Husband thinks I shouldn’t feel this way

[Bunnygirl0]

My husband and I were talking last night. To give some background I am a SAHM at the moment until my youngest is at school. Husband works full time.

We were just chatting about life in general and I said I feel at full capacity at the moment. House work, kids, one at home and one of the other 2 has some additional needs. I also lost my mother recently so am
supporting my grieving father a lot as my sibling isn’t around a lot.

Husband actually laughed and said he can’t see how I can feel at capacity and a bit burnt out as he’s at work and I’m at home.

AIBU to find this quite diminishing of my life as a SAHM as though it isn’t as important or demanding as his?

You are grieving your mother, having lost her recently, and supporting your widowed father and your husband laughed at you on the basis that he works and you don’t?

That’s beyond insensitive. It’s cruel.

This. He doesn’t sound like a very nice person.

I couldn’t put is any better myself!

I am so sorry for your loss @Bunnygirl0

YANBU

No one else can tell you how you feel about ANYTHING. It's literally how you feel. The mind boggles at someone not getting this - he sounds incredibly emotionally immature. And the laughing at you is actually quite concerning, especially given that you recently lost your mum (I'm sorry to hear this).

And yes, it sounds like he doesn't value your work in the same way as his own. Again, very dismissive of your contribution to family life. Based on this isolated incident he sounds like a prick tbh. How are things generally?

He’s usually brilliant tbh. I don’t think he realised that I was mentioning my mum in the same context and instead was just talking about me being at home in contrast to him at work

I wouldn't say you are at fully capacity (that makes it sound work related) but you are emotionally overwhelmed and drained and struggling to find time to mentally breathe. I think it's probably the phrasing he reacted too. Regardless, you need a break somehow and for him to acknowledge that you are at a break point.

He sounds like an insensitive dick. Is he usually this dismissive of you?

Many people don’t value SAHMs, unfortunately your husband is one of them and doesn’t value all the work you do because it’s unpaid. That’s pretty sad.

I think you expressed it incorrectly. You seem emotionally overwhelmed. That’s different to being ‘at capacity’. DH and I both worked full time and were SAHP (no care used, just worked opposite days and tag teamed shifts) and 2 of our kids were SN. There is no way way any SAHP can be at capacity if they don’t work as well. Anyone can be emotionally overwhelmed however. If you had a disability you could also be physically overwhelmed I guess.

Sorry for your loss. How often has he spent looking after children?

I would book a week somewhere to recharge and let him hold the reins. Let him see the reality of your role.

Don't do any prep etc let him take on practical, mental and emotional load

His comment was unfair and mean spirited.

Unless the OP's husband is incapable of understanding that language can be figurative, I don't think he'd have to be a genius to grasp that 'I feel like I'm at capacity' in this context would mean 'I'm exhausted and emotionally drained' rather than 'My Outlook calendar is full of meetings'.

I also think that making it into a 'Who has the most stressful life?' competition is really unhelpful. If someone's exhausted, they're exhausted. Telling them their feelings aren't valid or implying that they are weak because actually your life is/was much harder but you managed OK - particularly when they've recently lost their mother - is quite insensitive (both on the OP's DH's part and on your part).

And no, they wouldn't need 'a disability' to be physically exhausted. What a ridiculous and offensive thing to say.

There's nothing wrong with saying she's at full capacity. It just means she's got as much on her plate as she can cope with right now.
Your h sounds like a prick, with no emotional intelligence. I think words need to be had. Tell him you'll remind him of his comments when one of his parents dies! Arsehole!

Not everyone's work life is full on and not everyone's home life is easy. Having small children, one with additional needs is hard. As is grief and supporting a grieving parent.

I think he said it, because he's feeling burnt out. If he was happy with his job and not being burnt out, he wouldn't say it, but it changes the perspective a lot.

I'm a full time working single mum and I can reassure you his life is a lot easier than yours given everything you are dealing with.

I always looked forward to Mondays at work as a break TBH.

He's being an insensitive, inconsiderate and patronising dick.

Husband actually laughed and said he can’t see how I can feel at capacity and a bit burnt out as he’s at work and I’m at home.

Assuming he's doing half of the housework and childcare as well as working full time, I can see why he'd think this on a superficial level. But everyone's different. Perhaps he's not aware of how much energy and time is going to supporting your father, as well as the grieving process? It's crappy that he laughed and belittled you rather than supporting you and seeing if there's a way to make things easier, but if he's normally supportive maybe approach it with him again explaining why you're specifically having a hard time at the moment.

