Disappointed in DM

[TooMuchOfSomething]

Genuinely unsure if I'm feeling unreasonably disappointed.

So DM and I have had a troubled relationship, but on good terms the past 5 years. She has BPD so she can be difficult sometimes.

I'll try and be short - I used to be very overweight/unfit but now totally changed my lifestyle around. I ran my 1st half marathon recently, and though I didn't expect anyone to come, it would have been amazing to see a friendly face at the end. She said she would have come to see me at the finish, but rain was forecast.

This morning I was running my 50th parkrun, huge, huge milestone for me. My husband works weekends and I don't have many friends so I'm always by myself, I mentioned to mum about the milestone and that it'd be great if she wanted to come during the last 5 mins to see me finish, then we could grab a coffee and walk around the park.

She didn't come.

Instead of feeling happy with my achievement I'm feeling a bit dejected and sorry for myself.

Am I being ridiculous? I'm 35 not 5, surely I don't need anyone, right? Ready for my flaming!

Someone else was doing their 50th too and they had about a dozen friends/family at the finish with balloons, whooping and cheering, so this highlighted it which is daft, I shouldn't compare. Or I could have pretended in my head that it was for me!

I think this is a runner Vs non runner thing. The above seems absolutely insane to me. An entourage and balloons for... doing your hobby 50 times? I didn't think parkrun was even a particularly long distance? Although my level of interest for a fiftieth marathon would be equally zilch.

You have a hobby you enjoy, it's good for your health. Great! Why do you need anything else?

I think maybe you'd get more enjoyment from working on finding some friends with likeminded interests. Less focus on your DM if she's not capable of being there for you. Maybe join a running club, or try another sport where you'll meet people?

Well done you!! What an achievement!

Unfortunately she doesn't think the way other people do and sounds like she puts herself first. My mother is like this too and I'm working on trying to understand how she can be so self centred and not see how she hurts people and also reconcile myself to the fact she'll never be a "normal" mother who puts her child and grandchildren before herself no matter how small a gesture it would be.

Take care and well done again

I think you need to accept she can't be what you'd like her to be. My DD has BPD and life is very difficult for her at times. I know you think your DM should/could make more effort with you, but I think you need to accept she is mentally ill and probably isn't capable of supporting someone else. She said she'd 'see how she felt'.

I'm not trying to suggest everyone with BPD is the same, everyone is individual - but many MH conditions often make people incredibly selfish as they often have to prioritise their own need that day over other people's wishes. We can never rely on DD to do the things she says she will as it is utterly dependent on her mood that day and how she can cope. She'll tell us how excited she is for her sister's wedding, for example. That doesn't mean she'll make it.

Well done, these are both fantastic achievements. I’m sorry your mum is not the person you want or need, that is incredibly difficult to live with. But, you are clearly brilliant, I’m sure if you look you will find more people who are in your corner. Have you made any friends through parkrun? Try having a chat, asking if there is a place for coffee after etc?

Congratulations on your park run achievements. Its a huge thing and I understand that you’d want to celebrate with your mum. I do feel your pain. My folks are the same. I’ve realised they won’t change. It still hurts but a bit less as the expectations are not there anymore.