Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Comments about the cost of living payment

72 replies

Wednesdayafternoon · 15/06/2022 09:17

So basically I think I qualify for the cost of living payment because I'm on a low income and receive a universal credit top up. For context I never chose this life. I'm a single mum and two children and my husband left me during my second pregnancy. I never thought I would be in this position, and I am really grateful that I get some financial assistance from the government. As most will acknowledge in the situation though, the support that you get just isn't enough. With the rising cost of living I'm really struggling to get to the end of my pay without using my credit cards. In fact I don't make it to the end of the month. I'm struggling with my petrol, and bills and with my food, I'm struggling with entertaining my children. I don't spend a penny on any activities just for me.
But I know I'm not the only one in this position and I'm trying my best.
Because of being a single parent and the financial situation I am living at my parents at the moment. Everyone is happy with this set up, don't get me wrong if I could afford my own place I would love it. I miss having my own space and independence. It's not always easy, but again I'm grateful for the support I have.
So I think that I qualify for the cost of living payment in July and October. I've kept that to myself because my sister who is in a completely different financial situation to me can be very Judgemental. She's good with her money, a lot better than me. She has a house and is considering buying a second house so that she can flip it. She goes on around three (uk based) holidays a year and is always talking about doing her house up etc. I'm happy for her but she always gets digs in about my money. She has absolutely no idea what it's like to be in this situation. I had no idea what it's like to be in this situation before I was in it as well.
Anyway, she made a comment today about the cost of living payment. She thinks that it's unfair that somebody like me would be getting support but she and her husband isn't. She thinks that I should give the money to my parents to put towards their household bills. I told her that the payment is to contribute towards the cost of living and it would be something that would really help me because I'm really struggling. But she is now making comments like my parents pay for electricity and water for my children and it should go to them. I just think this is such an ignorant thing to say. She is the big sister of both of us and always feels that she knows best and knows everything. She is always making comments about my money and not respecting the fact that that's a private matter to me and not up for discussion for her and everyone else. I would give my mum and dad all the spare money I have, but in reality this cost of living payment if I get it it's going to really help me a lot with things that I need to pay for.
To be honest I'm just feeling really upset about the comments that she has made :(

OP posts:
worraliberty · 15/06/2022 10:30

I would definitely give your parents a few extra quid on top of your normal rent/bills payment, but not all of it (Unless they really needed it).

CheshireCat1 · 15/06/2022 10:31

Your sister should be helping you instead of making awful comments. I have two sisters and we often help each other out.
I’m sure that you won’t be in this situation forever, you come across as quite resilient and hopefully life will get better for you.
Your parents sound really supportive and your sister should take a leaf out of their book.
Good luck with everything.

IncompleteSenten · 15/06/2022 10:34

It doesn't matter what your sister thinks.
As long as your parent are happy with the arrangement, that's fine.

Are you sure though that they don't have a small moan to your sister from time to time and that's why she's saying this?

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 15/06/2022 10:34

Wednesdayafternoon · 15/06/2022 10:24

Thanks so much for this. This is my angle of thought.

I would give me parents the entire thing, I'm not selfish but they are comfort and I'm really struggling. I just thought this payment was to support costs of living hence why I was getting it. I really would help me!

Show quote history

Yes it is. What increase in costs do you have? Yes petrol and food but other than that all the responsibility falls on your parents.

You say they are 'comfortable', but even those in the middle are being squeezed.

Your debts would be there no matter what the cost of living was.

Do you work at all?

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 15/06/2022 10:36

Are you sure though that they don't have a small moan to your sister from time to time and that's why she's saying this?

I can imagine this maybe the case.

Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 15/06/2022 10:39

@PaddingtonBearStareAgain I work and I have always worked since I was 17.

OP posts:
StEthelburgaRose · 15/06/2022 10:44

Itstrue22 · 15/06/2022 10:19

Your sister isn’t right OP. She is privileged to be living in a two income household and she should not be drawing comparisons between your positions. You’re a single mum struggling financially. Therefore will be affected more by the cost of living crisis. That’s the reason this payment is available to you.

I trust from your updates, that some posters seem to be ignoring, that you have arrangements with your parents about covering living costs. As long as you three are happy with those arrangements it is no one else’s business, especially not your financially comfortable sister.

