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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband thinks I shouldn’t feel this way

43 replies

Bunnygirl0 · 13/06/2022 10:28

My husband and I were talking last night. To give some background I am a SAHM at the moment until my youngest is at school. Husband works full time.

Husband actually laughed and said he can’t see how I can feel at capacity and a bit burnt out as he’s at work and I’m at home.

AIBU to find this quite diminishing of my life as a SAHM as though it isn’t as important or demanding as his?

OP posts:

Tiani4 · 13/06/2022 12:32

Oh and colleagues don't generally constantly trash the office throwing things on the floor and smushing food on chairs or into the carpet or TV remote control.

They also don't try to grab your hot cup of coffee from where you put it down

Cry and tell you they hate you when you say "No, it's not a good idea" (... you can't eat poo... you can't go out in your pants only... you can't eat chocolate bar before dinner..)

See .... work is easier!

Flatandhappy · 13/06/2022 12:35

Nobody gets to tell someone else how they should feel. I would be upset if someone I loved did so.

hulahooper2 · 13/06/2022 12:36

Apart from your mum , sorry for your loss , being at home is nothing like having to out to work , I’ve done both and home is much easier

WonderingWanda · 13/06/2022 12:40

Op you absolutely need to plan an extended stay away from home on your own with your dh in charge. And do nothing to prepare for him before you go (no food shop, meals in freezer, cleaning, planning activities for the kids). He needs a reality check on how much unseen work you do. If he still feels this way after that then you can consider him not worth keeping. If he is usually a good husband, nice bloke etc he probably just thinks your life is like a nice relaxing weekend all the time.

xogossipgirlxo · 13/06/2022 12:43

"I do always try to not make it a competition and I take absolutely more than the lions share of the jobs at home which I don’t resent as I’m here to do that but I do resent it when it’s spoken about like it’s nothing.."

Yes, you are totally right. In my opinion, it's up to him to improve his work life now, because the nasty comments or patronizing your work don't come from the fact that you do nothing, but it's the fact that your husband is unsatisfied. Hence the frustration. He's unhappy, so his job feels like a massive burden.

Youseethethingis1 · 13/06/2022 12:43

Apart from your mum , sorry for your loss , being at home is nothing like having to out to work , I’ve done both and home is much easier
Surely that very much depends on you as a person, the job you've got and the kids you've got?
I'm not going to sit here and tell you you must have angelic NT children and a super hard job to feel that way, you feel how you feel.
OP deserves the same respect, especially from her husband of all people as he should know what it is she's dealing with.

Goldfishmountainclimber · 13/06/2022 12:43

I think that many people just don’t understand the demands of being a stay at home mother. It can really grind you down with the repetitive tasks and never being off duty. And you are dealing with a bereavement as well.

Amyrosa · 13/06/2022 12:45

I honestly found my job much less stressful and consuming than I do amusing a toddler and 10 month old all day. it is so overwhelming at times.

EllaDuggee · 13/06/2022 13:04

Some of these replies are unnecessarily picking holes in how you phrased it. Ultimately you voiced to him that you are struggling and he laughed at yòu. That was twattish. He should have listened and talked to you about it, and been supportive. Any major bereavement can make a lot of stuff seem overwhelming, he should have seen that was also relevant.

I don't get the "SAHM have it easier " viewpoint either, small children are very draining and energetic, and dealing with most of the housework is tedious whereas work to me is interesting. If he's miserable at work he shouldn't take it out on you.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 13/06/2022 13:18

Tell him that, having reflected on his input, you've realised that as he doesn't find housework or childcare to be at all taxing you'll just keep the kids alive while he's at work and gratefully clock off as soon as he's home, at which point he can look after the kids while doing all the chores you didn't do during the day. Weekends you'll be at your dad's without any of the kids. I'd be so interested to know his response to your suggestion - as I'm betting it won't be, "Yes, love, that's all fine by me."

Herejustforthisone · 13/06/2022 13:23

I work in a really high pressure job. It’s still easier than being at home. Because it ends in the evening and doesn’t start again until the morning.

