to be wound up in advance by a visit to SIL tomo?

[tyaca]

actually, IABVU... but just wanted some sympathy and to be told i'm not such a bad person.

i am seeing my SIL and my new baby neice tomo and i'm dreading it and feel quite annoyed in advance. i shouldnt be getting so wound up, so why am i??

i am 34 wks with first, they just had their first in mid dec. this is the first time i will see the baby, despite living in same town. and only cause my mum has arranged this all. i am not pushy, but of the two texts i sent before saying congrats and would love to see you, first was ignored and second was fobbed off. my dad has only seen them once, and first time he went, he was sent away without seeing them and was v upset about it over xmas. the only pics communication we have had with pics etc was an email which was a forward from her family to ours ;-( and included loads of other people. and i have had to show my parents the pics they've uploaded onto facebook instead including loads of her with her family.

fine. having a new baby v stressful and prob i am just underestimating it myself. except that they can afford a fulltime maternity nurse who is living with them. i guess i am quite jealous, not that they have a nurse, but just that they have an income that beats ours by 14 times or so, and she hasnt had to work. my bro has always worked hard and i've always been v proud of him for it and not a prob before but sometimes i find her so damn prescious, it really rubs me up the wrong way.

she keeps a blog online which i rarely read but now i confess i've read the last few posts and i get so wound up. i feel she can be v judgemental of others. she's making such a big deal about breast feeding, and all her talk is about the routine her LO is already in. i really cannot be bothered to be patronised. she is really quite humourless and takes herself v seriously. i should just let it all wash over me, but i KNOW i will get so wound up tomo.

At first i was really upset by their lack of contact when the Lo was born. Now i am just dreading tomo and wish i could put it off til a bigger family gathering, when i have my DH's support. My mum arranged it all, and then i got a phone call from my bro yesterday to check in advance that i didnt have anything infectious at the mo (when my mum first saw their baby, they made her wash her hands twice before giving baby a cuddle)

yes yes, IABVU, but not sure why. please help me to be a better person. i dont think she has any idea idea how much she grates.

YANBU. She sounds like a bit of a nutcase.
Good luck tomorrow

Don't go then! Say you're too tired.

Don't think YABU at all, she sounds incredibly up herself, incredibly selfish, and incredibly insensitive. Good luck for tomorrow.

They do sound overly pfb but it should n't be a great surprise that they see more of her family than his initially. tbh I don't think you should judge her , you may feel simiarly in a few weeks time. Having a baby is a huge adjustment, some people want to be surrounded by family others feel stifled and need space. It is easy to write that all is well, but things may not really so perfect , nurse or not. She deserves your empathy and you may appreciate her help in times to come if you can rise above these frustartions.

She does sound a bit of a pain. Be careful what you say on here, she sounds like a lot of Mumsnetters

ty all.

esp many thanks to LIZS -- reading back what i had written i realised how judgemental i sound. i am expecting in advance to get wound up, i should just rise above it. its her way of coping with things.

also, being new to parenthood, i have noticed how much judging there is in parenting. everyone's allowed to have an opinion on other people. i guess i am inadvertantly joining in.

deep breath, deep breath. be a better person

lol princessosyth ---

I think it is difficult. SIL is very protective of her DD which is natural - don't underestimate the power of hormones!! As for the hand washing - I'm undecided about that. They did tell me in hospital that hands should be washed before touching baby etc, so SIL may just be following advice, a little over zealously, but forgivable whilst baby is tiny. As well, asking whether you have anything infectious, I can see why it might grate, but your first baby at only 4 weeks old - it isn't nice even if they get just a cold - my LO had a major struggle breastfeeding with a cold when he was tiny because he couldn't breathe through his nose and you have to put drops up their nose etc.

In your defence: I don't particularly like the fact she is advertising the "routine" and being militant about the breast feeding etc - babies are all different and if she has got a 4 week old into a routine, it is not down to her being some kind of super mother. Also some find breast feeding easier than others etc and if she is someone who has found it easy, she shouldn't gloat about it. To most people who don't have a small baby, this kind of chat would be totally boring and to people who do have a small baby, it could be seen as a bit up herself/gloating.

