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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disappointed in DM

31 replies

TooMuchOfSomething · 18/06/2022 12:57

Genuinely unsure if I'm feeling unreasonably disappointed.

So DM and I have had a troubled relationship, but on good terms the past 5 years. She has BPD so she can be difficult sometimes.

I'll try and be short - I used to be very overweight/unfit but now totally changed my lifestyle around. I ran my 1st half marathon recently, and though I didn't expect anyone to come, it would have been amazing to see a friendly face at the end. She said she would have come to see me at the finish, but rain was forecast.

This morning I was running my 50th parkrun, huge, huge milestone for me. My husband works weekends and I don't have many friends so I'm always by myself, I mentioned to mum about the milestone and that it'd be great if she wanted to come during the last 5 mins to see me finish, then we could grab a coffee and walk around the park.

She didn't come.

Instead of feeling happy with my achievement I'm feeling a bit dejected and sorry for myself.

Am I being ridiculous? I'm 35 not 5, surely I don't need anyone, right? Ready for my flaming!

OP posts:
LittleMG · 18/06/2022 13:01

I think you need to except she’s like that she’s not necessarily being funny with you but just not the person you want her to be. I think as you get older you see your parents differently. But massive congratulations to you for your achievements I really wish I had that determination (just had a baby and put on 3 stone 😩) you’ve done amazingly well and you should t let this take anything away from your achievement.

OompaLoompaa · 18/06/2022 13:05

Congratulations on your fitness journey, I don’t really see the link between your personal journey and your mum. Try and enjoy how far you’ve come.

TarasHarp55 · 18/06/2022 13:05

Disappointing but I think she probably doesn't realise how hurtful it was for you. Some people are just too self absorbed to ever consider others feelings. But well done to you.

RhiWrites · 18/06/2022 13:07

You’re not unreasonable to want someone to celebrate your accomplishments with. That’s very human. But it sounds as though your mum just isn’t very supportive. Maybe you do need to make more friends?

picklemewalnuts · 18/06/2022 13:09

That's an amazing achievement! Well done.

You'll be happier if you let go of your hopes of that kind of recognition from your mum. On the odd occasion when it happens you'll be thrilled, instead of disappointed all the times you feel let down.

For whatever reason, she doesn't see the connection between you doing something amazing, and her being there to witness it. It's possible she is uninterested in the activity- running- so can't imagine why she'd watch you run. It's possible she doesn't 'see' the achievement. She may just not understand that relationships include supporting each other and celebrating wins.

She has BPD- and there's probably a reason she developed it. She may have had poor relationships around her so hasn't learned what good ones look like.

You've done incredibly well despite her disinterest and the difficulties in your relationship. Don't let her continuing to be a suboptimal mum interfere with you continuing to smash it! Well done!

ApolloandDaphne · 18/06/2022 13:09

She probably just doesn't think watching someone else finish a run would be very much fun. I am not sure I would be particularly interested in doing this either as I have no interest in running and probably don't really get what the big deal is. Just be pleased for yourself with your achievements as you are the one who has put in all the work.

OompaLoompaa · 18/06/2022 13:09

How about joining a running club, you may make friends and could do events together and support each other?

PaddleBoardingMomma · 18/06/2022 13:11

WELL DONE! Huge achievements and what a milestone, be proud of yourself because losing weight, keeping it off AND improving your fitness so massively is a really big thing, you've done amazingly. And personally, I don't think you are being unreasonable, I can't think of anything that would keep me away from showing my love and pride for a daughter who has come so far.

MintJulia · 18/06/2022 13:13

Five years ago, would you have turned out at 9am at the weekend, just to watch someone cross a finish line? Does she work all week?

A running club sounds like a good idea.

But well done on running. You're way ahead of me 😊

Turnthatoff · 18/06/2022 13:14

Well done. If you were my daughter I’d have come to both occasions. She should have.

rookiemere · 18/06/2022 13:22

Well done on your 50th parkrun! It's such a sense of achievement- I hope you still get the red tshirt for it.

I think YABABU . It doesn't sound like fitness features much in your DMs life, and other than fellow parkrunners I'm not sure everyone gets the milestone significance.

JimmyShoo · 18/06/2022 13:29

Well done. The vast majority of non runners don’t understand running. Join a running club, they will celebrate your successes with you. There are online ones who arrange meets if you don’t want to join local ones. Have a look on Facebook at Fordy runs running club as an example. (hope it’s okay to mention a name, it’s a free supportive community of runners).

Original poster
TooMuchOfSomething · 18/06/2022 13:39

Turnthatoff · 18/06/2022 13:14

Well done. If you were my daughter I’d have come to both occasions. She should have.

Thank you. 😥

I feel as though if I had a daughter, nothing would keep me from supporting her.

But DM has always, and I guess will always, do what suits her. That's what hurts.

To answer PP - she's retired, she doesn't work. She said she'd see how she felt and if she fancied it on the day so she obviously didn't. :(

Thank you very much for the replies, I definitely do need to work on my expectations, I feel stupid for just wanting mum there.

