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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would pay this and shut up or not?

50 replies

Chickenfriednuggets · 15/06/2022 17:57

For the sake of £10..

I work in a small office and one of my colleagues is going away at the end of the month for 2 weeks to get married and then on her honeymoon. A couple of my other colleagues have suggested that we throw her a party the day that she is due to leave and also buy her a gift. Unfortunately I had already booked annual leave on that day a few weeks prior to the idea being suggested (I didn't know what day she was going away as we sit on different desks and don't talk that often).

They emailed everyone today to ask if we would be happy to contribute £10 each which will cover decorations, food and a gift. (12 of us excluding the lady who is going away) so will amount to £120 altogether. I haven't responded to the email as I feel a little annoyed in all honesty. When they suggested the idea I made them aware that I wouldn't be in and their answer was "oh well you won't miss much" but still proceeded to ask me to contribute money towards the party/food. I don't expect them to work around my schedule but I'm the only person that's off that day and it would have been nice if they had looked at doing it another day when everyone is in... but I suppose it makes sense to do it on the day that she is actually leaving. I can't cancel my annual leave either as it's my birthday the day before and I've already paid to go away for the night.

I'm not a stingy person by any means and have contributed towards occasions before such as leaving gifts but that's never been more than a fiver. We don't contribute to birthdays as the company normally pays for a card/cake (before anyone suggests that everyone will be contributing towards a birthday gift for me). Paying it won't break the bank luckily, but money is certainly tighter now due to rising utility costs, fuel (our manager won't let us work from home even though we did it during covid) and there has been plenty of discussions in the office recently about money and how much harder things are for people now, yet they've still asked for all this money off people.

I'm leaning towards just paying it and not saying anything as I don't want to be known as the one person who didn't contribute, but it has pissed me off, especially since I'll be paying towards a party that I can't even attend or food that I can eat. I also don't want anyone to think I'm being like this because it's my birthday the day before (it really has nothing to do with that before anyone saids).

AIBU, selfish? Or can you see my point of view?
Happy to be told... maybe I'm just being grouchy and need to cheer up!

OP posts:
RunningFromInsanity · 15/06/2022 18:00

“Unfortunately I can’t make it to the party but here’s my half (£5) for the gift”

DivorcedAndDelighted · 15/06/2022 18:03

YANBU - how about just handing over £5 for the present and saying, confidently and without apology, "I can't come to the party because of my annual leave having been booked for ages, but I'd still like to contribute to her present so here's my contribution for that."

Daffodilsdance · 15/06/2022 18:03

RunningFromInsanity · 15/06/2022 18:00

“Unfortunately I can’t make it to the party but here’s my half (£5) for the gift”

Beat me to it - I was about to type exactly this !

Itsneverhotinthenorth · 15/06/2022 18:03

A fiver for the gift - and ask to sign the card and everyone happy!

BattenburgDonkey · 15/06/2022 18:05

RunningFromInsanity · 15/06/2022 18:00

“Unfortunately I can’t make it to the party but here’s my half (£5) for the gift”

This. No need to be grouchy, you aren’t there so here’s the gift money. They probably figured you’d want to be involved in the gift money which is why they’ve included you in the email. Not sure what the angst is for really!

Shoxfordian · 15/06/2022 18:05

Yabu and tight

It’s not actually your party op
Does it really matter if you’ve put a fiver towards a bag of crisps or whatever for your colleagues and you’re not there? Seems really petty

OrangeBagel · 15/06/2022 18:06

Honestly? I’d just pay the tenner. Goes towards the gift and I suppose the party is kind of part of the gift even if you can’t attend.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to pay a fiver or nothing at all though. Up to you.

Notcoolright · 15/06/2022 18:06

Annoying but I think I would just give the £10. It's worth it to avoid potential hassle and ill will at work which I can't take.

olympicsrock · 15/06/2022 18:07

Contribute £5 towards the gift but not the food and party

BattenburgDonkey · 15/06/2022 18:09

Shoxfordian · 15/06/2022 18:05

Yabu and tight

It’s not actually your party op
Does it really matter if you’ve put a fiver towards a bag of crisps or whatever for your colleagues and you’re not there? Seems really petty

So if I give you a fiver would you choose to a) buy yourself a drink on your birthday night away or b) buy some food to sit in a town that you aren’t in and can’t eat.

