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Original poster

To be deeply annoyed & hurt by my parent's attitude.

65 replies

Fireflyfairy2 · 14/01/2008 23:23

It is my 30th birthday tomorrow.

I also have a 3 hour psychology exam in the morning.

Thing is, education was never encouraged in our house, which is why I am outting myself through university now, at 30. I'm in my final year of a joint degree & working my butt off to gain something...for me!

Anyway, my parents have always been very dismissive of my life choices, especially the ones that have meant I have been studying for the past 7 years (both part time & full time) to get the job of my dreams.

My parents arrived today at 2.30, I wasn't in, was getting dd from school. I then stopped at my MIL's house, she lives a short walk away but I parked at her home rather than my own home. Now, may parents would have had to drive past my ILs house to get to mine... but they never noticed my car apparently. Anyway, I left my phone in the car so didn't get the calls. Then my dad pulled up at my MILs house & told me they were waiting on me for half an hour but they were going home seeing as I had no manners.

I left MIL's & came home. My parents came in & had a cup of tea.. during which I told them I had an exam in the morning. They asked what it was for etc.. and how long I had left of my degree, what it was I wanted to do when I had graduated. I said ideally journalism but I have to do an MA which at the minute won't be financially possible.. then my mam asked me why I didn't just get a job in the shop.. why I was bothering with university, and my dad helpfully added that journalism was a dream for younger people. Not for me.

I then said between times (whilst saving for the MA) I might get into the civil service.. my dad asked what the civil service would want me for?

Sorry.. I was so deeply hurt & upset. Then he & my mam fell out & he went home without her. (perfectly normal) So I was lumbered with her all evening added a visit from my 3 sisters' & their children, I haven't had a second to study.

Also, my mam told my dh about my 2 cousins who are at university, one doing a nursing degree & the other a criminology.. then she added "But they're useful jobs.. I don't even know the name of the degree our XXXX is doing!"

My mam & my last sister have just went home. I'm too wound up to sleep & too knackered to study.

Fuck them! Fuck the fucking pair of them! I have sweated blood, guts & tears to get this far... I told a friend yesterday she probably couldn't come to my graduation as my mam would want to go.. seems I was fucking wrong.

Sorry for the length... just good to get it all out

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 15/01/2008 09:56

Happy Birthday.

Not every one sees the point of education, but it is especially hurtful when your parents talk of the educational achievements of other family members without praising yours. I'm sorry your parents are so unsupportive. No doubt you will take a very different attitude to your own children's education and aspirations.

I see no reason why you shouldn't be welcomed into the Civil Service. Journalism might be more difficult to penetrate and have more work/life balance problems but I don't think your age has anything to do with it.

At 30 the world is your oyster - well done for getting so far in your studies, and good luck for your future career. Your exam success will open doors no matter what your parents say. What do they know about it anyway?

LoveAngel · 15/01/2008 10:04

Happy Birthday. It sounds like your parents are totally perplexed (and possibly a tad jealous/intimidated) by your apparent intelligence, ambition and drive. Maybe they lacked the opportunities you have had....or maybe they just never had the balls you do! It seems sad that they can't be happy for you, but don't let them or anyone else deter you from all you have worked (and continue to work) hard to achieve.

By the way, journlism is not necessarily a 'career for the young'. On my degree course, there were several 'mature' students. Off the top of my head, I can think of four of them who were over 30 when they graduated and what they're doing now - one is a frontline news reporter for a broadsheet newspaper, based in Israel/Palestine; one has set up her own PR company; one works for CNN; and one is deputy head of news for a large regional newspaper.

Stick at it! And enjoy a slice of birthday cake, eh?

geekymummy · 15/01/2008 10:08

Happy birthday!

