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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset about this?

30 replies

UndertheCedartree · 17/06/2022 20:57

I might just be sensitive here. But, this really annoys/upsets me.

I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years. I feel like his family sometimes act as if I don't exist. I actually get on with them all really well. But particularly his mum seems to do this. This is the latest...

So, my boyfriend is in hospital at the moment for his mental health. His birthday is coming up. I suggested to him that we could go for lunch and I would ask his family to see if they could come. When I asked his mum you already had made her own plan to come up in the afternoon with his sister. But what annoys me is she doesn't speak to me to make sure our plans don't clash or so that we can all be together. Luckily, I contacted her as the time we were planning to go for lunch would mean he would have no leave left by the time they came. It makes me feel kind of left out and not important. I'm not going to make a big deal of it but I do find it annoying.

OP posts:
Mamamia7962 · 17/06/2022 21:11

She may have thought that you and your boyfriend wanted to do something just for you two. Why couldn't you ring her beforehand and suggest that you were thinking of going out to lunch and did they want to join you. Don't wait for her to ring.

TempName01 · 17/06/2022 21:16

Nothing wrong with his mum wanting to see him without you, the communication of plans should be coming from your DP, meaning if he has arranged for his mum to visit he should let you know or ask them if he should invite you.

luxxlisbon · 17/06/2022 21:19

She really only had to make plans directly with her son, she doesn’t need to check what you may or may not be doing in order to see if he is free, she can just as him surely?

NerrSnerr · 17/06/2022 21:26

I don't think she's done anything wrong. She doesn't need to contact you first- you need to be sorting it directly with your partner.

Might be worth arranging to go out on a different day so it's not too much at once.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2022 21:31

I don't see why she would speak to you about her plans with her son. She doesn't need your input.

indoorplantqueen · 17/06/2022 21:51

I think she could've checked in with you first like you did with her. People saying your DP should've made the arrangements- well given he's in hospital for MH reasons he's probably not in the right frame of mind to do so. His loved ones should be working together to make it a nice day/ visit for him without any conflict.

indoorplantqueen · 17/06/2022 21:52

Should have added- especially if he's only allowed to leave hospital at certain times.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 17/06/2022 21:58

Mamamia7962 · 17/06/2022 21:11

She may have thought that you and your boyfriend wanted to do something just for you two. Why couldn't you ring her beforehand and suggest that you were thinking of going out to lunch and did they want to join you. Don't wait for her to ring.

Well, that's fine but what if we were doing something in the afternoon or if we went for lunch at the original time so he had no leave left to see her. Maybe I didn't make it clear in my OP but that is exactly what I did rung her and asked to come for lunch with us. If I waited for her to ring...I'd still be waiting!

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 17/06/2022 22:02

TempName01 · 17/06/2022 21:16

Nothing wrong with his mum wanting to see him without you, the communication of plans should be coming from your DP, meaning if he has arranged for his mum to visit he should let you know or ask them if he should invite you.

Oh, I have no problem her seeing him without me, not that she actually minds. She hasn't arranged anything with him and also as you can imagine he is quite unwell so not really able to be organising things right now. She has just decided to visit him in the afternoon, without seeming to think he might be doing something with me. She expects him to just be there waiting for her to come as if I don't exist. That's how it feels to me anyway!

OP posts:
Riverlee · 17/06/2022 22:03

Do you live with your boyfriend? I think if you do, then they should check first.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 17/06/2022 22:05

luxxlisbon · 17/06/2022 21:19

She really only had to make plans directly with her son, she doesn’t need to check what you may or may not be doing in order to see if he is free, she can just as him surely?

Firstly, she has made no plans with him. Secondly, he's not very well so not really able to organise things. (She's not spoken to staff about it either).

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 17/06/2022 22:06

NerrSnerr · 17/06/2022 21:26

I don't think she's done anything wrong. She doesn't need to contact you first- you need to be sorting it directly with your partner.

Might be worth arranging to go out on a different day so it's not too much at once.

