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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not wrong am I?

26 replies

harryshousee · 17/06/2022 16:51

Been friends with my friend for over 20 years.
We have totally different ways of life.
I enjoy going out travelling /cocktails etc and she never socialises at all and has no friends bar me.
It's her life and her choice.
Yet she has turned so so bitter.
Her cousin went on holiday ...she said to me
"Did you see her putting pics all over Facebook and checking in at the airport"
I didn't like any of those posts and I won't ..(yet she has no issues with her cousin and speak regularly.
Her words (don't know who she thinks she is swanning around)
If I go out /weekends away I might post things to Facebook ...and she never ever likes anything I post.
Yet she's active liking random things on Facebook and commenting on people who she doesn't even really knows pics "have fun hun" etc etc
I know it shouldn't wind me up but it's like she hates me or anyone she's close too having any fun.

It's got to a point now where if I don't text her she doesn't speak to me.
It makes me sad it's came to this.
Why is she like this ? Am I wrong in thinking this?

OP posts:
DeedlessIndeed · 17/06/2022 16:55

Not entirely sure I could last 20 years in a friendship like that.

Your friend appears to be very bitter about people enjoying their lives.

Have you ever asked why she makes comments like this?

Does she give a reason for never going out?

And to answer your question - no, you are most definitely not wrong.

Mrsjayy · 17/06/2022 16:56

She sounds lonely and maybe making her seem bitter and spiteful. "Liking" randoms is easier for her.

girlmom21 · 17/06/2022 16:58

She doesn't sound like a friend.

Is she very lonely? Do you actually do anything together?

Basilbrushgotfat · 17/06/2022 16:59

She sounds really unhappy :(

Original poster
harryshousee · 17/06/2022 16:59

she has a boyfriend in America who she speaks too daily but I don't see him moving here as he has 2 kids.
If she is lonely it's her own making ...I suggest things but she says no.
We haven't seen each in months as she never wants to even go for a cuppa.

OP posts:
Original poster
harryshousee · 17/06/2022 17:00

I try and suggest things like maybe a night away
A shopping trip for even a day but she's happy staying up till 5am talking to her boyfriend on WhatsApp then sleeping the day away
I'm not judging her at all but I hate how she judges me for enjoying going out

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2022 17:03

She's not your friend, not anymore. Feel free to walk away from this relationship. It has turned toxic and isn't working for you.

Basilbrushgotfat · 17/06/2022 17:03

But does she refuse to go out because of crippling low self esteem or mental health issues?

That would explain both unhappiness and bitterness.

To me, it sounds like she needs help. Whether she'd accept it or not I don't know.

Mrsjayy · 17/06/2022 17:09

I think its fine to say to her other people do different things like holidays, saying that she sounds miserable and negative must be exhausting.

Original poster
harryshousee · 17/06/2022 22:25

The negativity is the worst part

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 18/06/2022 10:03

It must be really draining! How did you meet.

Original poster
harryshousee · 18/06/2022 11:27

We went to school together.
Sometimes I feel like she doesn't even like me or maybe I'm wrong
I know when I split with an ex and was really unhappy ...not going out etc she seemed to speak all the time and maybe she enjoyed me being down too.
She was happy when lockdown was happening and everyone was stuck in

OP posts:
Friendship101 · 18/06/2022 11:31

I’ve had lots of friendships which have been draining because it was always me arranging things. I’m not friends with many of them anymore and spend my time with those who want it and make an effort with mr. I have a friend of similar length who rarely contacts me and I’m pretty much done with the friendship. Life’s too short to be chasing people who don’t really deserve or want your time

LuaDipa · 18/06/2022 11:36

I had a similar friend for years. I suddenly realised that while I was always happy for her, she begrudged me every single bit of joy in my life. She always felt very hard done to and she had had it tough whereas I make the best of things. She once said that it was easier for me as my dad had died, whereas her dad left her so it was much harder on her. At the time I actually agreed because I was so indoctrinated into her way of thinking but now I realise they are both shit situations and it’s awful to compare.

In the end I just realised that I don’t want to be around someone who doesn’t want the best for me. I think you should do the same op.

IFeelItInMyFingersIFeelItInMy · 18/06/2022 11:41

I'm not a fan of social media and don't really understand why people feel a need to let people know where they went for a drink, had dinner or when they checked into a lounge at Heathrow Airport. In fact I actively hate this type of behaviour.

Saying that, most of my friends do like doing this and that doesn't stop them being fantastic friends. My solution - I just don't go on FB - your friend would probably be a lot happier if she avoided it. Sounds like she dislikes you for being the type of person that posts on FB yet is happy to go scrolling around on it herself.

2pinkginsplease · 18/06/2022 11:43

She sounds jealous of other peoples lives.

your friendship seems once sided, I couldn’t be arsed with friendships like that. Being a friend is a two way street,

IwaswhoIam · 18/06/2022 11:54

My youngest sister is like that . It’s one thing to be like ‘that’s not my cup of tea’ but to constantly insult someone else lifestyle is an unattractive feature . Although I do find overly boastful posts to be annoying, my sister takes it personally . She also make horrible comments about some of her friends kids being ugly or putting down other kids achievements. It runs a lot deeper than just a nice holiday or a weekend away . She enjoys talking badly about people in general and it screams insecurity.

Mrsjayy · 18/06/2022 15:20

harryshousee · 18/06/2022 11:27

We went to school together.
Sometimes I feel like she doesn't even like me or maybe I'm wrong
I know when I split with an ex and was really unhappy ...not going out etc she seemed to speak all the time and maybe she enjoyed me being down too.
She was happy when lockdown was happening and everyone was stuck in

She sounds like she doesn't really like anybody, or anything, are you going to stick with her ?

Original poster
harryshousee · 18/06/2022 16:28

I'm backing away now.
She doesn't message me if I don't message her (yet if I don't message she acts hard done by because I haven't )
I don't think she does like anyone
I think she's happy in her bitter world

OP posts:
Original poster
harryshousee · 18/06/2022 18:25

Do you think I'm doing the right thing?
Or would you try and make more effort ?

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 18/06/2022 18:55

I think if it was me I'd message her every week or so ask her how she is blah blah I don't think I'd have the heart to stop speaking to her altogether, try and let the negativity go over your head.

Original poster
harryshousee · 19/06/2022 12:38

I ended up messaging her last night asking if she was okay as she was being quiet
She responded a long rant message
Basically saying
She was sick of fake people
Pretending their life is perfect on Facebook
Sick of people flaunting here there and everywhere when they aren't really happy etc

Is that aimed at me ?
How do I even respond ?

OP posts:
frydae · 19/06/2022 12:40

I wouldn't respond at all. I had a friend like this who did nothing but spout negativity about others. One day I was thinking about what she would be saying at home when I posted pics on Facebook of a day out. That was the day I decided to pull back. People like that are draining. They won't change. They revel in it.

Brefugee · 19/06/2022 13:29

people who actively monitor other people's facebook activity to the extent of who "likes" what and when, is an over invested twit.

Ignore it and concentrate on what you like about the relationship.

11Hawkins · 19/06/2022 13:52

I would suggest to her to deactivate her Facebook, clearly it's effecting her mental health.