Someone else was doing their 50th too and they had about a dozen friends/family at the finish with balloons, whooping and cheering, so this highlighted it which is daft, I shouldn't compare. Or I could have pretended in my head that it was for me!

I won't mention any other races/events to her again, that way I can't feel sad she's not come.

OP posts:
SlatsandFlaps · 18/06/2022 13:46

My mum is exactly the same OP. I feel your pain

ToysRMine · 18/06/2022 13:49

My Mum would have been the same because it’s ‘just running’ and it doesn’t interest her.

Discovereads · 18/06/2022 13:53

hey congratulations on changing your whole life habits , that’s not an easy thing to do at all.

Only one thing I can think of is perhaps your communication with her is a bit too read between the lines?

I mentioned to mum about the milestone and that it'd be great if she wanted to come during the last 5 mins to see me finish, then we could grab a coffee and walk around the park. She didn't come.

Did you word it like that ? “It’d be great if she wanted to come”? I feel like perhaps you are beating around the bush a bit. If I wanted my DM there, I’d be more upfront and say “I’d really love it if you could come” or similar, saying essentially come if you want to is a very casual invitation and implies you don’t really care if she comes or not.

Maybe try being more direct about something you want her to do being something you want.

Spanglemum · 18/06/2022 13:53

Do you mean Bipolar or Borderline PD? 50 parkruns is great. Did you get a shout out? Do any of them ever go for coffee after? I've met some new people through park run. Keep it up.

sammysal · 18/06/2022 13:54

If it makes you feel better I would add the dozen friends cheering with balloons is probably excessive and not many people have that presumably?!

KatherineJaneway · 18/06/2022 13:54

I mentioned to mum about the milestone and that it'd be great if she wanted to come during the last 5 mins to see me finish

Sounds like you need to ask, not hope.

MrsHaroldRobbins · 18/06/2022 13:56

I understand your feelings, OP, as my mother is the same! As I've got older, I have accepted her for who she is and have learned not to expect anything from her which insulates me a bit from the hurt. I just get on with my own life and try to ensure that my daughter never feels that rejection from me. Well done on your fitness achievements!

Herejustforthisone · 18/06/2022 14:11

But DM has always, and I guess will always, do what suits her. That's what hurts.

I think this is the crux. You desperately want her to be this lovely, warm, supportive mother, but you know she isn’t, has never been, and will never be. It’s hard to accept that but I suspect it’s why you feel sad. Because you still have hope…

Original poster
TooMuchOfSomething · 18/06/2022 14:13

Discovereads · 18/06/2022 13:53

hey congratulations on changing your whole life habits , that’s not an easy thing to do at all.

Only one thing I can think of is perhaps your communication with her is a bit too read between the lines?

I mentioned to mum about the milestone and that it'd be great if she wanted to come during the last 5 mins to see me finish, then we could grab a coffee and walk around the park. She didn't come.

Did you word it like that ? “It’d be great if she wanted to come”? I feel like perhaps you are beating around the bush a bit. If I wanted my DM there, I’d be more upfront and say “I’d really love it if you could come” or similar, saying essentially come if you want to is a very casual invitation and implies you don’t really care if she comes or not.

Maybe try being more direct about something you want her to do being something you want.

I said to her it'll be my 50th Parkrun and would she like to come and watch me finish so she'd be there for 5 mins (rather than hang around for 25/30 mins from the start!) and I'd treat us to a couple of coffees after, we could enjoy a nice half hour or so coffee & chat, as I wanted to do something to celebrate. I said it would mean a lot, as I've done 49 alone and seeing her smiling and cheering would be amazing. She said she'd see how she felt. :(

I don't think I could have been clearer but sometimes she can interpret things differently due to her BPD (borderline not bipolar, to answer PP).

Ah well. I can't feel upset about it all day! I'll enjoy a gin later to celebrate myself.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 18/06/2022 14:15

One of the most painful things about being a grown up is learning that your parents are not always how we want them to be.

She isnt the person you want her to be, but that is no judgement on you. It doesnt mean that she doesnt love you but that she doesnt value the same things that you do. She probably thought "Its only a run, whats the big deal?" whereas if it was an activity she does value then should be thinking "DD has knitted her 50th jumper, good for her!!".

People talk about love languages in romantic relationships but it is also a thing in familial relationships too. Does she show you that she loves you in other ways? If she does then maybe accept that she shows her love in a different way to how you would want but that she still shows her love and try to focus on that positive.

Original poster
TooMuchOfSomething · 18/06/2022 14:15

sammysal · 18/06/2022 13:54

If it makes you feel better I would add the dozen friends cheering with balloons is probably excessive and not many people have that presumably?!

I can't say I've noticed quite that level of cheering-on before so you're probably right! I should have asked them if they fancied adopting me.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 18/06/2022 14:16

You've made a huge drastic change in your life with your weight and fitness. Its possible your mother can't cope with that.
YANBU to feel disappointed, but you would be unreasonable to continue to have any expectations of her. Work out a way to forgive her for not being the mother you would have liked, and how to move forwards.
As long as you continue to tie your expectations to this relationship, you'll affect your ability to make new friends. Its time to move forwards and focus on that.

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