Whats wrong with just contributing to the gift? It’s not tight to not pay for an event that you aren’t at.

Shoxfordian · 15/06/2022 18:10

@BattenburgDonkey

The party is part of the gift though so I would think the contribution went to both gift and party

Nein9 · 15/06/2022 18:14

YANBU, you don't have to pay anything. I'll happily admit I've not contributed to the numerous requests for money in my team. I have, however, let them know I don't expect anything for my birthday or any big occasions I may have in future. I get on well with them, I just hate the culture of bitterly contributing because it's the done thing. I know at least a couple of team members have done it while needing the money themselves because of the feeling of guilt if they didn't.

Jakeyachey · 15/06/2022 18:18

Personally I’d pay it, I’d not want to be that person.

Original poster
Chickenfriednuggets · 15/06/2022 18:20

Thanks for the replies!

@BattenburgDonkey the thing is they asked me for a specific amount to go towards the decorations, food & gift. If they had emailed and asked if we wanted to contribute anything I would have emailed back and said I'm happy to give a fiver. It just feels really awkward now.

@Shoxfordian I know it's not my party and I do hope they all have a great time and enjoy themselves (believe it or not I do like my colleagues and we generally get on very well) but I think it's bothered me more because I'm the only one that's off and had it been me arranging the party I would have tried to plan it for when everyone was in.

It never crossed my mind that they might consider the party as part of the gift actually!

OP posts:
BTcherokii · 15/06/2022 18:21

No I wouldn't pay this

In my first job I was under immense pressure to do this stuff and couldn't afford it for colleagues I barely knew

I really hated the assumption was that you knew everyone and could afford it

these days I put in for close colleagues, everyone else I decline but offer clarification from the start to save any ambiguity or people "chasing" me for money: "no thanks, I'm off that day and I don't work closely with X. Thanks for asking though" and leave it there

BTcherokii · 15/06/2022 18:22

Personally I’d pay it, I’d not want to be that person

I wish more people had stood up for people like me in my first job

HangOnToYourself · 15/06/2022 18:26

As above, dont pay it just reiterate you cant make it so happy to contribute to the gift. Some people are pushy arseholes

Harridan1981 · 15/06/2022 18:26

I would pay. The party is for the wedding lady, not your colleagues

Remembertotakeabreak · 15/06/2022 18:31

I wouldn’t pay. PPs have given good simple wording.

was it a group email or have they sent you an individual request for money?

if you hadn’t been included on the email and you’d changed your plans would you have been upset? Tbh I think it’s nice they included you and it’s perfectly okay to say no thanks to the plans.

Sallypally0 · 15/06/2022 18:33

Nope. I would rather stick to my personal decision than give in to peer pressure. Politely decline and then ignore all further requests.

ItWillBeOkHonestly · 15/06/2022 18:39

I don't think you're 'paying to eat', I think you're contributing toward your colleague having a lovely time and feeling totally spoiled for a few hours by people she works with. You get to contribute to that experience and in my view £10 is a lovely, selfless gesture.

Dutch1e · 15/06/2022 18:40

I'd probably just ignore the email. The conversation has already happened, you won't be there for the party or the gift-giving, what else is there to say?

Ownedbymycats · 15/06/2022 18:44

A meal and present for my colleague recently cost £83 each and I'm still gulping at it.
There's simply no recognition that everyone has different financial responsibilities.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 15/06/2022 18:47

It’s a leaving party in the office, it’s not something that can be done on a day other than your colleagues actual last day!

Cant you see how weird it would be to have a leaving party on a day that everyone’s in, make a little speech and say a few goodbyes, and then come back into work for a couple more days? I’m honestly shocked that you think her having some strange non leaving do just so that you can be there would have been a reasonable thing to expect. It’s not like you’re forced to be off to have some horrible medical treatment, you’re off to have your own celebration.

Clearbluehelp · 15/06/2022 18:48

@Ownedbymycats presumably you chose to attend the meal and got to eat? Or was it voucher for just the colleague?

OP I’d just pay it if you can afford it, especially if you like the colleague getting married.