To wish people wouldn't keep saying this?

[Headbeforeheart]

It may be just me, because quite a few people repeatedly say this to me.

I'm having a bit of a rubbish time, without going into details I'm probably not all I appear to be. As in I probably look on the outside like I've got it all sorted, but I've been through some really bad times in my life that have affected my mental health. I always keep on going and don't let anything stop me, but can get down in the dumps at times.

When I get a bit down sometimes and it probably shows, not to the point that I'm rude to people but just looking fed up and sad. People, usually at work will ask how you are and I'll usually just say not too bad then they might enquire a bit more if everything is ok. I'll brush it off and just say yes you know, just life sometimes and laugh it off. At which point I always get told that I should be grateful, or that I'm so lucky, or I'm so fortunate, or that there's people much worse off than me. Always said in a disapproving way.

They don't have a clue what is going on in my life to say that and I find it quite insensitive.

Yes. Totally understand this - while it’s probably them trying to cheer you up or be sympathetic, those “it could be worse” always make you feel judged.

They should try a little empathy and try to see things from your perspective.

Then they might be able to say something like, “hey, I don’t know what to say but I’m here for you” which would be nicer.

Many people get defensive when faced with someone else's suffering and say stupid, hurtful things.

Well you said it yourself - they don’t know what’s going on in your life

Sounds like you would benefit from telling someone about what’s going on. A counsellor, a close friend, a family member or trusted colleague, or your GP if things are really bad.

I think work people tend to oversimplify and brush things under the carpet because it’s work, and you generally keep people at arms length for the sake of professionalism. Also, you don’t know what’s going on in their life either. Maybe they are going through something awful and don’t have the capacity to carry the weight of your troubles. I know I’ve felt awful about complaining about certain things when I’ve later found out what the person I was complaining to has been dealing with. I’m not trying to be harsh, but just put things into perspective.

I think you’re right, a better response would be to acknowledge the hard time you’re going through and offer some sympathy, and also be wary of who you confide in because some people just aren’t very thoughtful (as you’ve experienced) and you especially can’t lean on colleagues IME as they just don’t care that much, if at all, the politene enquiry about you is often nothing more than nosiness.

What would you like people to say to you? Perhaps if you revealed what is going on in your life you might get the empathy you are looking for? People can't read minds, so if you want empathy, be honest with them

Also @Headbeforeheart I know you said you weren’t going into detail but you can obviously vent here if it would help.

Sorry if I'm not being clear but I'm not trying to confide in my colleagues or expecting sympathy. I just wish people wouldn't make assumptions and I don't want to keep being told how lucky and fortunate I am just because I've dared to sigh or not have a big grin on my face all day.

When people ask 'how are you'? they are not really interested it is just something to say. A friend of mine was telling me how she had asked someone how she was & the person started telling her how awful things were & spoke about all of her problems - my friend complained to me about it. So I asked her why on earth did you ask the woman how she was if you didn't really want to know? She had no answer to that.

Yes I know that they don't really care how I am that's why I always either say I'm fine or I'm not too bad or another generic response. What often happens then is they'll pry a bit so I'm might just shrug and say oh you know just stuff lol which is when they start telling me how I'm lucky and I shouldn't complain as I have not a care in the world. Even though I didn't exactly complain in the first place 🤷‍♀️

I work with some of the worst complainers fwiw.

I think when someone asks you how you are - either answer in full and tell them that you're struggling because of x, y and z, or else just say you're fine. Most of them time when people ask how you are it's just pleasantries and it's fine not to answer honestly.

Answering that everything isn't ok but not expanding doesn't leave the other person many places to go conversationally.

The day my best friend died very suddenly I left the hospital briefly to go to the corner shop. Man in there said ‘cheer up love it might never happen’ 🙄 so I totally understand where you’re coming from. Ignore the twerps.

I think you are being unfair. You won't tell these people what's going on but then expect them to behave with the level of sensitivity appropriate to something they don't know about.

Your actions (like sighing) tell them on thing, which you then make light of with bland words so of course they are going to come back with a banal platitude. They try, you shrug them off, so where else is there for them to go?

Points taken. I'm not, by the way walking around permanently looking like Eeyore or and sighing loudly! It's difficult to explain what I mean but perhaps I need to work on a big smile and saying everything is good.

You can't share reply personal things at work it wouldn't be appropriate. I'm talking about for example childhood abuse that has affected my mental health, to then be told how lucky I am infuriated me.

It's on a par with cheer up love it might never happen.

I get that people aren't mind readers, but it's not something I would ever say to someone I don't know very well.

