To think it's impossible to raise your self-esteem once you're an adult?

[jwet]

I have really poor self-esteem. For example, I cried before my probation review meeting despite there being lots of evidence, including in writing, that my manager and the senior leadership team were happy with my performance. I would cry after exams convinced I had failed only to end up with the top grades. I avoid driving as much as possible as I'm convinced I'm a terrible driver, even though I have had family and friends in the car with me tell me I'm a safe and observant driver. I am convinced I'm incredibly ugly, and when I worked in a hospital during COVID I would eat my lunch in my car and turn down social invitations as I worried my colleagues would think I looked ugly without my mask. I turn down invites all the time, convinced that people don't really want me there they are just being nice. I feel sorry for my manager having to manage me as I can be shy and I think they must dread every meeting with me.

I've tried to raise my self-esteem. I've read self-help books and done journal exercises like writing down evidence that I am liked and I am capable which does help but it doesn't really make any difference.

AIBU to think it's impossible to raise your self-esteem once you're an adult?

I was terrified of being seen as arrogant, or up myself if I treated myself with the respect I deserved.

This is so true.

Nearly 20y ago I developed a condition that caused permanent changes to my appearance. When the condition first flared up I was embarrassed to go to the doctor in case I seemed vain. I was ashamed of feeling bad about how I looked.

Recently I came across photos I took for the dermatologist.

I nearly wept. It was truly awful. Even worse than I remembered (and I remember vividly the physical and emotional pain). How could I have felt that my distress was in any way unwarranted?

We need to love ourselves, respect ourselves. Believe that we deserve that love and respect.

What OP is saying reminds me of all the MNers with anxiety asking for reassurance. Thing is, nothing can be said to reassure them. The anxiety is like an insatiable beast.

That's like OP's glue to her low self-regard. There is no assurance that could convince her because the problem isn't whether she contributes meaningfully, it's that nothing could convince her otherwise.

Except... People can recover from anxiety disorder. I bet they can recover from obsessive low self-esteem too.

Its impossible if you have a fixed mind set but possible if you have a growth one

I second the fake it till you make it mentality

You are mistaken. Because you're still in that bad place right now.

There will be something that you do that has really helped somebody else - at work, you've taught somebody how to do something in a way that made perfect sense to them, so you've made it possible for them to do well and earn their living. You've made people smile and brightened their day. You've not given up when near crippled with self doubt and as a result, succeeded in examinations. You've made random strangers' days brighter just for being in them. You've made somebody feel secure, loved and valued.

You've done all these things - and one day, you will realise that you have incredible value to others.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

What a lovely post 🤗

No, I don't think so. I had extremely low self esteem and now I don't. I used to feel sorry for people for having to spend time with me because I was such a worthless person. People would occasionally try to strike up conversation with me and my mind would go completely blank as though I couldn't even remember words. I'd try really hard to think of what a normal person might say to fit in but I just felt useless. I actually just stood there and cried on a few occasions.

I don't feel like that anymore. I've got pretty good self esteem these days. I think getting older helped. And I don't really know how the change happened. I had therapy and went on medication for my mental health problems, but the self esteem thing was something which took time to resolve. Part of it was realising that there are some people who are really awful or say and do awful things with no shame whatsoever so why was I beating myself up so much? The second was realising that I didn't care that much about what other people did or said and wouldn't be analysing it days afterwards, so why would I think that anybody would do that to me? And a huge amount of faking it until I make it. In fact, I had an interview last year and talked about lack of confidence as a problem i'd previously had. The interviewer didn't seem to believe me - told me that I didn't seem to have any problem with being confident! I was absolutely faking it but nice to know it worked.

You need to figure out where this low self esteem started and whose actions might have been/still are responsible. If you can pin point a problem relationship then you need to go completely no contact from that person and then give yourself time to heal.

It takes time bit it is certainly possible to gain self esteem as an adult.

Completely disagree.

I was bullied at school as a child an as a teen and worse of all I had parents who were also bullies and did all they could to destroy my confidence and personality.

My self-esteem started to recover when I was in my 30s with a combination of counselling, getting involved in more social activities and making new friends. My confidence has grown has I got older at work and in life in general.

