To ask if you live near your parents, how often you see them?

[Rosesandcosmo]

….IF you’re not overly close. I’m not talking about the people who have amazingly close relationships with their parents, love to go on holiday with them etc.

More the type of people who get on okay but only in small doses that live near their parents?

My parents used to live 45-50 mins away (over an hour if the traffic was bad) and tbh, I saw them once a month? But they wanted to downsize and so in March moved and it just so happens to be in a village a 10 min drive away.

They seem to have decided their old life and the few friends they have there are too far away now to bother with a lot and so seem bored a lot of the time and as a result of that, seem to want to see me 1-2 times per week.

Now I wouldn’t mind, but they always want to come to ours ‘for a cup of tea as they’re passing’ but they stay for hours! There’s just no getting rid of them, they plonk themselves down, my mum tries to make endless conversation but because she doesn’t really have anything interesting to say, just repeats herself for the sake of saying something. My dad either drones on and on talking at you, ranting and raving about things or just sits on his phone and I end up sitting there, quietly seething thinking I was so looking forward to a peaceful afternoon just DH and I. DH usually makes himself scarce too as I think he’s just fed up of the frequency now.

A few weeks ago I decided enough was enough and was just ‘busy’ everytime they wanted to ‘pop over’ and got round them coming here for hours by saying I’d go to them instead, which I did, but only stayed na hour, had a chat and quick catch up and left.

Saturday DH and I went for lunch with them, it lasted a couple of hours and it was a beautiful day so we were looking forward to just getting back the 2 of us and sitting in the garden for the afternoon. Parents made it clear they had no plans for after our lunch and were angling to come back to ours. I stood my ground and waved them cheerily goodbye outside the restaurant but I felt so guilty as I know they’re bored and lonely.

I have a sibling who lives about 30 mins from them so hardly that far but I don’t think they’re seeing them that much. I get the impression it’s once every couple of weeks, which tbh would be the frequency I would like.

I’m not sure whether IBU or not though. Both my sibling and I encouraged them to move a bit nearer the both of us as they’re not getting any younger and it’s a lot easier to care for ageing parents if they’re near. So I guess I kind of feel guilty as we encouraged them to move nearer us and so now I feel obligated, or perhaps feel like THEY feel we’re obligated to see them all the time.

My mum texted earlier saying ‘are you about after work, we’ll pop in for a cup of tea’ I’m not about after work so told her that, but also, I was thinking, I only saw you on Saturday?! I’d be happy not seeing them again until next week at some point.

Does anyone else have this guilt if their parents live near them and are a bit bored/ lonely?

you encouraged them to move nearer you, to an area where they don’t know anyone, so of course they are going to be bored and lonely just having each other.

What kind of encouragement did you give them? They obviously thought that you wanted them near so you could spend time with them. Imagine how much harder it’s going to be when one of them dies and the other is alone!

I think in your shoes I would Google local groups and interests, buy them national trust membership, introduce them to the University of the 3rd age
www.u3a.org.uk/ so they could find interesting things to do,
contact the local social prescriber for your area who could suggest groups, encourage them to volunteer or something. It sounds like a difficult talk may be needed if they don’t do anything, and instead rely on you for company and entertainment.

I do accept that when they were looking to downsize, both myself and my sibling suggested it might be better if they were nearer to us, but in fairness, they're only 45-50 mins from their 'old life' not 4 hours, they're both retired, nothing to stop them still going and seeing their friends etc.

Instead they seem to have moved 10 mins down the road from me and expect me to be a constant source of entertainment to them. I also think they are stuggling with the downsize, their house was fairly big and they had a lot of space, they're in a small bungalow now with a small garden. We have a fairly large house and garden so I also get the impression that they want to hang out here all the time because they're feeling a bit claustrophobic in their new house. But in the nicest sense, that's kind of tough, their garden is small but lovely, patio area and lawn, absolutely nothing stopping them sitting/ sunbathing in their garden yet they keep wanting to do so round here.

