to ask if anyother sahp has a similar set up

[Mynameisnotsweetheartordarling]

My dh works and I'm a carer to our disabled son and two dc.
I have full control over our money. I pay all the bills shopping etc save for hoildays Christmas etc.
When dh wants money he asks me if there is enough as he doesn't know whats going out etc and i tell him how much he can have.
I sound financially abusive but we are happy with the set up. Since Im alone with the kids so much so i know what food we need and if they need anything.
We both have access to our joint account and dh will add things on to the shopping list if he wants anything

Anyone else the same ?

My nan always did this, grandad had £20 ish 'pocket money' a week 😁
If he's got access to the money, a bank card, and full access to all information if he wants it, it's not financially abusive.

On paper I appear to be financially abusive but I just can’t let have access or he buys random stuff and the bills dont get paid

I was the same. It suited us.

If it works, it works. I wouldn't like the responsibility though.

I will say, after witnessing how lost someone gets when their OH passes away suddenly and they have no clue who even the energy provider is, keep all of this info in a handy folder so he knows. It's a just in case thing.

Yep, exact same here, right down to the disabled child and 2 other children. My husband has zero interest in anything to do with money/bills etc. We both get the same "spending money" every week which goes onto our revolut cards(prepaid credit card) so we know how much we have. DH doesn't have a clue about any of the rest of our finances and no interest in finding out.

Seems a good idea if you're the one doing the spending for the kids and are better at budgeting

I naturally write everything down to keep track so he would know.

Mines exactly the same.

Same here.

Same here OP haha At my DH request actually.

We do things equally but honestly if I could hand him my money and all the control and responsibility and just occasionally get a bit of pocket money I’d do it in a flash, sounds perfect 😃

We are exactly the same. As in exactly. Including 3 dc one disabled. DP asking to add to shopping etc.

Similar here. Husband is the main earner but doesn’t really take much notice of the daily finances. Not sure he knows how to log onto the online banking! Every once in a while he has a flap about money and says we’re spending too much etc etc, I point out how on earth could he know that, and we then bimble along as we were for another year or so 😆

If you're both happy I don't think it's abusive. I assume if he wanted to, you'd happily discuss how the finances are with him in more detail, but from the sound of your post he doesn't really see the need. Thinking about it, my parents have a fairly similar set up. My mum has been a SAHM since my older sibling was born, nearly 35 years ago. She manages bills etc. Dad certainly wouldn't make a big purchase without checking with her that the money was there. (He probably would buy himself a coffee or whatever, though he's not someone to do much of that sort of thing anyway.)

DH and I will always run any unusual purchase over about £20 past the other (so not the food shop or the petrol, but something we wouldn't normally get). I'm pretty sure we're not being mutually financially abusive!

If a man commented this about his wife he'd be deemed controlling. Why should one person in a marriage/long relationship have more say than the other regarding what is a worthy purchase or not? Why are you more right about this than your partner? They might say you are stingy /prevent them ever spending money.

Dh wouldn't know how to log in either. My mum used to joke that my dad makes the money but she spends the money

I think in anyone's world bills should come first? It's not about worthiness more about making sure there is a roof over people's heads, utilities and food.

Of course this isn't financial abuse. Financial abuse is when one partner is prevented from being able to access money and, perhaps more importantly, is forced to do or not do things because the other person withholds cash. In addition, the financially abusive partner will usually have any and all disposable income.

So your situation would be financially abusive if you're out for dinner with friends 2 nights a week, getting your hair done monthly and wearing designer clothes but if your Dh wanted to go to the pub with mates or needed to buy new shoes for work and couldn't because there's no cash.

Same here. I run all the accounts, savings, budgets etc. It's all on the laptop for DH to look at anytime he likes, but he's happy for me to crack on as I'm good at it and it's one less thing for him to think about.

Financial abuse isn't about who is in charge of the finances, but when one party starts controlling what the other is allowed to spend, or being secretive about things etc.

Same here. I'm a sahm and in charge of all the finances. On pay day I log into dh's account and transfer most of the money out, leaving him with an 'allowance'. Most day to day expenses he'll charge to the credit card which I pay off. He likes not having the financial responsibility.

So you both have access and you discuss unplanned spending? That sounds like most healthy marriages. It’s not uncommon for one person to have a more active role in managing the books. The key is that you both have full access and full transparency on demand.

Same here, a disabled child too. I stay at home and care for her, he works. He is by his own admission terrible with money so I manage all the bills etc all from a joint account which his wages and the benefits we get for our DD are paid into. All bills come from that too. So he has a debit card to that account so always has access but if he needs anything more than petrol or lunch at work etc then he asks what money is spoken for and what we can afford and if he can have it. Sounds terrible but it works for us and he prefers it this way as he gets very stressed about money otherwise. I know my sister and her husband run their finances in a similar way too.

We both work FT but I solely manage the finances. Bills, bank accounts, budgets, long term and short term savings, insurance policies and renewals etc. I pay all child and school related fees and also manage most 'life admin' type things like birthdays and Christmas, kids clubs and parties, best dates to book annual leave.

I have the log ins to all of DH's accounts and he's happy to let me crack on with it. I've often thought that I could be skimming off money on the side and no way would DH know!

He obviously could access the money if he wished so it’s not financially abusive.
I think it can be a problem if money is really tight and one party hands over all responsibility.

I believe this used to be the case in a lot of traditional working class families? Dad would hand over the week’s wages and mum would hand back a small allowance and be in charge of the rest.