Your sister lacks empathy and seems to be trying to goad you. I would have a private conversation with your parents establishing they’re still happy with the arrangements and then try and ignore your sister. You have every right to be upset about her comments

I too agree with all of this.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 15/06/2022 10:44

How much are the debts?

You work, are claiming UC etc, have no real rent or utility bills to pay. No council tax.

You really need to break down exactly where your money is going.

VastQuantities · 15/06/2022 10:46

One third to whoever pays for you and DC's food, two thirds to whoever pays your and DC's gas and electricity.
If that's you in both cases, then keep it. If your parents are paying the bills then the payment should go to them to pay the increased bill.

funinthesun19 · 15/06/2022 10:51

I think my upset is more that she feels that I don't deserve this payment because I already get UC and she deserves it more.

She doesn’t deserve it more at all, and that’s why she isn’t getting one.

Workawayxx · 15/06/2022 10:56

It is none of your sister's business, it's between you and your parents. If it were my child and I was comfortable, I'd want you to pay off the debts your ex left you with ASAP to move on with your life and be happy. I'd talk to your parents about it all as it is your and their opinions that are most important. Then if your sister comments again just grey rock her if she starts talking about it.

Try not to worry about it. In my experience, people get really funny about missing out on something and totally miss the point that you'd love not to have to claim and be in the tough situation you are in! I was a single parent when my DS was tiny and got a small amount of tax credits, mainly to help pay for his childcare. I also had to live with my parents for a while. Someone i knew kept saying to me pointedly that her and her husband would "get loads of money" if they split up. I tried to point out they'd also have to pay for 2 homes and wouldn't be able to be in a relationship but she didn't seem to get that, just kept focusing on how much money they'd get. I know they were in the "squeezed middle" a bit but I'd have given anything to have the big house, stable loving marriage and 3 kids that they had. A couple of hundred a month in tax credits absolutely didn't make up for the end of my marriage!

Thebestwaytoscareatory · 15/06/2022 10:57

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 15/06/2022 10:34

Yes it is. What increase in costs do you have? Yes petrol and food but other than that all the responsibility falls on your parents.

You say they are 'comfortable', but even those in the middle are being squeezed.

Your debts would be there no matter what the cost of living was.

Do you work at all?

Show quote history

Here's a novel idea @PaddingtonBearStareAgain, how about your read the OP where the op states in the very first sentence "I'm on a low income and receive a universal credit top up" before making passive aggressive digs at someone in a difficult position?

@Wednesdayafternoon more of a general point but may also help with the cost of living for you, I would arrange to speak with an organisation like Stepchange about your debt. They will give you some really good advice on the best options available to you for your specific situation.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 15/06/2022 11:01

Here's a novel idea @PaddingtonBearStareAgain, how about your read the OP where the op states in the very first sentence "I'm on a low income and receive a universal credit top up" before making passive aggressive digs at someone in a difficult position?

I did tead the OP. Nothing I have saod contradicts it.

HTH

averythinline · 15/06/2022 11:03

Are you managing your finances the most effective way ?

Ard you getting full maintenance for your dc?
Could you earn/work more ? Could you go full time
Have you been to stepchange or other debt management people...if its ex's debt why are you paying it off?

Have you got a 5yr plan for your money and situation..and is this all discussed/sorted with your parents?

Its quite a lot to put on your parents and if you've not been good with money in the past I can see why she maybe concerned .. equally the way shes expressed it is poor .. but many people ard struggling that dont get UC so wont be getting help at all

110APiccadilly · 15/06/2022 11:04

Your sister is being a piece of work; there's no need for nasty comments about your situation.

That said, I think it would be fair if you gave some of the payment to your parents as you're living with them. But that is up to you and them, not your sister.

vivainsomnia · 15/06/2022 11:11

You say you are working. How many hours. Who look after your kids then? How old are they.

Your first post implied that you didn't contribute to the bills. If you are, why did your sister said you didn't? Surely you would have corrected her. How much do you contribute?

If you contribute 1/3rd of all the bills, then that should just increase in line with the increase your parents face and the money you get can go towards that 1/3rd increase monthly.

If you are not contributing anything or oy very little, then yes, a large chunk should go to your parents.

If you work, get top up from UC and maintenance from the dad, then you shouldn't be struggling. If that's the case,maybe your sister is frustrated seeing you spending all your money on things you and the kids don't really need whilst your parents bills are continuously increasing.

