Photos of deceased family members at reception,

[ILoveYoga]

We’re renewing vows and having the reception always wanted as when we got married, we had no money for a reception.
As many years have passed, sadly we have lost very special family members that we would like to include via photos and some flowers on a side table in the reception hall.

My husband’s mother died, not at a young age, when she was 70 plus years old do we have had many years of being family, sliced grandmother to our children etc.

We would like to include photos of her (group family photos) and as with the other family members who have passed, to mention in the speeches.

Here is the AIBU. FIL has remarried. Would we be seen as being unreasonable to include deceased MIL photo and refer to her in speeches as being missed and how happy she would have been to attend?

should we just not include her? If we should (and we would like very much to do so), how do we deal with my father in law’s new wife?
This is not about her at all, it is about important family members who are dead but not forgotten.

Should we address this beforehand with father in law and his new wife ? Not mention it?

I think it depends how sensitive/secure they are. For instance, at my nan's funeral, there was a photo montage and a photo popped up of my dad, his first girlfriend and my nan. Now I know that wouldn't have bothered my mum in the slightest, especially as they've been married 40 years!

Although if you go with photos, don't do what I did...
We had photos out at our wedding of grandparents who are no longer with us. My grandma, grandad and nan, plus dh's grandad... Or what I thought was a photo of his deceased grandad. It turned out to be a photo of the one who is alive!! The alive grandad stood up to speak at our wedding, picked up the photo and commented how much younger he looked! Nobody seemed to realise or be bothered apart from me and we had a little giggle about it later. It's partly dh's fault for not noticing the photo (rolls eyes).

I think it would be more unusual not to mention her in the speeches etc.

I would mention the photo idea to FIL just so that he's not blindsided on the day and knows it will be there (regardless of a new wife).

I would mention the photos in advance but I think most second wives would understand in the circumstances.

My DH's mum died about 15 years ago when DH was in his early 20s. His dad remarried 7 years ago. He and his wife moved last year and they still put up photos of DH's mum in their new house. There are a few family photos and one from their wedding. As far as the new wife is concerned it would be weird to pretend she didn't exist or avoid talking about her. She was loved when she died and that hasn't changed.

Thank you all.SMIL was a bit of a bridezilla when they got married. She’s gotten rid of all photos of MIL in FIL house hence being a bit nervous. But as mentioned, it isn’t about her, it’s about MIL, she’d have been happy at the event, who is gathering and that she is missed

No one has the right to veto this, and I wouldn't ask how they feel in the first place. This is your husband's mum and life history. It happened and it matters. If anyone objects they'll just have to deal with it.

Your DH's mum was a big part of his and your life so she should definitely be mentioned

I think that having a photo and speaking of her is fine - as would be saying nice things about his 2nd wife (there has to be something you can say about her that's nice, whether it's bringing FIL joy, how much children love her - there has to be something) - but it could be very hard for FIL to hear a speech without warning and even the loveliest SMIL could think if the first thing she sees (without warning) when she walks in is a bunch of photos like a shrine, that you're telling her she doesn't belong.

So I'd tell FIL you will have a photo and will mention both your DH's mother and his wife in the speeches so that they aren't blindsided by it.

Show any photos and talk about whoever you like. If you get along with SMIL, maybe mention her in the speeches too so she's not left out. And I mean this nicely but don't make it too sad, I've been to weddings where the bride and groom sobbed through their own speeches because they went into too much detail.