I suppose the bottom line is that she is your family, you live nearby, your DCs will be very similar ages and it would make for a nice life if you could get along and share the journey. Personally, I would offer to wash my hands before touching her baby seeing as you know it will worry her otherwise. Not with reference to this particular point, but whilst you are pregnant, the baby has been totally "yours" and nobody has been able to touch it etc, but suddenly when it is born, you still feel it is "yours" and that you want to protect it, but anyone can now hold it etc. In fairness, it is her baby, and it is so new that really her wishes should be respected.

They may not have been in touch just because the first few weeks with a newborn are madness.

You genuinely don't get a lot of time to phone/text as most of your free time is spent sleeping so I wouldn't be upset about her lack of contact.

Ok she does have time to write her blog, but that might be the only free time she has. Am very she has a maternity nurse, but its still a big adjustment with a baby and she is probably really proud of herself for managing to breast feed. She sounds like a control freak and they are the worst ones when a baby arrives and you realise they can't be controlled - I speak being a tad that way myself.

Deep breaths and don't listen to a word she says, unless she offers to lend maternity nurses services or any designer leftover baby outfits.

I think it is a classic case of PFB and no one else has ever had a baby before. Presumably you don't want a major falling out so I would go, humour her, nod in all the right moments and just enjoy the baby. You'll soon have your own darling to cuddle and can show off as much as you want.

It's her first and is probably (albeit underneath) probably feeling very defensive and is being so rigid because of this - if she was posting here we would all be telling her to lighten up and making precious first born jokes.

But she's not posting here and I don't think you are being unreasonable - don't go if you don't want to and if you are going to feel irritated - you are pregnant, hormonal and very likely to take on her bosses-britches opinions (letting them irritate you). You are vulnerable right now and you have a perfect excuse not to go.

You are not unreasonable about the nurse. I am very jealous! No wonder she has time to blog FFS!
There are some people who just have to know everything. My SIL is like this and constantly gives us load of (unsolicited) advice. We just nod and smile, and gloat afterwards about how we have made much better decisions, so we're just as bad! Except we keep them to ourselves.

i AM being unreasonable and i know it. i just dont know why

partly i am annoyed because my mum was coming into town tomo so we could look around baby shops and have lunch and now it has become a visit to see them. my mum just left a message on my phone rearranging the meet time to fit in with the the LO's routine. this is one of those ones where its perfectly reasonable from SIL's POV to ask if we could accomadate her, and my mum just organised this to be nice to all. but my gut reaction when getting the phone message at having my day rearranged and my mum saying "well, baby sleeps between X and Y, so could we meet at Z instead" was

crokky, your point about her advertising the routine and feeding made me feel a bit better. many thanks for posting. much as i moaned about her, i do think a lot of this is coming from me. your post made me feel so much less irrational for getting a bit wound up by it. perhaps she does not realise the advantages she has in helping her feed and get a routine.

TBH - was really excited about their LO and mine being so close in age and near each other. which is why i was so upset that i was so low down on their list of people to drop a line to. but now i just feel confused

YANBU.

But she has just had a new born. Don't try and make sense of her behaviour or think you've done something wrong.

She's just being crazy and PFB.

Think - you get to do this to her in a few weeks

Girl, you are going to have to bite the bullet and bite your tongue im afraid.

Looking at the big picture here....your kids will be growing up together.
if you live in the same town, it will be difficult to avoid her.
They may well become really close and very good cousins, hitting milestones together, doing things together etc.
think about them.

Thing is, she is going to get even more annoying as her little darling may well be more precious than yours as they grow up..SO
get into the habit of smiling sweetly, screaming into your jumper in the loo often and of letting things ride

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT

She's hormonal, you're hormonal.....

Just grin and bear it. It does all settle down I promise!

