Photos of deceased family members at reception,

[ILoveYoga]

We’re renewing vows and having the reception always wanted as when we got married, we had no money for a reception.
As many years have passed, sadly we have lost very special family members that we would like to include via photos and some flowers on a side table in the reception hall.

My husband’s mother died, not at a young age, when she was 70 plus years old do we have had many years of being family, sliced grandmother to our children etc.

We would like to include photos of her (group family photos) and as with the other family members who have passed, to mention in the speeches.

Here is the AIBU. FIL has remarried. Would we be seen as being unreasonable to include deceased MIL photo and refer to her in speeches as being missed and how happy she would have been to attend?

should we just not include her? If we should (and we would like very much to do so), how do we deal with my father in law’s new wife?
This is not about her at all, it is about important family members who are dead but not forgotten.

Should we address this beforehand with father in law and his new wife ? Not mention it?

If your FIL’s new wife has a problem with your husband missing his mum it’s totally her problem. I’d mention beforehand that you’re going to have the memorial area but absolutely do not change your plan to suit her or leave your MiL’s pictures out.

Not at all unreasonable. Hopefully your MIL is an adult and a deceased wife isnt' any threat to her.

At my wedding we both talked about, and left an empty chair with a rose for my mum who had passed away. My stepmum was there and was in no shape or form offended. In fact she helped us arrange the wedding, and therefore the chair.

You should include your fiancé's mum who has passed away. It's important to honour her, as his mother.
It depends on how well you and your partner get on with FIL and his wife and if you think they have the emotional maturity to deal with it, as to whether you tell them beforehand. If you get any comeback, you can say it isn't negotiable
If you do, you can explain it is for the reasons above.
But also big up the new wife (when you tell her, not at the wedding)..

Has the new wife given any indication that she is, in fact, evil and insane? If not, then I can't see why you need to "deal with" her at all. She's, presumably, well aware that she's not DH's mother and, given that you married him before his mother died, it's not like the step-mother raised him or played the role of a mother to him. I'd be baffled if the new wife has any issue at all with photos of her husband's late wife being on display or mentioning her name at her stepson's wedding.

What's previously been said or done to make you think it would be an issue?

it would be polite/considerate to mention this in advance but that's all you need to do

Just to add, I would avoid using pictures of MIL and FIL in a particularly "coupley" scene (i.e. their wedding). It's not a major issue but the point should be about MIL as your DH's mother rather than MIL as your FIL's wife.

I would include your late MIL in the photos/speeches as it would be odd to exclude her if you're including other lost relatives. I'd mention that she was missed, but might not say the bit about how happy she would have been to be there. Perhaps you could include a sentence in the speeches to acknowledge your FIL is fortunate to have found happiness again with his current wife?

I'd probably mention to FIL what you're intending, but gently present it as something you will be doing, not seeking his permission.

Do it. This is life. She passed away, his father remarried. I think she's aware he's a widower and loved other woman before? This is your day and do what is important to you.

Agree with this too. Photos of MIL on her own, or her with you and your DH, or the grandchildren, if you have kids.

I disagree with this. If MIL and FIL we're still a couple until she died there's no reason to avoid coupley photos of them.

Agree to mention it in advance to those attending.

My god I totally misunderstood the thread title 😳

Not unreasonable at all.
At my late mother in laws funeral there were photos of me and her son from our wedding and ones together with our children and we were mentioned with love in the eulogy given by her sister.

We had been split over 10 years at the time and my ExH had a partner of 8years. All was fine. Partner accepted that I had been in MIL s life for 20 years. The divorce was amicable though and we all get along.

Good luck and congratulations. Have a wonderful celebration.

I think that your DP should mention it to his Dad. All he needs say is that you are including those who you miss not being there by having their pictures displayed. His Mum will be included because she's his mum, not Fails former partner. Unless she's a very difficult person, there shouldn't be an issue.

Indeed you can say that she would have loved to be there. You can also have a group photo that has your FiL and MiL in it, no problem at all. I probably wouldn't put a photo up of just your MiL and FiL in it - unless it was taken during your original Wedding Day, and is a particularly good photo of your them.

I hope that you have a lovely Day OP, and if there is a version of Heaven, I am sure that those of your loved ones who are no longer in this realm, will watch over you all with Love, Joy and Pride.

Why mention it in advance? It would be weird not to include her.

I would mention it to your FIL in advance that you're planning to do this, so it doesn't take him and his wife by surprise, but I don't think it would be at all disrespectful to mention your late MIL. She was your husband's mum! He's entitled to talk about her and I'm sure your FIL and his wife are aware that he must miss her.

Perhaps at some point in the speeches you could also say something like 'We'd like to thank everyone for all their love and support. It's lovely to see my dad so happy with [second wife] and it's been a pleasure to welcome her into our family' or something like that.

It's lovely that you are doing this. Let them know but don't give anyone the right to veto it.

Why ever not have pictures of the in-laws together, the poor lady died, they didn’t get divorced.
it would be ridiculously if the new wife was upset about this.

Assuming SMIL is a perfectly nice, normal woman, one assumes she's fully aware that her DH had a wife he loved very much and who subsequently died? I know a few people who have developed new relationships after their spouse died and there's always a respect and understanding for the relationship that had previously existed.

So I'd agree, polite to mention it perhaps. And possibly avoid super loved up pictures of her and FIL but that's more because the vow renewal is about your and your DH so I'd have thought it would be pictures of her in the context of your relationship. But she is and will always be a huge part of your family and step mother should absolutely respect that.

I am guessing (hoping) your SMIL will not have an issue with this. Even pictures of MIL + FIL on their wedding day which is a pretty standard thing to put out these days if parents are still together and I would think the same applies if 1 spouse dies.

Have a fab reception

I didn't say not to ever have pictures of the in-laws together. I just said that the point of this particular display is to honour who the late relatives are to the bride and groom (i.e. OP's DH's mother) not to honour MIL's relationship with FIL.

Think most people do this with photos

My stepson recently got married. His mother died when he was 5 years old and I've been his stepmother since he was 9, but there was a small table at the reception with a candle and photos of his mother and grandparents on and they were all mentioned in the speeches..
It didn't bother me in the slightest, why should it?
We also have one of the last photos of mother and son on display in the house. Again this doesnt bother me and nor should it. How could I be jealous of a woman who died 30 years ago?

Exactly this!