To be hurt by her response?

Auntieobem · 2022-06-13T19:57:34+00:00

We live a 6 hour drive and 3 hour ferry journey from my mum (dog has to come, think she looks forward to seeing her more than us). I used to visit twice a year. Mum never visits us - last time was 7 years ago. Last visit (Oct last year) was stressful, mixture of unexpected hospital stays, me having to go look after family member for a couple of days, culminating in a fall out where I said wasn't coming back. Mum apologised and I've just arranged for us to visit for a few days in the summer. Her response? Not good dates, work is busy at that time. She works part time, should have retired years ago due to ill health and really isn't needed in work (extended family business). The dates are the only ones which work for us, dp and I both struggle to get time off together. I feel like cancelling.

TheIsaacs · 13/06/2022 20:59

Don’t go. If she wants to see you, then she should come to you. Why is your relationship so one sided?

Bebabelouba · 13/06/2022 21:00

I don't blame you.
Will your guilt outweigh you not going?

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 13/06/2022 21:02

Just cancel, you'll feel better for it.

If she mentions it again ask when she's coming to see you.

butterflied · 13/06/2022 21:02

I get that you're disappointed. But you probably should have cleared dates before arranging.

Purplecatshopaholic · 13/06/2022 21:03

If that was me I would cancel. Sod that. You can phone, face time etc, but that’s a hell of a trek for a visit, no way would I do that twice a year!

Original poster

Auntieobem · 13/06/2022 21:04

Bebabelouba · 13/06/2022 21:00

I don't blame you.
Will your guilt outweigh you not going?

Yes. 100% yes. She has lots of medical issues - her anxiety prevents her from coming to us- that and claiming she can neither bring her dog, nor leave it with anyone.

OP posts:

DWofMN · 13/06/2022 21:04

Honestly, I think it's pretty rude that you booked to go and stay with her without checking with her first... How have you "arranged for us to visit for a few days" before asking the person you intend to stay with whether you can come, surely that'd be the very first stage of "arranging"? You surely can't expect to unilaterally invite yourself to someone else's house on certain dates and be offended when those dates don't work for them?

Her response was rude but you were rude first.

IncompleteSenten · 13/06/2022 21:06

I'd cancel.
I'd suspect this is cutting her nose off to spite her face and thinking she's punishing you

If it was me I'd say oh that's a shame mum. But if you're too busy it can't be helped. I understand. Ok, we'll cancel. Let us know the dates you're available next year and we'll try to get over.

Mally100 · 13/06/2022 21:06

Why wouldn't you check with someone who works, about available dates??
The fact that this one was on you, and you feel hurt makes me wonder what her version of this is.

Original poster

Auntieobem · 13/06/2022 21:07

butterflied · 13/06/2022 21:02

I get that you're disappointed. But you probably should have cleared dates before arranging.

Dates don't really matter, it's not as if she'll do anything with us if she takes time off work- we'll just sit watching judge funcing judy all day. Her being at work actually gives us some time to get out of the house!

OP posts:

Original poster

Auntieobem · 13/06/2022 21:09

DWofMN · 13/06/2022 21:04

Honestly, I think it's pretty rude that you booked to go and stay with her without checking with her first... How have you "arranged for us to visit for a few days" before asking the person you intend to stay with whether you can come, surely that'd be the very first stage of "arranging"? You surely can't expect to unilaterally invite yourself to someone else's house on certain dates and be offended when those dates don't work for them?

Her response was rude but you were rude first.

I'd discussed with her beforehand, she just said to let her know when we were coming.

OP posts:

PremiumPeaches · 13/06/2022 21:11

Auntieobem · 13/06/2022 21:07

Dates don't really matter, it's not as if she'll do anything with us if she takes time off work- we'll just sit watching judge funcing judy all day. Her being at work actually gives us some time to get out of the house!

Show quote history

Does she live in a holiday destination by any chance? Travelling to see someone when you're hoping they're busy seems very odd - are you just after free accommodation in a location you want to be in?

Obviously the dates do matter or she wouldn't have said the dates don't work for her... You've painted a picture that she doesn't care about seeing you but you clearly don't care about seeing her. I'd be curious for her side of tbh.

WishILivedInThrushGreen · 13/06/2022 21:14

Hmmm... there's more to this than meets the eye.

Why should she just stop her life just to entertain you?

You really need to arrange these visits in advance.
You cannot just give her your preferred dates.

If she's a very anxious person then accept it or don't. If you don't then it's going to be very difficult to arrange to see her , especially as she doesn't want to do the journey herself.

Useranon1 · 13/06/2022 21:14

I think on the face of it it's unreasonable for you to think when you go is solely your decision. Her life/work/wishes are important to, even if you view your situation as more complicated and therefore a priority.