I have sorted my arrangements. If I hadn't contacted her she would have turned up and he wouldn't be there.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 17/06/2022 22:08

Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2022 21:31

I don't see why she would speak to you about her plans with her son. She doesn't need your input.

She doesn't have plans 'with him', she just has her own plans. And that's fine if she doesn't need my input, but without it she would have turned up and he would either not be there or not have any leave to see her.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 17/06/2022 22:12

indoorplantqueen · 17/06/2022 21:51

I think she could've checked in with you first like you did with her. People saying your DP should've made the arrangements- well given he's in hospital for MH reasons he's probably not in the right frame of mind to do so. His loved ones should be working together to make it a nice day/ visit for him without any conflict.

Thank you - I feel someone finally understood me! It's only about us all being able to see him and not just me as I know he would like to see his family too. Now I've spoken to his family I have it sorted but if I hadn't then his mum and sister would have had a wasted trip to the hospital.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 17/06/2022 22:17

Riverlee · 17/06/2022 22:03

Do you live with your boyfriend? I think if you do, then they should check first.

I don't live with him, no. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to be seeing him on his birthday. It's not that she has to check with me but just that if she doesn't then she may end up not seeing him if he is out with me or has used all his leave with me. Not that that would ever happen because I always communicate with her. I always let her know how he is when I visit. She never does with me. But maybe she just doesn't think too or thinks as I see him a lot more that I'll know anyway! I'm probably just sensitive as I'm pretty exhausted with all the visits/running round getting things for him etc.

OP posts:
millytint44 · 17/06/2022 22:24

He's probably got mental health problems because of his mother... most things are related back to childhood in some way aren't they?.... She sounds like she doesn't think about anybody but herself. Probably a narcissist. I feel for you.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 17/06/2022 22:29

millytint44 · 17/06/2022 22:24

He's probably got mental health problems because of his mother... most things are related back to childhood in some way aren't they?.... She sounds like she doesn't think about anybody but herself. Probably a narcissist. I feel for you.

Well, I see what you're saying. The family is definitely dysfunctional, but obviously I don't know all the ins and outs of his childhood. They are actually all lovely, but as I say dysfunctional! With his mum it really does seem that she doesn't think beyond herself, like you say. Which just makes me feel as if I'm invisible to her!

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 17/06/2022 22:32

I think this has triggered me. I'm so exhausted with everything with DBF being unwell and I also have to go chasing his family about his birthday. Why do I have to do everything?? (Said in the way only a mum can when the kids aren't helping out!) I'm just venting.

OP posts:
KnitOnePearlOneDropOne · 17/06/2022 22:45

You didn't speak to them before making your plans either. Surely it works both ways.

HollowTalk · 17/06/2022 23:01

His mother really isn't lovely if she just thinks of herself all the time. Your poor partner having a mother like that.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 17/06/2022 23:07

KnitOnePearlOneDropOne · 17/06/2022 22:45

You didn't speak to them before making your plans either. Surely it works both ways.

I did! We wanted to go for lunch. Before arranging it I spoke to all his family about it!

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 17/06/2022 23:09

HollowTalk · 17/06/2022 23:01

His mother really isn't lovely if she just thinks of herself all the time. Your poor partner having a mother like that.

Well, I don't see things so black and white. People can have good points as well as bad.

OP posts:
Notodaynotever · 17/06/2022 23:13

After four years it would be decent of her to include you around birthdays. I don't understand posters suggesting otherwise. If it was out of character you could put it down to worry.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 17/06/2022 23:24

Notodaynotever · 17/06/2022 23:13

After four years it would be decent of her to include you around birthdays. I don't understand posters suggesting otherwise. If it was out of character you could put it down to worry.

Yes, that's the thing, I've been around 4 years, not like it's a new relationship or anything. She's always been like it. But it's not as if she doesn't like me (as far as I know!) She is always very kind to me and my DC when I/we see her.

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 17/06/2022 23:40

You sound a little controlling. I don't expect my mum to have to contact my partner to confirm when she can/cannot see me, because I am not my partner's property. He should be sorting out his own plans to make sure they don't clash.