What @JenniferBarkley and @Hillrunning said.

If you want to keep your private life apart from your colleagues (totally reasonable) then you have to either answer something like "I'm fine thanks, just got a bit of a headache today" or something which explains you not being the life and soul today but doesn't lead them to asking you more.
or if you get on with them, you might prefer to let them know why you are finding life a bit of a challenge at the moment and they might surprise you with support.

I think it’s because you are half letting them in.

If you just said ‘yes I’m fine’, I don’t think anyone would tell you to be grateful, they’d just say OK. You aren’t obligated to be cheery you know - it’s nice, but basically civil is enough. They will get used to you as someone whose mood varies a bit.

Is the reason you are half letting them in because you do need someone to talk to? If so could you afford therapy, or otherwise get on a waiting list through your GP? If you’ve had a rough time it may well be helpful.

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. It always feels like being told, "cheer up love it might never happen".

I understand the meaning behind it. I had person from a crisis home visit team tell me that I had a lovely house, I had a good life, a supportive husband. And I got it but just wanted to say that yes, and I still felt like I did. He didn't know about the gaps in the doors and windows that meant that heating in winter was impossible but the landlords were never going to sort. Sorry! I am rambling. But it really is that thing of just being mindful that you don't always know what is going on in someone else's life.

Thanks, writing it down it seems so trivial and I tend to internalise things that people say.

I have had therapy and counselling in the past and it did help somewhat but there is a lot to unravel and the NHS don't offer very much, I don't think I'll ever be 100% ok. One day maybe I could go private but it isn't only about the past it's things that are going on now. I am ok but a mosh mash of things means my mood can be low sometimes.

The trouble is I always find that revealing anything always opens up a can of worms, so even if you just say a family member is unwell, people always want to dig deeper and deeper.

I guess the half sharing invites the comments.

Totally get you OP. Not too long ago I was signed off work, on anti depressants, really suicidal and confided in a friend who said “Oh but it could be so much worse”.

Comments like that and similar “You have it so lucky”. “You don’t realise how good you’ve got it”. “Think about the poor people who had flee Ukraine”. “Our young men in the early 1900’s were shipped off to war, think about how they felt”. - are just plain ignorant and unhelpful. I wish people didn’t use them.

I think you're best just to move the conversation on. "Oh you know, the usual - say have you met the new person/isn't the weather lovely/I love your shoes" etc.

Could you have a look for some low cost counselling in your area? The 6 or so sessions of CBT often offered by the NHS isn't going to be anywhere near appropriate for the type of complex trauma resulting from childhood abuse.

It’s an absolutely awful thing for people to say. Completely unhelpful and rubbish.

I have a friend who espouses toxic positivity to the point I don’t tell her anything and the friendship has drifted. If you dare ever say anything negative about something in your life (and I rarely do) she responds with a) you should be grateful, it could be worse . B) there are people with much worse problems so we should try to be positive. C) in the war people had worse to worry about. D)Some twee hallmark card saying.

She has a more difficult life than mine and masks it with heavy drinking and pretending everything’s fine. She never complains. I’d rather not pretend bad things are good and drink 2 bottles of wine a day. I think toxic positivity people use that method to shut you down as negative emotions scare them.

"I'm fine thanks, Sue"

Highlight the Sue bit. It's firm, polite and tells the person you don't want to talk about it.

How about this though? "Everything happens for a reason." Fuck right off. Everything happens because life is random and sometimes it's absolutely wonderful - and sometimes it's one long depressing slog of shit x

Uggghhhh I could write a book with all the unhelpful things people say when you're having a bad time of it. To name just a few:

• you have to be strong
• man up
• there's always someone worse off
• chin up
• everything happens for a reason
• that's life
• count your blessings

I could go on and on if I thought hard. So sorry OP. Some people are just so insensitive.

When someone asks how you are, just tell them 'A bit shit to be honest'. A lot of the time I find it shocks people into silence because people don't want to know who you are. Everyone is in their own little world and don't really care about others.

It's hard letting people in when you don't want to. I do this a lot. But then I also complain that they don't care when I don't let them in.

At my work if you don’t spill all your problems on social media then people assume you have nothing to complain about I don’t tell people my problems because A.they don’t care B. They would tell me how much worse someone else has it ( totally unhelpful you wouldn’t say to someone who told you how happy they are that someone else was much happier C. All work colleagues just tend to focus on is if you have stress /depression are you going to go off sick and give them extra work . I work in a supposedly caring profession and all I will say is don’t make me laugh