To message an apology or would that just make it worse?

[Itwasntmeright]

Please go easy on me, not sure what to do.

I go to a thing every week where we all jam, learn songs, then we split up into bands and do a gig. The other guitar player in the band I’m in posted on the group chat earlier to say he is unable to come for the next few weeks as his mother is close to dying and he needs to be with her. He sounded unsure if he’d be back before the gig, which is understandable under the circumstances

I messaged back to say that I was sorry to hear it, and I hope that his mother’s final hours are peaceful.

thing is, we are sharing drummers and bass players as there aren’t enough, so if this other guitar player isn’t there, I’ll have nothing to do, and if he doesn’t come back before the gig I won’t get to play, and we’re paying to attend this thing so I do want to play, and, well, I just want to play anyway. I suggested to the other guitar player, and I did apologise if it came across as insensitive, that we split the songs between the other bands, I join another band, and he can slot into another band when he comes back before the gig, if he comes back.

he agreed, but now we get to the bit where I feel like I might have been a bit insensitive. About half an hour later I messaged on the group chat asking if anyone wanted another guitar player. I wasn’t really thinking at the time.

One of the organisers messaged telling me not to post on the group chat again tonight, because it was insensitive me talking about replacing the other guitar player when he just said he was about to have a bereavement. Fair enough, I deleted the message I sent, but now I’m thinking have I been a complete insensitive cow? Should I message to apologise to the other guitar player for being insensitive? I don’t really know him and I don’t want to intrude during a difficult time, so I’m not sure what to do.

Oh stop.

FGS. OP asked for opinions & for people to be gentle.

She has shown empathy so stop being nasty.

You've made his grief and loss all about you.

@PeekabooAtTheZoo

Of course she hasn't!

FGS. OP asked for opinions & for people to be gentle.

Why to be gentle? OP should be open to all kinds of responses not just the ones that are nice. You can't ask for opinions but only the ones you'd approve of.

I don’t think you’ve been insensitive. I don’t imagine that the guy expects the band group chat to go into formal mourning- he’s just letting you know he can’t play. Perfectly reasonable to make other arrangements. Unless your tone was off, I think the organiser was being over-sensitive on the guy’s behalf.

That said, I think you should just leave it now. If the organiser thinks you were insensitive, you won’t convince her otherwise. Can’t imagine that the guy is losing any sleep over the group chat either way and I’d definitely just leave him in peace.

I really can't see what you've done "wrong" so I would just leave it

Thanks all for the responses. I’ll leave it alone, then when he does come back I’ll have a quick word with him and apologise if I’ve upset him.

at the time I just responded ok to the organisers message then closed messenger, because yeah, as a PP guessed up thread, I felt a bit stung by it. I’m not gonna mention it tonight and just get on with it.

i’m also inclined to feel that it was kinder and more sensible for me to ask him what he wanted, rather than people make decisions on his behalf. Yes the organiser can argue that it should be their job, but we’re all adults Who are perfectly capable of sorting things out between ourselves, and I actually part with actual cash to be there, so it’s understandable that I’d want to protect my own investment as well. My fear was that it wouldn’t have been addressed until tonight, which would have meant time wasted for me, him probably being uncontactable, cos you know, he’d have much bigger things on his mind, and I would’ve ended up with nothing to do, losing practice time, and feeling really disappointed and pissed off with the situation.

I was kind to him. I said I was so sorry to hear that and I hoped his mothers final hours are peaceful. Then after he’d clarified what he wanted re the band, I said sorry again and wished him all the best and said I’d let him know what songs to practice when he comes back. I didn’t really appreciate the rebuke TBH, it felt a bit high handed. Oh well.

I've readthrough this twice and can't see for the life of me what you've done wrong.

I'm not sure what you've done wrong either. You sent condolences and then had a discussion with the person whose mum is dying about how to reorganise things in a way that still left space for him to slot in if that's what he wanted. Someone else has taken offence at you communicating that with the group chat. I think the organiser is trying to shield someone who didn't ask for their protection.

I would not contact the other guitarist but I would think about messaging the organiser privately to fill them in on the background to your message so they know you were only communicating what had been agreed with the other guitarist.

Not the point of the thread but I disagree with this. I know some people are obsessed with phone calls but if my mother was dying I can't imagine anything worse than people I'm not really close to calling me during her final hours to apologise for something I probably dont even care about. I'd find it intrusive and irritating.

He almost certainly won't care about your message. He has bigger things to worry about.

@fojn I don’t think there’s much point. She’s already decided I was insensitive and it’s unlikely I’ll change her mind. I think she’s annoyed that I sorted it out with him rather than her, but being as we’re all adults then I think that was a perfectly acceptable thing to do. If she raises it with me I won’t just sit back and let her tell me off like a child, but I’m not gonna make any more of it unless she does.

“Op, stop. It’s a couple of songs and this guy’s family member is dying. Yes you’ve been insensitive. Yes you should have taken some time and then sorted this out with the organizers without jumping on the guy’s message about a dying family member. No, you don’t need to tiptoe around this guy’s personal life but honestly get some perspective.

just step away and don’t do anything else.”

^This.

Its fine. In RL people facing bereavement don't expect the lives of other people to stop, and to be exposed only to sensitive related topics in hushed tones. Most of us have to organise other aspects of our lives, work, social and hobbies during our parents final days. Most of us can cope with witnessing a discussion about none bereavement related matters, and would either ignore it or welcome the distraction.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. Id reply to the organiser to say "sorry if you feel I was insensitive. I will leave it to you to reorganise things to ensure I'm included (as I've paid for!)." But probably worded in a nicer way!

Was this all done on the day he said that he possibly wasn't coming back? If so I think that you should have given the organiser time to sort things out and left it for a day. If you insisted on it being sorted there and then it was very insensitive and unnecessary. You just needed it sorting by the next session.

Just to add absolutely don't contact him again.

No you weren't insensitive.
You acknowledged the guy's situation sensitively.
You took on a degree of responsibility to make arrangements in his absence. You suggested how to move forward.
The organiser should now be supporting this to happen. I suspect the organiser is just feeling guilty that they didn't make the necessary arrangements.