How do you cope with being lonely?

[MyGiddyAunt1]

I’m not from UK but been here for almost 17 years. It’s a nice country and I’ve contributed to the the economy and the society as much as I can. But I’m really struggling when it comes to making friends…I don’t have a single friend or family in this country. I’m struggling with the loneliness and fear that I’ll end up in a cocoon which is not healthy…

a lot if people think it’s easy to forge connections when joining a club etc. But my experience largely has been-

although the general public are nice there is always a invisible line in which some are in and some are not so in. Im not saying it’s racism per se- I belong to the ethnic minority group but everything which happens is not racist. Or I refuse to see it that way. It’s more a general feeling if ‘let’s keep it at a arms length’ attitude.

another one is drink- if you don’t drink you be one an outsider- I don’t drink. Not because of anything else other than I never liked it..but I have noticed that stands in the way. As in if you drink, you are fun. If you don’t, then ok I’ll stay away from you.

i come from a place where people talk…a lot! To everybody!! Although as annoying as that was when I was a teenager now I see there was a inclusive attitude - but I’ve noticed when you are new the conversations (not all but most) are exclusive. So you struggle to join in.

Again this is not a ‘us and them’ or ‘oh look everyone is a racist’ thread. It’s a genuine question to anyone who is struggling like me to know how are you managing this? And to anyone else who might have some ideas!!

Try doing some sport or exercise classes how about water aerobics. You will find alot of like minded people. The focus is not on boozing maybe a coffee at the end of the class together certainly not drink. I have met loads of new ppl at the local leisure centre. They don't necessarily become good friends but widen your social circle. There is always someone to have a natter with. I think you've been meeting the wrong sort of people

I am an ethnic minority, but I live in London which is a lot easier for making friends. I mostly have British friends, and don't hang out with only other "ethnics". I don't drink either. What has worked for me is
work ( tho I now WFH)
book clubs
volunteering
parents of DC's friends ( though am now done with the schoolgates).
I make a massive effort because friends are important to me, and I am the organiser in the group.

I do find that some people have very odd views about S Asians ( my heritage) and think all of us have had arranged marriages, are slaves of our husbands, don't drink for religious reasons, live with our MILS, watch Bollywood all day, can't speak English and so on....I don't conform to those stereotypes and it confuses some... But most people are fine.

I also think it is important to remember that just because British people may not be chatty, it does not mean they are being unfriendly. I don't mind it; people in S Asia can be way too intrusive for my taste.

Don't you have access to some kind of club/association for people from your home country? Personally I have never joined such a club because I don't want to be in a ghetto of other Indians, but some people enjoy that experience.

I had times in the past when I've had no friends and jump to today I have a lot of friends.
I think it largely depends on where you live. I found the south east of england very unfriendly, now I live in Glastonbury and everyone wants to be your friend.
Also facebook is an excellent way to meet people. Before facebook there were times when i just could not meet people as a single mum with a full time job.
If you can just befriend one or two people and then befriend people they know you can soon build up a good crowd of people.
Find groups or local clubs of interest on facebook and start talking to people on there. Its an easy step from that to asking to meet up for a coffee.
English people are quite reserved unlike places I've lived abroad and need to speak to you online for quite a while before being willing to meet you or count you as a friend.

@dottypotter I did- I joined a yoga class. But it was already full of people who were part of an existing friends group- I’m still carrying in though as I enjoy yoga.

@JanisMoplin im SAsian as well. And similar to what you mentioned I don’t like to confirm to certain ideas. And I don’t want to limit myself to just ‘my people’ I’m keen to be part of the society and be accepted.

I live in a village on Hertfordshire- not many ethnic minorities around anyway! But I chose to live here as I liked the location and house. Like you I work from home now as well….

i do love reading, maybe I can look into joining a book club.

I don't think it's a race thing like you say.

I think most of England is unfriendly, I've lived all over the place and find up north is the most friendliest place compared to down south where everyone keeps to themselves and I'm white British.

