing it as she's not a hurtful person. She just said he asks about me all the time but I still couldn't see that as a good reason to mention him all the time. The fact that he always asks about me is just him being nosey.

Maves · 18/06/2022 17:26

She's a frenemy she's trying to be a bitch and make you jealous. Not nice

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 18/06/2022 17:34

ValerieDoonican · 18/06/2022 16:28

Mmm glad you are going to shut it down. I wonder if she enjoys"feeding off the drama" - without necessarily even knowing that she's doing it. If so, as well to be as cool as possible "puzzled" more than "annoyed" - and if she tries to "make something of it" to get a drama hit, maybe hint that it makes her look like she has a bit of a thing about him, and its a bit odd.

Yep, she’s definitely in it for the drama. She’s hoping that when she praises the girlfriend, for example, you’ll get mad about how quickly she moved in after your ex ended things. A pretty shitty way for a friend to behave.

Looking back now, an ex-friend of mine used to do this. He took great delight once in telling me he’d seen my ‘nemesis’ in town - in reality, just a woman we both knew who’d once been after the same man as me on a night out. I hadn’t given it another thought afterwards, but he wanted it to be a whole to-do. One of many reasons I’m happier without him in my life.

FlippityFlapperty · 18/06/2022 17:38

Instead of making this about you not wanting to hear about him (because that should be bloody obvious to her when he’s an ex from five years ago) I’d actually turn it on her and ask her why she continually finds a way to bring up your ex from years ago every time you meet up. Does she fancy him? Is there a reason you don’t know about which explains why she is so invested in his life? Why does she imagine you would care? Is she trying to provoke some upset feelings in you? I expect that will shut her up.

honeylulu · 18/06/2022 17:55

It sounds like she is harking back to what she sees as a golden time where her social life involved spending time regularly as a foursome and deep down she's still annoyed that that came to an end. The tales of your ex's wonderful life seem to be a sort of rebuke - could that be it?