Some people are just so negative... don't let them get you down!

indiechick · 15/01/2008 10:17

Happy Birthday
Ignore your parents, they sound like idiots.
Have you thought about being a press officer whilst you're saving for your MA? You get to write lots, deal with journalists all day, I think you would enjoy it. You can work for any organisation and it would be good experience.
Also the London College of Journalism does good short courses that you may find useful for getting into journalism, some part-time and in the evening so you could work as well. Good luck with your exams and future career, you've very young at 30 and you sound like you're going to go far.

cutekids · 15/01/2008 10:18

happy birthday....you'll be fine.
my mum has a knack of doing exactly what your parents did.seems everybody else is doing something worthwhile but i can't do anything that would impress her.given up caring ..... and i'm 40 in Feb....!

Spillage21 · 15/01/2008 10:22

You have my sympathy/empathy.

I left publishing after 14 years to train to be a midwife (which I should have done when I left school). Have overheard my Mum saying to my sister 'I don't know how they get themselves into this mess' 'I don't know why she left a perfectly decent job' when I tell them we are skint/it's hard work.

Despite the fact that I saw my former assistants getting promoted above me and was turned down for a promotion because I was 'too old and had kids' doesn't seem to register (or matter) with them...

In the meantime, head high and a very happy birthday to you!

Chardonnay1966 · 15/01/2008 10:23

Hi - happy birthday and sorry to hear about your probs...

Just wanted to say that if you really want to get into journalism,pls don't bother about getting an MA. You just need to write to lots of newspapers or magazines and get lots of work experience. Many journalists don't even have A-levels. They're just cheeky sods. And I should know...!! Good luck....

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/01/2008 10:23

Happy Birthday!

Good luck for this morning (you wont need it).

Make them eat their uneducated words fff2

Spillage21 · 15/01/2008 10:24

You have my sympathy/empathy.

I left publishing after 14 years to train to be a midwife (which I should have done when I left school). Have overheard my Mum saying to my sister 'I don't know how they get themselves into this mess' 'I don't know why she left a perfectly decent job' when I tell them we are skint/it's hard work.

Despite the fact that I saw my former assistants getting promoted above me and was turned down for a promotion because I was 'too old and had kids' doesn't seem to register (or matter) with them...

In the meantime, head high and a very happy birthday to you!

mylittleponey · 15/01/2008 10:29

happy birthday & good luck with the exam xxx

what's important is you & your goal - think of how you'll feel when you graduate. You must be so strong to have studied for the last 7 years & youy tutors must know how much you put into your work. Go for it - with your attitude you'll succeed & get your dream job.

blisteringbarnacles · 15/01/2008 10:30

Happy Birthday
tell more about your plans for journalism

purpleduck · 15/01/2008 10:41

happy birthday

dingdong05 · 15/01/2008 10:45

They didn't know what degree you are on?!!!

Well, you can't choose your family, unfortunately, but you can choose whether or not to let their problems rule your life.
Life is a work in progress, and I am in the process of dropping all the crap I inherited- this is made a lot easier by accepting the fact of the actual people and the actual relationships I had with them rather than mourning the lack of the healthy, supportive relationship I would've chosen!
HOPE YOUR Exam went well, and happy birthday!

citylover · 15/01/2008 11:21

Hope your exam went well.

My parents are similar - very critical of everything I have done - ie going to university late, doing an MA in mid 30s, moving to London. Said they wanted me to go to university at 18 but didn't really want me to move away from home.

In the end I went at 26 and graduate at 30, when I called them to tell them my classification they didn't know or ask what that meant. And I have always done everything at the wrong age according to them and now divorced have done everything wrong.

And I analyse everything far too much. My dad also told me quite recently I was 'up myself'.

TBH I don't think they ever envisaged of a different life for their children beyond their own sheltered, limited rural then small town experience.

It has taken until recently (now mid 40s) to tell my mother when she last visited 'not to criticise me!'

You just have to keep on with your life's plans and hope that they will be proud of you. But it's hurtful I know.

I think the acid test is when you feel 'normal' around your adult peers and 'alien' around your family in that it demonstrates that they are the strange ones.

citylover · 15/01/2008 11:21

PS Should add are you teh first in your family to go to university.

I was in mine!

OrmIrian · 15/01/2008 12:01

How did it go?

TillyScoutsmum · 15/01/2008 12:09

Happy Birthday and hope the exam went well..

They sound exactly like my parents. I did my degree and MA in "later life" having not had the opportunity at 18.