But I appreciate you're reacting based on more of the backstory.

butterflied · 13/06/2022 21:15

You've painted a picture that she doesn't care about seeing you but you clearly don't care about seeing her.

Sounds like it.

Original poster

Auntieobem · 13/06/2022 21:22

PremiumPeaches · 13/06/2022 21:11

Does she live in a holiday destination by any chance? Travelling to see someone when you're hoping they're busy seems very odd - are you just after free accommodation in a location you want to be in?

Obviously the dates do matter or she wouldn't have said the dates don't work for her... You've painted a picture that she doesn't care about seeing you but you clearly don't care about seeing her. I'd be curious for her side of tbh.

Show quote history

No not a holiday destination at all. I dont really want to see her to be honest. But she talks about wanting to see her gc all the time. She says she wants to see us, but then acts as if we are a total inconvenience. That was the root of the fall out last time. From now until we arrive I'll get constant messages - "what food will I buy for you? How will I get the house tidied? How will I get organised to have you? How will I get time.off work?". I understand that's down to her anxiety, but sometimes I just think "OK then, easier all round if we don't come- see you at your funeral". And then my dB will call and say how much she's looking forward to seeing us.

I'm a mess. Can't do the right thing whatever I do.

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Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 13/06/2022 21:54

Just agree a few face time calls this summer for her and the dc.

Save your money op..

Mangledrake · 13/06/2022 22:01

I don't think nine hours a couple of times a year to see your mother is that big a deal. Anyone taking a flight to see family at the moment I'd facing three hours in an airport before starting.

It would be better to agree dates with her - work must matter to her, possibly as a social outlet with family so far. This seems like a situation you can defuse.

Original poster

Auntieobem · 13/06/2022 22:02

Useranon1 · 13/06/2022 21:14

I think on the face of it it's unreasonable for you to think when you go is solely your decision. Her life/work/wishes are important to, even if you view your situation as more complicated and therefore a priority.

But I appreciate you're reacting based on more of the backstory.

Thank you. I think you are right. The ONLY things in her life right now are her work, her dog and medical appointments. I've not been considering how important her work is to her. She's been doing it for 35 years, and start of every month is "accounts " . I've not considered that although to me that's just sticking stuff in envelopes, to her it's routine, safety and ordered. She finds it impossible to think beyond her own needs, so I need to be more considerate. But, if we don't go when arranged it's unlikely she'll see her eldest grandchild again.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/06/2022 23:07

Auntieobem · 13/06/2022 21:04

Yes. 100% yes. She has lots of medical issues - her anxiety prevents her from coming to us- that and claiming she can neither bring her dog, nor leave it with anyone.

Show quote history

If you'll feel worse if you don't go because you feel guilty, in that case, I would go. You've mentioned a few things that you could lever to make it easier for you.

"Her response? Not good dates, work is busy at that time."
My response would be - 'That's fine, if I'm there then you can concentrate on work and I'll have your dinner ready to come home to.'

"... but sometimes I just think "OK then, easier all round if we don't come- see you at your funeral". And then my dB will call and say how much she's looking forward to seeing us."
Head him off at the pass. Call him and tell him she's fucking you about for fun getting anxious and that you expect him to calm her down about your visit. I absolutely would delegate to him dealing with her "what food will I buy for you? How will I get the house tidied? How will I get organised to have you? How will I get time.off work?" He is there, on the spot, I presume? So he can get his finger out and sort these things for her like a good son.

Babyboomtastic · 14/06/2022 00:21

I think it was you being the rude over in not discussing dates with her before you booked.

LicoricePizza · 14/06/2022 01:24

Can’t you stay elsewhere so as to take pressure off her “hosting” you & give you all much needed space from each other at the end of the day? She might still complain but at least you can’t be guilt tripped for not visiting & you’re showing consideration for her needs. Agree that you maybe should have agreed a date with her prior to booking your travel. But I can understand not feeling welcomed as well.

Vikinga · 14/06/2022 01:48

I think best of you book a hotel nearby and then you can visit her and she won't get stressed.

Coyoacan · 14/06/2022 02:14

You really don't think very much of your mother, do you? Just because you are her dd, does not mean that you know everything about her. My adult dd lives with me and has some very funny notions about who I am and what I should and shouldn't do.

I hope your brother lives near her.

ThinWomansBrain · 14/06/2022 02:16

PPs saying the mother should visit OP - if she has medical issues and anxiety could be the reason why not - my mother was the same about travelling to London in her later years (and she died in her late 60s, so not that old) - That was an hour and a half train journey, and she was from London originally. She would only do it if someone would drive her, and that was to visit her couldn't-do-anything-wrong-son, not me.

I agree with others, go, but stay close by rather than with her - your comments about being there & escaping the house & judge judy make it sound that you'd have a more enjoyable break too.