Ultimately, they're both getting on with my father in ill health and my mother always moaning about having to do everything or being on her own when he was in hospital etc so them living nearly an hour away just wasn't going to work long term if they expect/ want help. But I didn't think suggesting they move nearer my sibling and I would mean us having to entertain them multiple days a week.

I've honestly tried since March to get them interested in things locally and out doing stuff but they do seem a bit reticent to the ideas.

I just can't be their entertainment source because they're bored, we don't get on well enough for that, I wish we did but we just don't.

I probably sound harsh ( as i have issues with my parents - personality disorders - alcoholism- no boundaries etc) - but your parents are adults - they need to look after themselves- and you should not feel obligated to take care of them. If you don’t enjoy their company then be firm about boundaries and limit when you see them.

Is your sibling a brother? Wonder if that's why they don't see him as much? I think once a week would be more than enough.

I have elderly parents 10 minutes walk away or 15 minutes if walking slow. We never see them except in the town. They don’t know our address and I will never give it to them. My mother blanked me in Waitrose last week and I last say my father in August 2021 in Waitrose - they said nothing and we said nothing. I last had a text in October 2021 and I last contacted them in November 2021 via letter to tell them we all had Covid badly

We see my MIL probably once a month, if that. She lives around a 2min walk away and also walks past our house twice every single day. But she just cba to see her grandchildren.
My DM lives 30min drive away and we see her pretty much every Sunday

I see them most weeks, sometimes twice, but usually only for a cuppa and an hour or so.

Maybe 3-4 times a year a day out and a meal for family birthdays

My sister loves much further away and sees them much less frequently but has tons tat at least a weekend when she does. I think I have the easier arrangement although I do sometimes worry about everything falling to me if they need care/help

I constantly worry about this with my in-laws. They're 50 minutes away at the moment but MIL is always talking about moving closer. She even came to view next door when it was for sale 🤯

I have no advice other than to say that they are the same; even now, they drove down last week to borrow something from us and even though we specifically said on the phone and by text message that they could drop by for it but we were busy, MIL was baffled that we were going out and asked if they could come too, and then what we expected them to do. There's plenty going on around; but they're quite limited in what they like to do now, and MIL doesn't have many friends.

My plan is to encourage them to be independent as much as possible, and then stick to a schedule that works for us all. We saw them three times in a week a few weeks ago and by the third; they weren't even trying to make conversation, it was exceedingly awkward.

Can you be honest with them and encourage them to make new friends; if they feel that the old ones are too far away? It'd be an effort, but easier now than when they're even older, or when one of them is alone...

Latterly, I saw my parents about once a week, more when they became ill, but I lived close and they needed a bit of help . They are dead now.
MiL I see as infrequently as I can get away with - she lives about a 10 min drive. I limit it to high days & holidays , or if she is I’ll I might do some shopping or whatever. DH sees her about once a week. She wants to see him more often but once a week is about as much as he can take . We live closer than his siblings, and there’s a lot of expectation.

I'm pretty close to my parents, they live opposite us, it wasn't planned it just happened. I see them for the odd chat during the week then one or other of us will do a Sunday dinner, but it's pretty random TBH.

Mine live about 20 mins away and I see them once or twice a week but usually I go to them for an hour or 2. Maybe you could visit them instead? I much prefer it because I can leave when I've had enough. If they visit it can be few hours and I'm itching for them to leave! Call into them for a coffee and they might not feel the need to visit as often

10 minutes walk from my parents. I usually see them every couple of weeks or so, but sometimes more often for specific reasons, e.g. following my mum’s surgery recently, I was able to go a lot more often,

I am extremely close to my family. See them most weekends, and speak to them every other day. Live about an hour away.

My husband is not close to his family, and we see his mum maybe 2/3 times a year. His dad maybe a bit less and his siblings even less so. They live about 3/4 hrs away.