It sounds like her behaviour has really upset your family. I'd try to keep the peace and go along with it for now, but keep an eye on it, as these things can sometimes escalate.

Please, please can we have the link to her blog though???

lol beth, for a little moment i did think about linking the blog. but am a tad para about her finding this thread as it is

Oh it is tough. She is def being very precious and will hopefully be mortified by her behaviour in a few ..erm....years.
The lack of contact is normal with a newborn though. I remember honestly feeling I did nothave time to get myself a glass of water and my dh either came home for lunch or made me a sandwich in the morning nearly every day for 4 mths .
You need to smile sweetly and realise a lot of it is hormones. She won't want you to stay for long anyway. Go in offer to make the cups of tea, offer to wash your hands and smile sweetly. You will be out of there in an hour and you should feel good for being the BETTER person. It will be easier when you have your baby too.
On the breastfeeding thing there is a fine line between being proud she is doing so well and appearing to show off. She has a right to feel proud, but not to show off. Good Luck, it will be ok. Just keep it short.

its sounds a little like your SIL has pfb but you are going to have to try and enjoy the day just listen and smile sweetly thats all you have to do, i'm sure you can last a hour or so

Its hard but you have all this to come too and its a very hormonal time for you both, and as you said it will be nice for your lo's to be around the same age so that they can grow and play together

Can i just ask if your brother/sil's baby is the first gc on your family's side?

if so it may be that you are feeling a little jealous that she had the 'first' gc and it will therefore be spoilt and you think that yours may not get the same love and attention? and that your sil's lo will also be the one reaching the milestones first etc?

My DS1 was the first gc in my family and my sisters DD was born 2 months later and my sister confessed to feeling like this with me but it was never the case that there was any competition, after we spoke she relaxed and we just enjoyed our lo's growing together (they are now 9 and love each other dearly )

I may be reading this completely wrong though so if i am please please ignore me

I don't think YABU...She'd do my head in. But, if you can ignore her 'ways' and let her enjoy her 'text-book' baby, whilst you carry on enjoying preparing for yours, all the better!

btw i don't think YABU at all

and if you can't link here can you send it to me at [email protected] i'd love to have a laugh erm read of her blog

sparklesandwine - yes, there's in the first gc, but to be honest the opposite is true my parents would love to be doting but they not getting the chance. which is fine by me, as they can over-dote (read dote for spend )on ours instead. like i say, it's mainly my dad who's been upset, but he really dotes on my big bro (who is also a pfb himself!) and i think was expecting the birth of my bro's first kid to be a bonding moment for them. he didnt want much - but i do think its a bit tight that they get sent just two pics on a forwarded email, while they have uploaded loads of her plus her family onto facebook for the whole world (excluding those like my parents who obvs dont facebook) to see.

oh dear, i've become a b*h again. i am being so damn unreasonable.

it's hormone-arama isnt it?? just wish my mum hadnt rearranged tomo.

tomo. i will smile and bear it. she is ok, not bad at all, we are just fundamentally really dif people. my poor DH is going to have to have the patience of a saint tomo pm

Hi there,
Nice to read s/o gritting their teeth with their SIL - and I don't even have the hormone excuse - DS2 is 1 this week !!!
Spent new year with my two SILs and got on fine with one but the other did my head in !
All silly stuff that sounds totally unreasonable when said aloud but just wound me up sth chronic.
Got myself totally wound up over SIL over-medicalising everything (in A&E on Xmas day for a stomach bug for 10 mth old DD and then didn't like their advice so went to see ANOTHER doc); feeding DD stuff to bung her up and then suppositories to unblock her; suggesting I "push" my son because he is trying to walk whereas her pudding can hardly sit up unaided "cue smug "we're so lucky we can make the most of the baby stuff because we're not pushing her to grow up fast..."
GRRRR !
Ok now I've got to apologise [looks sheepish emoticon]! for totally hijacking the thread, ranting unashamedly and slagging off SIL to boot.
So who's going to tell me how on earth I can try and get past this thing?