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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's impossible to raise your self-esteem once you're an adult?

46 replies

jwet · 17/06/2022 20:21

I have really poor self-esteem. For example, I cried before my probation review meeting despite there being lots of evidence, including in writing, that my manager and the senior leadership team were happy with my performance. I would cry after exams convinced I had failed only to end up with the top grades. I avoid driving as much as possible as I'm convinced I'm a terrible driver, even though I have had family and friends in the car with me tell me I'm a safe and observant driver. I am convinced I'm incredibly ugly, and when I worked in a hospital during COVID I would eat my lunch in my car and turn down social invitations as I worried my colleagues would think I looked ugly without my mask. I turn down invites all the time, convinced that people don't really want me there they are just being nice. I feel sorry for my manager having to manage me as I can be shy and I think they must dread every meeting with me.

I've tried to raise my self-esteem. I've read self-help books and done journal exercises like writing down evidence that I am liked and I am capable which does help but it doesn't really make any difference.

AIBU to think it's impossible to raise your self-esteem once you're an adult?

OP posts:
Beachsidesunset · 17/06/2022 20:23

I agree. But I now follow the advice of 'fake it 'til you make it'. I also try to accept the opinions of people who I love and admire who say I'm not monstrous, even though I feel to my core that I am.

Remembertotakeabreak · 17/06/2022 20:24

YANBU - it is really, really hard. But not impossible. Have you had any therapy? And have you heard of ‘people pleasing’ and explored how deep it runs in you to please others? Did you have a parent who needed you to be a certain way when you were younger?

D0lphine · 17/06/2022 20:26

Have you tried CBT?

Really helped me with anxiety and I think that is some of what you're describing. You learn to interrupt your unhelpful thoughts and challenge them.

SpaceshiptoMars · 17/06/2022 20:28

I think if you could ferret out why you have low self-esteem, you might be on your way to finding a solution. Somewhere along the line you drank in someone else's constant criticism and it developed into an annoying personality of its own in your head. Maybe there were other, happier voices in your past that have got drowned out - and with some work they could be restored.

Counsellors earn their living helping people fix this stuff.

BingeBitch · 17/06/2022 20:28

I prefer to see ‘self esteem’ as a made up concept to trick sensitive people into thinking there is something wrong with them. Forget self esteem and just learn to accept yourself for who you are. I’m what people would call an ‘over sensitive’ person. Maybe I am but that’s who I am and it actually means I’m very empathetic and care about others feelings. You sound similar. Embrace it and begin to accept that if people don’t like you for who you are than they’re really of no consequence to you. in short; show your face and two fingers up to anyone who thinks you’re ‘ugly’ (I bet you’re far from it)

Merryclaire · 17/06/2022 20:29

It is not impossible but it takes time. You sound like you would really benefit from counselling.

I was taught that you need to challenge negative thoughts with evidence, to prevent the ‘thoughts’ from taking over and becoming ‘feelings’.

So, if you think you’ve done badly at work, ask yourself where the evidence is for that? Has your boss actually said anything negative? Is the evidence actually that you are doing quite well? Keep challenging it and it will sink in eventually.

But I do think you need to get to the root of why you feel like this.

You don’t mention your age - are you young?

WhateverIdo · 17/06/2022 20:32

I disagree. My self esteem used to be on the floor, had severe mental health problems for 25 years. The past 5 years I've been recovered, happy, enjoying life.

I did have therapy but things only changed when I truly wanted them to, I did DBT, that helped stop overanalyzing stuff and just accepting. Theb I started being authentically me, I'm a little quirky, I have a niche sense of humour, I may not be everyone's cup of tea...but I'm me and I've got one life and I sure as hell am no longer gonna live it berating myself when I could just be happy. I'm not perfect, that's okay. Do you really care what Sheila from 3 doors down thinks of you? If so why?

Oreoreo · 17/06/2022 20:35

I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way, I’ve spent a lot of years of my life feeling similarly.