I sympathise, OP, as I am autistic, so socialising doesn’t come naturally.
I took lessons and joined a bridge club, as that sits you at tables with 3 other people and you have to converse and interact as you learn and play. Once you are playing in tournaments, you are moving round six or more tables per night and meeting lots more people.
I’d suggest you find that type of hobby, where talking is more encouraged or required than during yoga - it doesn’t have to be bridge, a painting or quilting or craft class would do it, or a volunteer activity like litter picking.
My village church runs a fellowship rambling group, open to non church members, specifically aimed at getting people chatting as they walk round local beauty spots or in the hills.
Try lots of things, to increase your chance of meeting new potential friends.

You have my sympathies OP. I spend a great deal of time on my own and know what it is to feel lonely.
Think carefully about activities you choose. Eg, Yoga isn't a great activity for chat and getting to know people. You each stay on your own mat taking direction. If you don't like it I'd drop it. A book group on the other hand, is all about the chat...
In my case I've moved around a lot and what always always helps me find a new social circle in a new area is volunteering. Food banks and food distribution, adult literacy schemes, reading in schools, refugee charities, visitor attractions (National Trust, English Heritage etc) all need volunteers.. Do you have the time to try this? It may or may not make you new friends but it would mean you at least interact with others more, which is a huge help.
Very best of luck. X

It is very difficult to make friends in England as an outsider. They just are not interested. All the rest of the UK is not like this!

I have just joined a choir - in a market town in Hertfordshire and its the friendliest group of people I have ever met. I will admit it could be a little more diverse but anyone is welcome with open arms a friend of mine has just joined she if from an ethnic minority and has been welcomed with open arms.

I think you can only make friends when you find like minded people and its just a case of finding them its not easy though!

Have you tried Meetup groups at all?
I found these a great way to meet new people and quite a few have become firm friends.

OP, we now have a S Asian forum. though it is still quiet. www.mumsnet.com/talk/south-asian-mumsnetters

I can see that making friends where you are might be tough. I recommend book clubs because you can get past the polite chit chat and leap straight to discussing apartheid or abortion rights, for instance, if you choose the right book! It really helps to get to know people.

I do think a common passion can help you bridge cultural gaps. I volunteer at a National Heritage site. I am the only POC there, and also the only person below 70, so I stand out!. But I really enjoy it. Despite being S Asian I have a deep interest in British history, and while I would not say the other volunteers are close friends, we certainly have a lot in common.

That said, it is much harder to make friends post pandemic now that everyone is WFH and many people have cut down social contact. Keep trying. Can you invite people over to your home for Indian food? Most people would love that.

I don’t have a single friend or family in this country.

This makes me wonder if there is more than one thing going on. Never mind English people, in 18 years you haven't made any friends here from your home country or other countries? I'm not suggesting you should only have international friends, but as an Irish person moving to the UK I have more friends who have come from other countries than I have English friends. They are in the same position of setting up a life in a new place without the background of family and childhood/university friends, and are therefore available for friendship.

Also plenty of my friends don't drink so I don't think that is the explanation. Unless you are living in a very stagnant area with a non-diverse hard drinking population, in which case come to London instead!

The way I learnt to cope is to accept loneliness and the positives it can bring as opposed to seeing it as somehow "wrong" to be alone or that being alone was a sign I'm flawed or broken.

Being alone can be fantastic - all the free time to do what you want, when you want. That's the real issue - you need to find ways to fill your free time. It's unfortunate you don't drink because that is a sure-fire way of making the evening go faster, but try to find hobbies or interests that can fill the time instead.

Yoga isn't really a social activity - it's a solo practice.

Team sports are inherently more social. Plus they are often run as non-profit associations so you can volunteer to be on the organising committee/treasury etc and get to know people through working with them.

Do you swim? There are some very welcomring social outdoor swimming groups - look and see if the is a Bluetits group near you.