Yanbu, I think you need to stick to your boundaries or pretty soon both you and dh will be having issues with this. They need to find ways to entertain themselves and besides they have each other too, so not all alone. Them moving closer is for their benefit as you have intentions to care for them when ill/ they need it, so you don't need to feel guilty about that. And besides they are retired so easy enough to make the 45min trip back to their old place as they have the time to.

Mine were literally a 2/3 minute walk away. I'd see them maybe once a week unless 1 of them was ill and then I'd see them a few times in the week.

Just round the corner. Maybe once a week, sometimes for an hour sometimes in passing. All depends on if I've done/said something to mortally offend them that week. Can go weeks sometimes.
MIL lives maybe 5 min walk, DP calls in once a week I maybe see her twice a year.
FIL 15 min drive, DP sees him for about 20 mins once a week I've not seen him in about 5 years.

Reading that I sound awful but trust me there's reasons :D

I'm about 10 mins from mine. I probably see them once a week for an hour just to pop in for tea and a chat.
We never do days out or holidays together.
It's not that we don't get on. We're just not very close.

I love my parents to bits. Live 10 minutes from them, see them once or twice a week & go on a big family holiday at least once a year with them too. Luckily my husband likes them as well - they are very nice people, they make me laugh and I'm very lucky to have them. Not sure if I would be so keen to spend so much time with them if they weren't though so I totally get why other people are more reticent!

We live about a 25 minute drive from both my mum and my in-laws. I see my mum maybe once or twice a month for a brief visit and that's enough for me. She's busy with other stuff and rarely initiates contact so it suits us both. We have a strained relationship but I'm trying to maintain contact for my daughter's sake. She loves visiting nana.

My husband takes our toddler to see his parents maybe once a fortnight, again for a brief visit. They stay in touch via a family WhatsApp and they have a video call every Sunday together with his siblings.

I moved back to my home country and live 10-15 minutes from my parents and siblings. We usually see my parents once per week/ sometimes it's once per fortnight, but then we've things coming up the next month- Father's Day/ birthday/ wedding so we'll see them a lot! I also feel guilty even though I have 5 siblings. We're all busy though with ft jobs and dc.

See my parents twice a week and am very happy with that

My parents are like this even though they live an hour away! 😂 They do it to my siblings too even though they live further away than I do but it’s very difficult to get around because there is always a counter proposal if you say no, and eventually you give in. It’s not that we don’t want to see them, we do, it would just be nice if they gave us enough space for us to miss them and then we would invite them to do something.

By contrast we live in the same town as my fiancé’s parents and you can walk there in 15 minutes. Sometimes weeks go by without us seeing them because they worry so much about intruding on us and often wait to be asked/for us to pop round. It makes us want to see them way more because there’s no pressure or making you feel guilty!

Yeh, this is exactly how I’m beginning to feel. I feel like I would want to see them more if they backed off a bit.

My mum messaged back to me saying I couldn’t see them this evening to say ‘what about Friday after work?’ I honestly felt like I couldn’t say no, I don’t have plans on Friday after work except DH and I were going to have a Friday afternoon/ Eve relax in the garden as it’s meant to be such nice weather. I won’t mind them popping over on Friday for an hour, but I don’t want it to be anymore than that especially then because it starts getting towards dinner time and then I feel obligated to invite them to stay for dinner. Just hassle.

How do you politely say to people, yes okay but only for an hour 😂

I live about 10 mins from my family and I see them probably 2-3 times a week and rarely once a week if we have been really busy etc. Growing up I wasn't very close to my family but as I got older and then had kids myself I have become extremely close to my parents and I feel like I finally understand why they were that way with me growing up.

I get what your saying but at the same time, it's your parents and they are getting older and you might really miss their company one day when they are no longer here. That's just my thoughts thoughts, everyone is different.

@Rosesandcosmo I think you can say only for an hour based on the reason you have given. I find it’s best to not give too much information as that invites ways around it an I am much more likely to say something like “no sorry we have plans the next few weekends” or “sorry can’t fit that in at the moment” than a list of excuses like I used to because excuses just invite solutions! My youngest DB just doesn’t reply sometimes so I guess that’s an option