I think my mum is just jealous and bitter that I am doing things which she wanted to and couldn't (or just didn't) do because she had me at 19.. In her eyes, her life is crap (because of me) and how dare I go and do things like get a decent education and a career when she wasn't able to.

Strangely enough, I have heard that she does "brag" about my achievements to other people (as though she is in some way responsible for them), but is completely disinterested or dismissive to my face.

Just prove them all wrong

spottyzebra · 15/01/2008 12:37

tilly why do you think some mums do this ?

"Strangely enough, I have heard that she does "brag" about my achievements to other people (as though she is in some way responsible for them), but is completely disinterested or dismissive to my face."

as ive noticed my mum oftn does that, bigs m up to others but can be v critical and dissmissive to my face

do you think its because they like to act like the perfect family in front of others ?

spottyzebra · 15/01/2008 12:37

ff2 hope all is going well for you today

let us know how it went

spottyzebra · 15/01/2008 12:38

oh yeah happy birthday too

30 is the start of all the good times

OrmIrian · 15/01/2008 12:50

I agree with spottyzebra! 30 is great. I had such a good time in my 30s - much more so than my 20s.

TillyScoutsmum · 15/01/2008 14:40

Spotty

I think my mum has some very narcissitic tendencies (perhaps even NPD) and by bragging to others, she is making out that she has had some involvement in my achievements. Sort of like "how great am I, raising a child who has degrees".. It all has to be about HER when the fact is, most of my achievements have been in spite of her rather than because of her..

I always thought she was a bit odd, but now I'm a mum, I just can't ever imagine being jealous of my own child ...?

Sorry to hijack - Oh - and I agree 30's are great. Let us know how the exam went

Original poster
Fireflyfairy2 · 15/01/2008 15:46

Thankyou so much everybody!

First of all the exam was OK. I think I answered enough to get me a pass If I didn't I shall blame my parents... isn't is always the parents fault? I spent 18 long months in counselling & spent most of the hour sessions talking about my childhood, my parents negativity & my own sense of self worth. Just when I started doing something for myself they knock me back down again.

Yes, I am the first in my family to go to university. Well, my brother's wife went, but that was before she married brother. She has since been back to do various courses, she is nurse consultant now which I am very proud of her for, but of course my parents' have nothing good to say about it.

It has always been the same though, even at school when I started up a newspaper (it was fun, we had word search, crossword puzzles, other people's news, we had school news etc.. we were the first students to launch a primary school newspaper, 2 friends & I!!) We got recognised by the principal & got some Enid Blyton books bought to us, my parent said it was a waste of time, I had to sneak it in my room at night & work on it!

More on my journalism plans blisteringbarnacles? Erm.. I want to write! I want to to go out there into the old folks home & interview the lady who is 100! I want to get out into the local primary schools & ask about their projects, I want to review plays & concerts, I want to go to council meetings & hear about what's happening in the community. I plan to work for a local paper, the manager of the area give a talk to our class & instead of dampening my spirit I came home full of new ideas for my local paper! They talked about a high turnover of journalists because they go to the local paper, get trained up & move on.. I'm not sure I want to move on, I have a huge interest in people, I love hearing their stories... I don't want to be a hard hitting investigative reporter, I want to talk to the man on the street, find out his views, I want to being news to the people it will affect.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fireflyfairy2 · 15/01/2008 15:49

Also meant to add, on the way home last night my mam told my sister she had suggested I get a 'wee job in a shop' incase I fail me degree.... you know what? That makes it worse, she didn't say to me incase I fail my degree... Apparently my sister told her I won't fail my degree, I haven't failed any of my exams & I am a genius LMAOOOOOOOOOO

She also boasted to my sister about how proud she is of my cousin doing the nursing degree when she has children... apparently I don't know how lucky I am that dh 'lets' me 'play about with books'

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 15/01/2008 15:51

Happy Birthday FF2 and glad the exam went well.
You sound like you have a massive enthusiasm for journalism, you really should be proud of yourself, any publication would be pleased to have someone so passionate on their team.