I don’t believe it’s impossible to raise your self esteem as an adult, but it does take work and time. Is there anything you’ve found that you’re passionate about?

My self esteem hit an all time low after I had my daughter in 2020. After a throwaway comment from my DP about how I did nothing for myself, I decided to start drawing to pass the time and honestly it’s changed my whole life. I don’t even think about half the things I used to worry about because I spend so much time thinking about what I want to draw and paint next. I understand this isn’t for everyone but hobbies really can be transformative, and maybe that could help you too? If nothing else, it might give you another outlet. Sending good thoughts ❤️

HalcyonDave · 17/06/2022 20:37

YABU, It’s possible! I didn’t have any self-esteem until I was about 30, my parents didn’t believe in it!
Make a note everyday of a positive thing about yourself and definitely consider self-help/therapy

Ablackcat · 17/06/2022 20:37

I did have therapy but things only changed when I truly wanted them to

I am sure comments like this are well meaning, but they always come across a little unpleasantly to me.

Does anybody actually want to go through life lacking self esteem and confidence? Usually the answer would be no. Therapy isn’t an exam, it isn’t ‘well you’d pass if you had only worked hard enough.’

SuziSecondLaw · 17/06/2022 20:40

I'm starting to think so, too..
My self esteem is awful.
I've done everything I'm supposed to do (new hobbies, self care, socialise even when I don't particularly want to etc etc) and my self esteem is still awful🤷🏻‍♀️

Orangio · 17/06/2022 20:45

I don't know. I consider myself to have normal/good self-esteem. But I think it's because I just don't care very much about some of the things you do. So I would just approach those situations differently. For example...

I might be ugly without my mask on. Ah well, who cares what I look like: it doesn't define me. Define yourself in the things you enjoy and the things you can do (going for nice walks, laughing with a friend, baking a cake, yoga, whatever).

People might not like me. This is probably true - not everyone will like me. But so long as I am not rude nobody will actively dislike me. And somewhere there will be a small handful of people who do like me. That's enough.

The other things (being a bad driver, probation, exams etc) are more evidence based are they not? The results speak for themselves? I wonder if this is less a self-esteem issue and more of an anxious issue?

Sorry if that's not helpful. It might help to reframe the way you think about it though?

ChimChimeny · 17/06/2022 20:52

@Orangio I think you've basically just described having good self esteem & being confident enough to not give a shit about things, which is exactly what the OP wants 🤦🏻‍♀️

dontknowhow2feel · 17/06/2022 20:55

I disagree, my self esteem was through the floor but now I am in a very good place. It's taken time (I'm 50). I faked it until I made it and had many mantras to challenge negative thoughts. A gratitude diary helped and recognising everyone else is flawed too...I'm no worse than anyone else.

Work was the last big stumbling block. I've now moved into a big project role and in the past this would have had me in a panic thinking I won't be good enough. However at this time I recognise it's unlikely I'm going to do a worse job than anyone else and will likely do a better job than most. I have no fear at all. Yes it is definitely possible to change.

CuriouslyStardust · 17/06/2022 20:59

Just remember you are worthy right now exactly as you are.

Personally I've found practicing self compassion is far more valuable than self esteem. Self esteem is there when things are going well whereas self compassion is there for you through everything. There's lots of books that might help, anything by Kristen Neff, Tara Brach or Brene Brown would be a good place to start ime. Good luck, you deserve to like or even love yourself .

kittythames · 17/06/2022 20:59

How old are you op? I felt like this until about 31 when I eventually felt like I'd found 'me' .

fallfallfall · 17/06/2022 21:03

i believe, with time, a person becomes more comfortable with themselves their views and their actions.

Izzy24 · 17/06/2022 21:03

CuriouslyStardust · 17/06/2022 20:59

Just remember you are worthy right now exactly as you are.

Personally I've found practicing self compassion is far more valuable than self esteem. Self esteem is there when things are going well whereas self compassion is there for you through everything. There's lots of books that might help, anything by Kristen Neff, Tara Brach or Brene Brown would be a good place to start ime. Good luck, you deserve to like or even love yourself .