Politics? Join your local branch of whatever polticial party and they will have regular meetings, forums and activities like delivering leaflets/election campaign planning.

Or maybe there is a local environmental group in your area- Living Streets local branch? Litter picking group? Surfers against sewage?

All of these involve interacting with people and working together to achieve something which is a much better route to find connections than yoga or spin class or still life painting and so on

I have found similar to you that when I joined a class or group when you meet for an hour or so, it was difficult to make friends because there isn't much time spent together. Two other ways I made new friends. First, I joined a volunteer group, we spend a day at a time planting bulbs and tidying up in a local park, a whole day together with shared work leads to better conversations and a tea/snack break during or after. Then second, I joined a hiking group, similar to before, we spend a whole day hiking together and there have even been a few weekend trips. The longer the time spent together, the more connection is built.

Move to Scotland! Joking but ... in Glasgow in my youth I never went anywhere alone but someone would chat away ... lots of old ladies on buses showing me their purchases from Watt Brothers ... many a night out when groups merged and random folk were happily incorporated in the group .. Edinburgh is supposed to be less friendly but I find it's similar here. I think it's easier as a woman to approach other women eg neighbours, get chatting and agree to go for a coffee etc.

I wonder if you have read a book called "The Lonely City" by Olivia Laing. It talks about the unseen benefits of loneliness for the creative spirit.

I have been lonely in my 40s ( I am now 50) and used that to write 3 books. Not popular books but they have their own obscure following! My sister has been in a similar situation, and she has used the time to learn how to paint watercolours.

Still keep trying to make friends. But in my lonelier moments during the pandemic, I also thought of how it can lead to great creative inspiration.

I’m also from a other country and have been here for 20 years. The first few years I found it difficult to make friends with British people as they were quite standoffish so I ended up making friends with people from my country. Over time this flipped and all my friends except one are British. It can take time and effort to break through with people and one of the best things you can do is put yourself out there to meet people in as many different scenarios as possible.

I would think that living in a village possibly isn’t the best place for meeting lots of people (but I could be wrong of course). If you have nearby towns and cities then also look at things to do there.

I volunteer in two places, and have met many people through DS’ nursery and now school. I also joined a book club and we meet once a month - that always ends up with people chatting about anything towards the end and staying for more coffee.

As pp have said you need to be savvy with the type of activities you choose as some, like yoga, are solitary whereas team sports, walking groups, book clubs, craft or cooking courses/clubs etc usually find you interacting with others.

I used to feel this, and one thing that helped me was regular sleep and diet changes.

I dont have any advice but you're not alone I'm feeling alone! I moved to a small rural town 18 years ago, I'm white British (just to agree that it's not racism at play). It's a friendly town in the sense that people will smile and say hello but trying to break into the long established friendship groups is impossible. They've all been here for generations. I've made a couple of individual friends who all have lots of there friends. They keep me separate. I think I'll always feel like an outsider as I wasn't born here, I don't have those roots and long standing connections. It's difficult.

I moved to England a few years back from the US and find it much the same. I haven't made any English friends, even at work I felt I was kept at arm's length by my colleagues. It seems to me that most people stick to their friend group from their school days and don't branch out much I don't have kids yet and most women my age do, and I think that's how most people make friends in a new area. While I find it easy to socialise with DH's friend's wives at occasional get togethers, it never seems to progress beyond being acquaintances. I also find that English people like to ask me many questions about America and Trump etc and I feel a bit like a circus animal at times.

There is so much to do today. Alot of people are playing walking sports now too
At the leisure centre near me there's swimming, pilates, Zuma, Badminton, aqua fit. There are running groups.
If its not your thing there is so much voluntary work you can do , you could listen to children read in schools which I think is great. There's so much out there daily we are spoilt for choice.
Failing that you could always start you own group up.

I think sometimes in this country we don’t realise how difficult we can be to get to know. But we are reserved compared to people in many other places.
i think book clubs, voluntary work and choir are all excellent ideas.