To message an apology or would that just make it worse?

[Itwasntmeright]

Please go easy on me, not sure what to do.

I go to a thing every week where we all jam, learn songs, then we split up into bands and do a gig. The other guitar player in the band I’m in posted on the group chat earlier to say he is unable to come for the next few weeks as his mother is close to dying and he needs to be with her. He sounded unsure if he’d be back before the gig, which is understandable under the circumstances

I messaged back to say that I was sorry to hear it, and I hope that his mother’s final hours are peaceful.

thing is, we are sharing drummers and bass players as there aren’t enough, so if this other guitar player isn’t there, I’ll have nothing to do, and if he doesn’t come back before the gig I won’t get to play, and we’re paying to attend this thing so I do want to play, and, well, I just want to play anyway. I suggested to the other guitar player, and I did apologise if it came across as insensitive, that we split the songs between the other bands, I join another band, and he can slot into another band when he comes back before the gig, if he comes back.

he agreed, but now we get to the bit where I feel like I might have been a bit insensitive. About half an hour later I messaged on the group chat asking if anyone wanted another guitar player. I wasn’t really thinking at the time.

One of the organisers messaged telling me not to post on the group chat again tonight, because it was insensitive me talking about replacing the other guitar player when he just said he was about to have a bereavement. Fair enough, I deleted the message I sent, but now I’m thinking have I been a complete insensitive cow? Should I message to apologise to the other guitar player for being insensitive? I don’t really know him and I don’t want to intrude during a difficult time, so I’m not sure what to do.

I think you should have spoken to the organisers.

Yes, I probably should have, but I didn’t want to turn up tomorrow with nobody knowing what the situation is, leaving me losing practice time and with nothing to do with time I’ve paid for. regardless, I don’t have a time machine so I’m asking what I should do now.

I would just speak to him personally and apologise for if you came across insensitive. Putting more of it in the group chat will just make it more awkward.

Leave it and speak to people tomorrow. Don't bother him again.

If it's a sincere apology, surely a call would be better than a text?

Sounds like you and the guy who’s parent is dying are OK with each other, having messaged privately, but the group organiser didn’t know that, only seeing the main group messages? If that’s the case I don’t think you need to apologise to the bloke.

I'm not sure exactly who is in the group chat, but if the guitarist messaged everyone to say that he's not available, then he probably expected the chat to continue and to include discussions about how to rearrange the songs and bands.

It was nice of you to respond with your sympathy. Hopefully the organisers will contact him too. In the meantime I'd probably not contact him again since you don't seem to know the guitarist well, and let the organisers to deal with rearranging things. Given that you've paid to be included in this event you should expect the organisers to assist you. People can drop out for all sorts of reasons and it's their role to deal with the consequences.

I think a text tomorrow would be fine, along the lines of
‘Sorry if I was insensitive yesterday, when you’re going through such an awful time. I’m sure the band set up is the last thing you want to hear about. Apologies.’

Yes you have been insensitive. I would have just responded privately to the organiser that you were sorry, you didn't think and have now removed the message. And leave it at that.

If I were the bereaved person, I would have the maturity to be grateful that someone else was taking the initiative to sort out the band and make sure things run as smoothly as possible in my absence, without me having to do it or justify myself. It’s not like you are looking to permanently exclude him, just fill the gap until he can return.

Sorry, this is probably confusing. He messaged on the group chat saying he was unable to come because his mum is dying. I messaged on the group chat saying I was sorry etc, then I asked about splitting songs and joining another band and he agreed that would be best. Then I asked in the group chat about if anyone wanted another guitar player.

Organise a messaged me privately telling me not to post on the group chat again as it’s insensitive

The message from the organiser suggests to me that he’s not actually complained, she just thought I was being insensitive. I’ve unsent the message in the group chat and left it alone.

i’m not really convinced I’ve done anything wrong to be honest, but I can see it might come across as insensitive. My mind works on quite literal lines so sometimes I miss things. I don’t even know if he saw my final message, and the message from the organiser strongly suggests he’s not actually complained so I don’t know.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. The organiser was being overly controlling and, frankly, should have taken the initiative to ensure things were rearranged appropriately.

You've made his grief and loss all about you. Can you not step outside what you want for five seconds and see that? Have some empathy. Group chat organiser is saving you the embarrassment of looking insensitive and they are probably hoping you'll reflect and realise tomorrow that it's not about you or "knowing what's going on" etc.

I did also say on the group chat that I’d message to let him know what songs he was doing if he comes back before the gig.

honestly I wasn’t horrible. The issue the organiser took was that I’d messaged a bit later saying ‘who wants another guitar player?’ I have no idea whether he even saw that message, and like I said in my previous post, the way the organiser worded her message suggested that she hadn’t received a complaint, she just thought it was insensitive of me.

In that case I don't think you've done anything wrong. It does sound like the organiser has decided for herself that you were insensitive.

The guitarist may mute notifications if he doesn't want to see the chat. Equally he may find that dipping into the chat and practicing the songs helps him at the moment. Knowing your parent is terminally ill is an odd time and people handle things in different ways.

I feel like that might be a bit unfair, but I’ll certainly think about it.

I completely disagree with that opinion. I think that if the guitarist couldn't handle the idea of the group chat continuing as normal then the guitarist would have left or muted the chat and just contacted the organisers to explain that he'd be absent.

In any case, you sent a nice message to him so don't worry about it.

I think you’re thinking too much into this OP.

You obviously didn’t have any ill intentions. The organiser who messaged you privately saying to stop messaging as it’s insensitive, has probably got you over thinking.

Sleep on it. If you truly believe your message could have been insensitive then message him privately with an apology tomorrow or in a couple of days.

He probably has bigger things on his plate at the moment to worry about comments on a group chat about music/bands.

I think just leave it, the organiser overstepped a bit IMO, I can see why you feel stung. I wouldn't message the guitarist now, because it might come across as being all about you and wanting him to make you feel better. I'd assume band practice and the WhatsApp group is the last thing on his mind, and certainly the least of his worries.

Op, stop. It’s a couple of songs and this guy’s family member is dying. Yes you’ve been insensitive. Yes you should have taken some time and then sorted this out with the organizers without jumping on the guy’s message about a dying family member. No, you don’t need to tiptoe around this guy’s personal life but honestly get some perspective.

just step away and don’t do anything else.

Yes you were insensitive. If you were concerned you wouldn’t be able to play you should’ve messaged the organizer privately. Just because you messaged to say you hope she passed peacefully doesn’t mean it wasn’t insensitive to move the chat on to your wants so soon after

I don't think you need to overthink this. It was not a gigantic blunder. It was slightly thoughtless at worst.

I'd just thank the organiser for pointing it out, and don't put too much more energy into it. The actual bereaved guy hasn't said he's offended so try to let it go.

The message from the organiser suggests to me that he’s not actually complained, she just thought I was being insensitive. I’ve unsent the message in the group chat and left it alone.

Which you were. Complaint or not, learn some empathy.

I think just leave the poor guy alone now. This all probably feels really inconsequential to him at the moment, he’s probably really overwhelmed and doesn’t need you bothering him with this stuff that feels important to you but is likely just noise to him right now.

i’m not really convinced I’ve done anything wrong to be honest, but I can see it might come across as insensitive.

You didn't do anything wrong. You expressed sympathy, then you asked a question, having communicated with the guy.

The organiser expressed an opinion which is fine - but you don't need to take that on or feel bad. You've deleted the message.

Don't contact the guy again. Honestly he'll be thinking about his mum & none of this will be remotely on his mind, I guarantee you.

And you sound very thoughtful, I couldn't disagree more with the recent posters. 💐