To think ex shouldn't see only one of our kids?

[moamhelp]

Long story so I will try to condense

I have 2 children with exP, a 6 year old and a 7 month old.

He was emotionally abusive (think name calling, shouting, swearing, gas lighting, just plain horrible) and I eventually built up the courage to call it a day.

He has been staying at his mums and seeing the kids there, 3 x a week tues, thurs, Sunday, for 2 hours at a time. I am breastfeeding (trying to introduce bottle but baby is v reluctant!) so I have been dropping them off, feeding, leaving for 2 hours, then returning to collect them

I am and have been completely open to him seeing more of them, but this is what we agreed

He is now saying that he 'can't cope' having the baby, as she cries the whole time (she does cry a lot in general) and I'm being unfair by dumping the kids there 3 x a week and leaving them to it, so he now will only have our eldest apart from on a Sunday he will see the baby too but I have to be there as well.

AIBU to think this isn't on? Here are my thoughts

1. It doesn't matter so much now but this isn't fair on little one (appreciate that maybe I'm thinking too far ahead here)

1. It sends the wrong message to my eldest (does dad love him but not baby? Do we just give up parenting because it's hard work? Is he more special than baby? Is baby a nuisance?)

1. You don't get to pick and choose which of your children you parent based on which ones are hard work and which ones aren't

1. Also means I get no time out at all from parenting

He says it's not fair because he gets no quality time on his own with eldest so I suggested he keep to original plan and then keep eldest on his own a few extra hours after the Sunday contact for some quality time (bike riding, arcades, whatever they fancy doing that can't really be done with baby there)

But no, he just wants to have our 6 year old and then all 4 of us 'do something' on a Sunday

Opinions please? Anyone else been in this situation?

For info he is unemployed (he maintains that he cannot work due to his mental health) and does not pay child support

Honestly I wouldn't feel comfortable with leaving a baby with an emotionally abusive piece of shit like him. I'd be concerned about their safety.

I see your point and just adding that he was never like this towards them, only me, but point is completely valid and it is something I struggle with

Why is it okay for you to struggle at home and not have quality time but not for him?

He's still trying to control you. That's the problem.

He needs to put his big boy pants on and get on with it just like you have to 🤷🏻‍♀️.

He can't just demand you be there because the baby is hard work.

And if he wants to spend more time with the eldest maybe he can do another day and actually take her out.

I was a bit older than your two when my dad left, but he would take my older sister out for an evening, but not me and my younger brother. We would sit by the window just for a peep of him as he dropped my sister off. I guess we were too much hassle all together. He eventually sacked her off too and she really suffered from this abandonment.

I'd also worry that his idea of you all doing something together on a Sunday is another form of control and refusing to let you go.

Although I wouldn't feel comfortable with them seeing the six year old either but I appreciate that your hands are tied there, but the baby would worry me most, especially after his comments about not being able to handle her. I do understand your feelings about getting a break though.

It's a tricky situation. There's no way that you should be spending family time with that twat though. It's just another way of controlling you.

Just keep repeating that you will he sticking to the agreement.
what a price of shit thinking he can fuck the baby off to you! unbelievable.
Stay strong and don't listen to pp who said you shouldn't let the baby go there. who the fuck are they to tell you to feel bad for escaping an abuser but still let the kids see their dad.
you are perfectly able to decide whether it's safe or not. And some men like to abuse the woman not the child as the child is blood so I believe you if you say its safe enough for the child. plus it's completely different living with an abuser 24 7 than visiting a few times a week.

That does sound so difficult. Mine are much older than yours but we’ve had many hurtful years of my ex “favouring” one child over the other. Subtly (but not subtly) treating them differently. Taking one, but not the other/s. Treating and buying for one, but not the other/s. Being outright cruel to one but not the other/s. I now have 3 teens, he still rotates his favouritism and weirdness. He’s very weird. One currently doesn’t speak to him (last 3 years). One has decided (after no contact for 5 years) to just play him at his own game. His little princess who he put on a pedestal for years is now hurtfully dealing with the slow rejection. What a weirdo!!

My point is, don’t let this dickhead do to your babies what has been done to mine. If you have this feeling now, and you the prefer the feeling of them being “a unit” like I did. Then you’re feelings are right and you’re having them for a reason. Nothing wrong with sometimes taking them on separate activities etc but only you know what you’re comfortable with, and when to draw the line. So you HAVE to take charge and he’ll have to do it the PROPER way. By doing what feels right to YOU. Their mother, who has them all the time x

He takes both, or neither. He'll probably choose neither.

Oh god don’t go out with him on Sundays. As other posters have stated, its so obvious what that’s all about. And lazy. Pathetic

You can say both of neither but be prepared for him to choose neither

Thanks all for your replies

I really do feel uncomfortable with him having one and not the other and think I'm going to say that to him. Just preparing myself for the back lash

Completely agree that the Sunday thing is part of him controlling me.