Him belittling you and the relentless and thankless grind that is caring for kids and a household, not to mention your bereavement, is terrible.

He doesn’t sound ‘brilliant’ to me. He sounds like an arrogant prick who looks down on you and who is happy and decent-ish all the time you stay in your lane and keep your mouth shut.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 13/06/2022 13:51

So sorry for your loss and grieving is so hard the first year as emotions up and down. Going to work is easier and less stressful than running a household and driving children here and there and cooking, housework etc. He seems very dismissive and you need to tell him how you are feeling and for him to take you seriously and to give you support.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 13/06/2022 13:52

Make sure he is doing his share of housework and childcare weekends and take some time out for yourself also so he realizes what is involved as he seems very uncaring about it all, is he always so arrogant?

ChocolateHippo · 13/06/2022 13:57

YANBU. It depends on the job, of course, but many people find working a bit of a 'break' from being at home with small DC. Pre-DC, I used to work in a very demanding job (think regular 16 hour days, occasional all-nighters and irregular hours). Yet still there would be parents of small children coming in on Monday morning (mostly men) pleased to be back in the office for the 'break' and peace and quiet.

After DC, I work much less but still quite stressful - think running training sessions and presenting in front of large groups of people. But it still feels like a break from being at home and I get a buzz from interacting with and having my contribution valued by people over the age of 5. I find the days at home shuffling around mess and trying to bring order to chaos much more draining in some ways - think Sisiphus pushing the boulder up the hill over and over again!

So yes, I think in your shoes where you're dealing with all the home stuff, have a small child constantly hanging off you and supporting a grieving elderly parent, all without anyone telling you that you're doing a good job, I would feel slightly annoyed and unappreciated.

Vikinga · 13/06/2022 14:03

He's a fucking dick who doesn't have a clue. I've been a sahm (without additional needs kids or supporting grieving parent) and it was a lot harder than any job I've ever done.

The idiot doesn't know he's born. Anyone can have a job.

And I've never had to just work and not worry about housework etc. To be able to just work and have everything else taken care of would be amazing. Many men get to experience that, very few women do.

I'd do back to work and split everything else 50/50. Much better for you. Give him a trial run - go on a course for a few weeks. See how the idiot fares.

Namenic · 13/06/2022 14:04

Hehe - me and DH find work easier than sahp. I have to attend a function soon and DH is a bit nervous about coping with the 3 kids (including 1 bf baby) for 3 days.

But I have done a part time job that was more exhausting than sahp - so v much depends on the job. He was being unreasonable and insensitive though. I suggest you plan a weekend day out alone for yourself, and your DH can have a weekend day off too. It would give him some insight into how tiring it is and you could both relax on your off day.

JasperJohnsPaintbrush · 13/06/2022 14:32

We were just chatting about life in general and I said I feel at full capacity at the moment. House work, kids, one at home and one of the other 2 has some additional needs. I also lost my mother recently so am
supporting my grieving father a lot as my sibling isn’t around a lot.
Husband actually laughed and said he can’t see how I can feel at capacity and a bit burnt out as he’s at work and I’m at home

He's a prat! I say this as someone who's also lost her mum and had no siblings to lean on. It hit me so hard I was physically unable to speak for almost a month, and felt paralysed to the point of barely functioning with getting dressed or even making a cuppa, plus I have been having counselling due to PTSD linked with losing her. So to be expecting you to basically 'just get on with it' is insulting.

It's not for anyone else to tell you how you feel my lovely. You have to cope with losing her YOUR way, and he should be stepping up to the mark to be equal partners , apologising profusely for his crass remark, and taking steps to ensure you remain equal partners. .

arethereanyleftatall · 13/06/2022 14:50

I've learnt, a little too late in life, to listen to what anyone says, then make it work for me.

He's just told you your role is easy.

Put aside that this is a dickish, disrespectful, nasty and thoughtless thing to say. And, use it instead.

It's easy, thus he should have no problem doing it all alone next weekend whilst you're at your dads.

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