The one area which is still a work in progress is relationships because I got some really awful messages as a kid about how ugly, worthless and stupid I was...

So it is not easy but it is completely possible to achieve.

If you struggle to do it on your own, counselling could help. There are also charities and adult colleges that run things like group workshops and courses to build up self-confidence and resilience.

Yes you definitely can but it does take a lot of work and commitment, and as @WhateverIdo said it takes a lot of courage to try things which you might be afraid of doing for various reasons. The 'overcoming low self esteem book' by Melanie Fennel is evidence based (she's the 'don' of self- esteem in the CBT world). Compassion focused therapy is another useful approach, I would start by reading 'compassion focused therapy for dummies' You might also want to consider getting some therapy, search for your county IAPT service.

by asking on here you have taken a good first step. The main thing is treating yourself as if you're worthwhile.

Good point, that's definitely true. I was brought up being told that looks are not important and we should judge others and ourselves based on what's inside. And that all people are of equal value.
I can see that if OP was raised being told that your looks define you and that some people are better than others, that it would take time to move past that and to really walk in and believe the truth. But I still think it's possible to change your mindset because other people have done it. So it's much harder if you didn't get a great start, but definitely possible.

My self-esteem is definitely better now than when I was younger (I'm not bullet-proof, I'm definitely thinner-skinned than my DH and a number of friends but there have been improvements over the long-term.)

It took a LONG time and the process was very gradual. Surround yourself with positive people who see the good in you. Allow yourself to celebrate your successes - pinpoint them, think about them, write them down so they are conscious in your mind. Question the motives for people's negative behaviour more rather than falling back on internalising behaviour and thinking 'it must be my fault'. (It took me 10 years of distance and self-reflection to realise that an ex-boyfriend from years before was a textbook gaslighter who totally enjoyed my vulnerabilities and exploited them.)

Age also helps - your tolerance for other people's bullshit definitely wanes as you reach middle-age. I find it quite liberating in that respect!

Thank you all, I'm 26 now so hoping that it will happen with time.

It is hard, as the foundations of healthy self esteem are laid down in early childhood and negative early experiences can have a profound effect. Or so I have read.

Have you tried not thinking about yourself so much? I honestly have never really thought of myself as ugly or beautiful. And even if you are ugly why would that stop people socialising with you?

I'm also a huge fan of the fake it till you make it idea. As I've got older I've become more confident, not less. I used to hate wearing shorts or skirts, I've never liked my legs but eventually it was hot and I had a look at my legs and thought fuck it. They're my legs, they're never going to look any better than they do now, they work...why was I worrying?!
I've also started a skincare regime which gives me my 5 minutes to myself each morning and evening and has improved the condition of my facial skin no end. I feel much better about myself now than I did when I was younger.

I am nearly 40 and have found that my self esteem has increased enormously over the last few years. I don't think that this is unusual from reading other threads on here. I have suddenly found that I don't care what people think about me, when it used to matter to me a lot when I was younger.

People gravitate to confident people, attractive too but not necessarily. If all you have received in your life is generally bad attention/feedback You are going to develop a complex.

I suspect for example after reading a lot and thinking of situations where I have said something so frigging off base that people stopped and stated, that I might not be neurotypical. However I have had quite a few bad experiences with go's and have such bad self esteem that I think what would even be the point of trying to explain what was wrong to them.

It's completely possible, but it doesn't mean it's easy.
A self compassion workshop would be a great place to start ❤️
Have you accessed any therapy at all?

Im 44 and despite loads of therapy I still have zero self esteem. I try and fake it, which works on a superficial level but I find life so distressing on a daily basis. Then I feel guilty because on the surface everything should be fine. We have plenty of money, healthy kids and for some reason dh adores me. I got discharged from mental health services during covid because I was "coping" (a month after they offered me an in patient bed) and couldn't deal with a reassessment. The whole original process made me feel even more worthless and judged so I couldn't do it again.

In short, I hope you can OP but nothing has drowned out my inner loathing. I have tried cbt and schema therapy for self esteem issues both on the NHS. I've also tried exercise and various books recommended for me.