I want my 6 year old to still see his dad and enjoy time with him, but I don't want him to have to do that separately from his baby sister (as a rule, obviously agree now and again 1-1 time is great!), but then if I effectively force him to have both kids then 6 year olds probably having a shit time anyway with a grumpy dad? Rock and a hard place :(

I'd go both or neither. He is only doing a tiny fraction of the care now. Tough cheese if he can't cope tbh. I imagine there are plenty of times you struggle, and you don't get to opt out.

You are not his childcare when it is his contact time. Tell him to ask grandma to watch the baby while he takes the 6-year-old out for quality time if he's that bothered.

What you absolutely mustn’t do is go there yourself and spend time all together. It’s better for your eldest ( and later the youngest) to know mum and dad aren’t together any more.

The problem if he doesn’t have 7 month on alone now is when will he start doing so? Even if baby only goes on one occasion per week that’s something.

Ugh. He wants all 4 of you to do something together? I’m sure that would suit him just fine. He needs his hand holding and will also love pretending you’re a family/getting close to you. Boundaries all the way.
My ex likes suggesting days out with the kids but he won’t do them oh his own or even with his parents or anyone else - has to be with me. He never gets anywhere with it.

@moamhelp
Ultimately, if its hard work for him to manage his contact time, that's his issue.
It's not your responsibility to have to attend to make it easier on him. It's only your responsibility to have them available for the contact.
I don't like contact with only certain siblings, and do think that tyring to insist on some contact for both is preferable but it maybe that the baby contact reduces for a time.
You not getting down time isn't a relevant factor. Though appreciate it feels like it is to you.

I'm being unfair by dumping the kids there 3 x a week and leaving them to it is that not what he's done for the other 166hrs a week?

My suggestion - going with his need for 1 on 1 time is that you switch 1 of the afternoon/evening sessions to alternate between the two kids.

So 1 week he has the baby for 2 hours - giving you some 1 on 1 time with the 6yr old, and the next week he can pick up the 6yr old from school and bring him back at bedtime (note he does the travelling/transporting here as you will have baby in bed). If he drops out of baby's week then baby gets the next week instead - so he doesn't get out of it that way! Baby's time increases as you get her onto bottle/food to match 6yr old by 12/18 months?

The other afternoon/evening and Sundays stay as is. Do not get involved with 'doing something together' this isn't fair on the 6yr old who will think you are getting back together AND will mean he doesn't do anything with the baby leaving it all to you.

Well done on spotting the control. Keep your own control of the situation.

Oh and if he is claiming benefits CMS will give you £7 a week out of his benefits - it's pathetic but it makes a point...

This is post-separation abuse OP.
He is continuing his control & manipulation via the kids.

He is now saying that he 'can't cope' having the baby, as she cries the whole time (she does cry a lot in general) and I'm being unfair by dumping the kids there 3 x a week and leaving them to it, so he now will only have our eldest apart from on a Sunday he will see the baby too but I have to be there as well.

How does he think YOU "cope" with the baby?
WTF - exactly - does he reckon is "unfair" about seeing his own children for 2 hours, 3 x a week?
DO NOT AGREE TO BE PRESENT on the Sunday. It's got fuck-all to do with you managing the baby, & everything to do with him sucking you back into his orbit.

It's also outrageous that you are the one doing all the drop--offs & pick-ups.
Amaze me - if you expected him to collect or deliver his own children, he'd let you down, so you can't trust him with it?

I was going to come on and suggest similar to this, 1 on 1 is important to you both and the children.

If he needs 1 on 1 then you embrace that as a brilliant idea and completely agree and the present the plan above. Tell him you will trial it for 6 months and then review together but you will not be doing things as a 4.

So, why not let him have both for 2 hours during the week as you have been ( he needs to parent both of them) and just have the older child on a Sunday for a few hours to do something suitable with him/her. ( being there with him and both the kids doesn't work for you!!!!)

This is how i also view your situation

Thanks all for reassuring me that it is infact him that's being unreasonable!!

Today is his usual day to see them, I have asked him if he is still planning to, awaiting response so we shall see.

@LittleOwl153 that sounds a really good idea. and thanks I didn't know that about benefits.

@KettrickenSmiled re pick ups and drop offs, partly yes I fully expect to be let down, messed around, however the other reason I'm willing to do it as it means he doesn't have to come to my house so this is a plus.

Disney dad cherry picking the easier parts of parenting. Just keep repeating no to him and when he feeds you the line about it being hard, no quality time, repeat back to him that you have no quality time either, are exhausted and are fully funding the children. Explain he can either drop this conversation with you or he can take it up with your solicitor.