You have 3 children, one with additional needs and one a pre-schoolar. You've lost your mum and are supporting your grieving father. Either one of those two situations is a lot to have to cope with and you are currently living with both. I'm sorry your husband was so thoughtless.

Sorry to hear about your Mum Op.

I was a sahm to a toddler & baby of a few weeks when my mum died.

For a while all I could do was keep us clean, clothed & fed.

Honestly at that time my husband was working, supporting me emotionally & picking up any slack!

Well you don’t get to decide who is at full capacity other than for yourself.

Lots going on OP. Not ok of your husband to say that, very revealing of his attitude to your role in the family. I mean, do you get to judge how busy he is at work? No, didn’t think so.

Thanks everyone. Good to hear that I’m
not just really sensitive. I just found it very belittling of my role at home and everything I do. But I do think he is exhausted too.
I do always try to not make it a competition and I take absolutely more than the lions share of the jobs at home which I don’t resent as I’m here to do that but I do resent it when it’s spoken about like it’s nothing..

@Bunnygirl0 The issue is many people dont give equal value to work at home as work outside the home.
I have worked full time ,part time and stayed at home to care for young children and older relatives.
The jobs I did outside the home were roles most people think of as hard work but I have never worked so hard or been more exhausted as when caring for young children and older relatives at home...it was privilege to do so but hard work.
Add the draining exhaustion of grief into the mix.....
Explain to your husband that he needs to value the work you do at home caring for your 3 children whilst grieving and supporting older relatives.

It's not your job to take on the lions share of house stuff - your role primarily is to look after the children. Obviously, by virtue of being home, you'll end up doing more house stuff simply because you're there, but that's not your responsibility by default. Not unless you are a sahm to dc who are all school age, anyway!
And if your h doesn't acknowledge that you being at home saves a lot of money on childcare and possibly provides care for your additional needs child that they might not get elsewhere, then the answer is to do less, so he has to do more and therefore might gain appreciation for the value of what you do!
Don't let him get away with thinking you do nothing or that what you provide has little value. It can be as financially valuable as a second wage would be. Especially when you factor in how bad provision of care can be for children who have additional needs. He'd be a lot more exhausted if you were at work and he had to organise his job to do 50% of the childcare!

Yanbu
Your DH doesn't understand how much work it is running a house and also looking after 2 DCs at home including one with SEN. Even without SEN it's hard work and all the admin for life and children's nursery or school.

Maybe he doesn't realise that some of us part time working mums go to work for a rest!!! It's a never ending 24/7 grind being a SAHP. Yes work can be tough, and my job is very intensive but DCs and all the care and tasks and endless chatter & parenting that comes with that as well as running household and other wider family stuff is exhausting.

The thing about work is that your colleagues don't generally

follow you to the toilet still talking at you and opening the door

sit on your lap interrupting phone calls,

Chase the cat or tell the postman that you have big knickers on

constantly try to injure themselves or abscond the moment your back is turned for a minute,

Throw their food at you or smear it in their hair

Bash other colleagues because they won't share

Have their manager tell you off constantly as they haven't done xyz for their (school) work

Expect you to entertain or look after them 24/7

Wake you up in the night so you never sleep 8 hours

Lay on the floor screaming in a shop or in your hallway (as you won't let them dress for the 10th day running in their smelly Captain America costume)

Jump in puddles just before meetings soaking both you and them in muddy puddle water

Constantly try to climb the furniture or kitchen cupboards to get to the goodie cupboard or hide in cupboards when a meeting is due ...

My old childminder now charges £8 per child an hour, and cleaner £15/ hour- so by being SAHM (part time) so if I had 2 DCs I was providing at least a £31 an hour job , far more before tax than hourly rate I earnt at work (professional job) and that wasn't factoring any of the cooking, teaching moments, trips out, nurse, house admin and organising (admin for school stuff too!) that I did. It's so many roles you have to take on as a SAHP, all of which means DH isn't having to worry about those whilst he is at work or even showering uninterrupted to get dressed for work. I used to envy (ex) DHs lunchbreak as mine were eating whilst holding a child or running errands for home at the shops during lunchbreak when I was at work.