To wish people wouldn't keep saying this?

[Headbeforeheart]

It may be just me, because quite a few people repeatedly say this to me.

I'm having a bit of a rubbish time, without going into details I'm probably not all I appear to be. As in I probably look on the outside like I've got it all sorted, but I've been through some really bad times in my life that have affected my mental health. I always keep on going and don't let anything stop me, but can get down in the dumps at times.

When I get a bit down sometimes and it probably shows, not to the point that I'm rude to people but just looking fed up and sad. People, usually at work will ask how you are and I'll usually just say not too bad then they might enquire a bit more if everything is ok. I'll brush it off and just say yes you know, just life sometimes and laugh it off. At which point I always get told that I should be grateful, or that I'm so lucky, or I'm so fortunate, or that there's people much worse off than me. Always said in a disapproving way.

They don't have a clue what is going on in my life to say that and I find it quite insensitive.

hi Jane, how are you?

I’m fine thanks Amanda, how was your weekend?

oh you know, busy.

haha, always busy. Anyway, see you later.

This is called office small talk. No need to gush about your amazing life but also no need for big sighs about family dramas etc. imo you can mention big stuff, eg a colleague being honest and saying “actually my mum died over the weekend so all a bit rubbish right now” is totally legitimate even in small talk but droning on about aunt mable’s cataracts and your brothers prostate is less okay.

i work with someone who is like eeyore and I have to actually stop myself asking how she is because her “oh I’m okay” with come with a massive sigh and teary eyes. One day something bad will happen in her life and no one will know because she’s permanently bloody miserable (main grievances being other people are paid so much more than her… people with 20 years more experience, higher qualifications and a proven track record. No Sarah, you’re right, the exec team is paid a lot more than you but you also failed your a levels and spend most of the morning making breakfast/mid morning snack/lunch and various cups of tea).

Sorry op, I’m using your post as a cathartic exercise.

I hear you OP. The dreaded How are you question. I think it’s kind of ableism in a way. You’ve got to be fine, grateful, happy, mustn’t complain (when the irony is you’re prob never a Debbie downer & there are genuine mood hoovers & professional moaners around you at work you as you say!). If having a tough time must try to overcome it, do it with good grace, keep on smiling, loads worse off than you, toxic positivity kind of thing. Same will any illness, disability etc. Got to be an inspiration, a champion, a fighter. Anyone with a chronic disabling illness will know how draining this shtick can get.
I also agree that pple don’t know how to respond if you go off the script of great thanks blah blah.
And I do think in the main they mean well & they knee jerk back to the ableist tropes because they don’t don’t know what else to say. Because fundamentally we do want everyone to be ok. We do care. Kind of.
Constantly having to say you’re good when you’re not though is really wearing. You might not be suicidal you might just be feeling a bit shit. But we keep reminding everyone, it’s ok to say you’re not ok isn’t it? Or is it? Because when you do you’re told to be grateful! What for?! Why can’t I just answer your question? Must I feel guilty about people in war torn countries just because my chronic pain or my anxiety is bad today?!! All of this is said tongue in cheek slightly because I am one who has always “made the best of it” & “looked on the bright side” never been a mood hoover. But there’s a down side to that & it’s not healthy. Hence why you just learn to make the right noises with most people & real talk with the ones you can real talk with. You know the ones. Because when you talk with them none of that crap matters. Nobody’s offended you’re not happy, nobody’s made miserable because you’re not feeling the same as them, you’re allowed to be how you feel & vice versa. And you actually have a good laugh - even if things are a bit shit 😊

One of my best friends is borderline suicidal, had 12 years home now for severe depression, so I am so lost what to say for the best. A friend you support them but not if you could lead them to a reason for killing themselves.

“I work with some of the worst complainers fwiw”

This stood out for me. Are you sure they’re not asking you how you are just so you’ll reciprocate, giving them an ‘in’ to moan to you?

Sounds like they’re not really interested in your answer, as PPs have said.

Are you not 'lucky' or 'fortunate'? Are you not grateful for the life you have?

If not then I understand your reaction. What needs to change?

.