BaaCake · 15/06/2022 11:22

CheshireCat1 · 15/06/2022 10:31

Your sister should be helping you instead of making awful comments. I have two sisters and we often help each other out.
I’m sure that you won’t be in this situation forever, you come across as quite resilient and hopefully life will get better for you.
Your parents sound really supportive and your sister should take a leaf out of their book.
Good luck with everything.

Why? Being a sister doesn't mean you have to sort out each others's financial mess. I agree that she shouldn't be talking to you about your finances though.

Prinnny · 15/06/2022 11:30

Well it’s not really your sisters business but if your parents the majority of the bills then the majority of the grant should go to them. If not it’s a bit cheeky on your part.

Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 15/06/2022 11:31

vivainsomnia · 15/06/2022 11:11

You say you are working. How many hours. Who look after your kids then? How old are they.

Your first post implied that you didn't contribute to the bills. If you are, why did your sister said you didn't? Surely you would have corrected her. How much do you contribute?

If you contribute 1/3rd of all the bills, then that should just increase in line with the increase your parents face and the money you get can go towards that 1/3rd increase monthly.

If you are not contributing anything or oy very little, then yes, a large chunk should go to your parents.

If you work, get top up from UC and maintenance from the dad, then you shouldn't be struggling. If that's the case,maybe your sister is frustrated seeing you spending all your money on things you and the kids don't really need whilst your parents bills are continuously increasing.

I think that's some quite invasive questioning and I'm not really wanting to share all of that In formation online.

OP posts:
TheFlis12345 · 15/06/2022 11:44

We can’t really comment if she is BU or not unless we know if you are contributing to the household costs fairly. You keep talking about cost of living rises but your original post implies you are not the one paying for things like gas and electric that are going up.

AlternativelyWired · 15/06/2022 11:45

You've posted in aibu so you are bound to get lots of questions.

Your sister needs to mind her own business but you should give your parents some of the money to cover their increased bills from you staying there.

ancientgran · 15/06/2022 11:50

butterflied · 15/06/2022 10:01

Yes, agree with this.

Show quote history

The OP has said she is paying them and she also has to dress her children, maybe pay for nursery, petrol to get them around, buy food. If her parents are happy with whatever they agree then that is their business.

Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 15/06/2022 11:52

Some of the replies are drifting abit and I just wanted to make a post saying that I'm not going to share personal details about my work or debts or outgoings.

Comments about my sister being fed up of me spending are absolutely ridiculous. I don't by any means live a lavish lifestyle 😅 if she's jelous of me buying my fruit and veg and toilet rolls then well that's just abit strange 🙈

Appreciate the replies that stayed on topic and read my responses to things.

I think I'm more bothered that she's so offended I'm getting some support. To me it's clear that its jelousy. Shed rather that everyone got a little then people who need it get more!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wednesdayafternoon · 15/06/2022 11:53

TheFlis12345 · 15/06/2022 11:44

We can’t really comment if she is BU or not unless we know if you are contributing to the household costs fairly. You keep talking about cost of living rises but your original post implies you are not the one paying for things like gas and electric that are going up.

I am, I've already clarified this!

OP posts:
WhatsInAMolatovMocktail · 15/06/2022 11:56

My mum paid for a lot for my DB during lockdown when he lost his job. It added up to 70k. I know the amount t because she has died and I'm managing her estate. My mum could afford it and wanted to help my DB, even though he made little effort to help himself. I found it hard not to resent my DB for using my mum's money up when he wasnt really getting his own finances in order.

Since then, db hasnt offered to compensate my mum's estate. In my head I can't help thinking £35k of that money should have been in the estate, to be split between me and my DB who inherit from her, and that money would help pay for my kids' university, or a deposit on a flat in the future.

Maybe your Dsis feels like you she has some claim on making sure you aren't wasting your parents' money. She could be wondering why are your parents subsidising you, and why arent you better with your finances (how did you get lumbered with all this debt? Why isnt your ex paying up?!). It would really frustrate me too.

So tbh I do see your DSis has a right to wonder what is happening and to want to protect your parents and make sure their resources arent being stretched to help you out. And if you get some extra cost of living subsidy, I agree you should pass it to your parents.