Great insight and suggestions here .

Nocutenamesleft · 17/06/2022 21:05

No. I disagree massively!

m in my 20’s I was worried about everything

in my 30’s I got way more confident. I walked like I was confident (and I cannot stress the difference this does tk how people view you!)

min my 40’s I am incredibly confident. I love who I am. But it took 10 years!

Dilbertian · 17/06/2022 21:08

It totally is possible. Recognising that you are excessively harsh on yourself is a big step forward.

What really helped me was having CBT for depression. I began to learn a different way of relating to the world around me, and to be more accepting of myself as I am.

WhateverIdo · 17/06/2022 21:09

Ablackcat · 17/06/2022 20:37

I did have therapy but things only changed when I truly wanted them to

I am sure comments like this are well meaning, but they always come across a little unpleasantly to me.

Does anybody actually want to go through life lacking self esteem and confidence? Usually the answer would be no. Therapy isn’t an exam, it isn’t ‘well you’d pass if you had only worked hard enough.’

No but I spent a lot of time self sabotaging and I'm sure many others do too put of fear of change, fear of failure etc. I was terrified of being seen as arrogant, or up myself if I treated myself with the respect I deserved. I spent years in and out of psych units feeling awful about myself and who I was, and only when I'd finally had enough and yes ...wanted it to be different despite it being terrifying could I change.

I'm sharing my story, it may not be for everyone but yes wanting things to be different was a huge factor in change. Take that as you wish.

Manekinek0 · 17/06/2022 21:13

I disagree OP. I had a bad childhood and had terrible self esteem during my 20s. I would replay the silliest of mistakes in my head (they felt massive and very real at the time), I felt undeserving of anything good, and constantly made bad choices and put off really living my life.

But I made the decision to make changes in my late 20s. It took a lot of time but I am really happy now. I will never be outgoing nor super confident but I don't want to be, I'm just me.

The biggest changes have been getting in a routine/self care, looking for things that I am grateful for (I now see most things in a positive rather than negative) and meeting my DH (honestly having someone who thinks I am a good person and I am capable makes me feel 10 feet tall). I am still a work in progress. I know this whole paragraph probably sounds ridiculous but some the self help stuff does work.

Remembertotakeabreak · 17/06/2022 21:18

Orangio · 17/06/2022 20:45

I don't know. I consider myself to have normal/good self-esteem. But I think it's because I just don't care very much about some of the things you do. So I would just approach those situations differently. For example...

I might be ugly without my mask on. Ah well, who cares what I look like: it doesn't define me. Define yourself in the things you enjoy and the things you can do (going for nice walks, laughing with a friend, baking a cake, yoga, whatever).

People might not like me. This is probably true - not everyone will like me. But so long as I am not rude nobody will actively dislike me. And somewhere there will be a small handful of people who do like me. That's enough.

The other things (being a bad driver, probation, exams etc) are more evidence based are they not? The results speak for themselves? I wonder if this is less a self-esteem issue and more of an anxious issue?

Sorry if that's not helpful. It might help to reframe the way you think about it though?

But at some point, being ugly - or the fear of being ugly - probably did define the OP and it threatened their safety. Probably when they were young enough to depend on an adult for survival and maybe that adult made the fear of being ugly a scary thing that threatens the provision of safety. You obviously haven’t had that type of programming and maybe you were assured that you were loved regardless of being ugly or pretty, which is why you don’t see it as a big deal.

GroggyLegs · 17/06/2022 21:19

Everybody's faking it OP.

Everyone gets nervous.
Everyone thinks their hair is shit or they're too fat or have wonky teeth.
Everyone thinks they're annoying or embarrassing or too loud or too quiet.

You are as worthy & valuable as the flawed & yet perfect person next to you.

I wish I knew how to convince you of this & to ask you to stop listening to that unkind voice that tells you differently.

cherrypiepie · 17/06/2022 21:20

I did it -same as pp took all of 20s to heal but I did it.