I don't think you can hint that things aren't great, withhold detail and then blame other people for lack of sensitivity. How can anyone empathise if they don't know what's wrong. There is hardly anyone alive who has not had their fair share of challenges and difficulties so maybe you're expecting sensitivity from someone with their own issues who simply doesn't have that emotionally energy available. They might be thinking how insensitive is headbeforeheart to hint she's fed up when my husband has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. None of us can really know what life is like for anyone else but most people do not set out to be unkind and insensitive.

I've had colleagues say things to me which would be considered outrageously insensitive if they had known what was going on in my life at the time but they didn't so there was absolutely no intention on their part to minimise my experience. I have also had amazing support from incredibly kind colleagues when I have been honest with them about the painful things happening in my life.

My point is that it's unwise and presumptuous to outsource your emotional well-being to other people when you have not been clear about your needs or checked whether they are qualified or willing to undertake that role, doing so will always lead to disappointment because people are just humans doing the best they can with what they have.

@mellongoose no I don't consider myself lucky or fortunate.

I also don't believe that a person shouldn't be allowed to feel sad, unhappy or experience negative emotions just because other people may be worse off.

I've looked up toxic positivity and that's definitely how I feel about it.

I've tried to explain I don't want people to say or do anything, but what I wish people wouldn't do is make assumptions.

People, usually at work will ask how you are and I'll usually just say not too bad then they might enquire a bit more if everything is ok. I'll brush it off

So people are trying to help, trying to check in on you and you are brushing them off.

You can't share reply personal things at work it wouldn't be appropriate. I'm talking about for example childhood abuse that has affected my mental health, to then be told how lucky I am infuriated me.

But it is ok to respond with something like thanks for asking, I've just a bit of personal stuff but I'm fine. And then change the subject.

@sillysmiles what I have generally found when people ask how you are is that they are just making small talk, which is fine by the way. But they don't actually want someone divulging all of their personal problems.

It would be really inappropriate at work to start spilling my life story to work colleagues, so what am I supposed to say?

Surely it's perfectly acceptable to just say to someone you're having a bit of a rubbish time without them responding that well you are lucky so you shouldn't complain?

Cross posted, that is pretty much what I would say but for some reason some people seem to get really annoyed by that.

I mean I said that to someone once and their reply was "well Joan in HR her dad has just died so I bet that puts any problems you think you've got into perspective".

I do find it a bit sad that people feel they can't talk to the people they work with beyond bland banalities. In the last month people on my team have told us about a sibling with significant health issue and one of the team members themselves with significant health issues. That is just normal in our work environment that people would talk about things that are significant in their lives.

Surely it's perfectly acceptable to just say to someone you're having a bit of a rubbish time without them responding that well you are lucky so you shouldn't complain?

Definitely, but the whole exchange seems odd to me. To me, a "hey, how's it going" - isn't actually asking how you are, but a, "you seem a bit down, everything alright" is a genuine question. An answer of "ya, fine" could mean I'm fine or I'm not fine but don't want to talk about it. An answer of "I've got a bit of personal stuff on my mind, thanks for asking, but I don't want to talk about"
In no scenario would I (or anyone I know) say something like - you should think yourself lucky.

That's just assholish behaviour imo

I'm sorry to hear that, @Headbeforeheart.

You're right, of course. However, even after the loss of my daughter, I felt lucky to have one healthy child. It helped.

I hope you find the help that you need.

I don’t think people get it until they get it unfortunately OP

@mellongoose I'm sorry to hear that you've been through something so terrible.

Let me rephrase what I've said. Of course I am lucky about many things. I'm could be considered lucky to have been born in the UK for a start, compared to someone who was born in a war torn country.

However, I don't agree that I'm lucky and therefore I should shut up and not complain or that I'm not entitled to feel sad or have negative thoughts and emotions.

Finding it difficult to explain where I'm coming from. I'm a very grateful person, I get overwhelmed about quite small things, possibly because of my childhood I get a massive amount of almost childlike joy at things that to a lot of adults would be insignificant.

It's possible to feel grateful and still have bad times.

I also honestly people that for some people, when you have a bad start you don't have the basic foundations to be a secure person. You could be outwardly the most successful person in the world but the basics are missing.