Aibu to ask landlord mil to not come round

[Frustratedtenent]

Me and my DH currently rent a property from my mother in law she charges us less than market value for the house which we really appreciate. However she has a key to the house and let's herself in as and when she feels like, she has often made comments about mess or clutter she isn't happy with when she turns up unannounced. She will often take it up in herself to clean or reorganise areas and has on more than one occasion decided to paint refloor or decorate without asking. I also know from my doorbell footage that she has let tradesmen in again without asking and at a time that she knows I'm working.
It has got to the point I don't feel comfortable in my own home and am really struggling with anxiety, am I been unreasonable to ask for notice for her coming around and only to do so when necessary? DH thinks I'm over reacting and that as she owns the house she is welcome to come as she wishes and feels she is only trying to help.

You really shouldn’t have to persuade your DH he should just accept, understand and stand by you. How does he usually get along with or confront his mother? Does she always get her own way?

That's a NOPE from me.

I used to live in my mum's rental for less than market value. Absolutely no way in hell would she let herself in whenever she pleased.

Your DH is ridiculous for entertaining the idea that because she owns is means she can treat it like her space.

Thing is, your dh doesn't mind her being like this so whle yanbu to find her intrusive nothing will change while your renting her property at " mates rates".

Do you think DH is trying to keep her sweet in the hopes that she'll just "give" him the house one day?
This sort of violation of boundaries gives me the rage and DH's reaction would be curtains for the relationship if I was in that situation TBH. He's putting his mum's need to be nosy above your need for quiet enjoyment of your home.

Are you saving to own your own property or just renting?

The problem is that because it's his mother, he doesn't view this as intrusion, which it is. However, it sounds like its happening on your time, rather than his and so he can just ignore it for a quiet life. He'd rather listen to you moaning than his DM.

Shelter says that a landlord entering your rental property without permission, and removing or interfering with your belongings is harassment. Show that to your DH, so he can understand how normal tenancies work. Its clear where she's crossing the line.

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/eviction/harassment_by_a_private_landlord/what_counts_as_harassment
and this is the landlord's list of responsibilities.
england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/private_renting/landlord_responsibilities

I guess if you want her to stop but keep it civil, I'd get DH fully on board first and then both decide what is reasonable/unreasonable in his mother's behavior and then sit her down - together - don't leave it up to him as he clearly wants to slide away... and explain to her nicely, in a respectful way, what you think is fair and what is not. Listen to her view but remind her of the advantages she has by renting to you, and not Joe Public which might compensate for the discount. As pp said

Ooh no. I couldn't be doing with that.

I rent my house to my brother and his family at a very subsidised rate. It's a mutually beneficial arrangement.

He gets - a room for each of his DDs in an area he couldn't otherwise afford, close to friends, freedom to redecorate etc, no quarterly inspections or landlord hassle, security of knowing I won't sell.

I get - tenants who I know will look after the place, no callouts due to a broken door handle or whatever because things like that they sort themselves, no worries about non payment of rent etc.

No way would I just walk in! Regardless of the rent, that is your home and I can bet that MIL gets benefits from her arrangement with you just as I do with mine!

Given that OP’s husband won’t even have a simple conversation with his mother, he’s hardly likely to agree to changing the locks - and to do so without his support would a) be massively inflammatory and b) probably play straight into MIL’s hands.

However, as a less extreme version, what about a bolt or chain on the door? It wouldn’t stop her going in whilst OP and husband are out, but at least she can’t just walk in while they’re eating dinner/having sex/slobbing around in their pants etc.

DH thinks I'm over reacting and that as she owns the house she is welcome to come as she wishes and feels she is only trying to help.

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How many mills have "only been trying to help" when in fact the woman is actually thinking of leaving the relationship.

I think that you need to pluck up the courage to speak to her. Your MIL needs to look at you as her tenant with your dcs and dh as a separate family unit.