To think ex shouldn't see only one of our kids?

[moamhelp]

Long story so I will try to condense

I have 2 children with exP, a 6 year old and a 7 month old.

He was emotionally abusive (think name calling, shouting, swearing, gas lighting, just plain horrible) and I eventually built up the courage to call it a day.

He has been staying at his mums and seeing the kids there, 3 x a week tues, thurs, Sunday, for 2 hours at a time. I am breastfeeding (trying to introduce bottle but baby is v reluctant!) so I have been dropping them off, feeding, leaving for 2 hours, then returning to collect them

I am and have been completely open to him seeing more of them, but this is what we agreed

He is now saying that he 'can't cope' having the baby, as she cries the whole time (she does cry a lot in general) and I'm being unfair by dumping the kids there 3 x a week and leaving them to it, so he now will only have our eldest apart from on a Sunday he will see the baby too but I have to be there as well.

AIBU to think this isn't on? Here are my thoughts

1. It doesn't matter so much now but this isn't fair on little one (appreciate that maybe I'm thinking too far ahead here)

1. It sends the wrong message to my eldest (does dad love him but not baby? Do we just give up parenting because it's hard work? Is he more special than baby? Is baby a nuisance?)

1. You don't get to pick and choose which of your children you parent based on which ones are hard work and which ones aren't

1. Also means I get no time out at all from parenting

He says it's not fair because he gets no quality time on his own with eldest so I suggested he keep to original plan and then keep eldest on his own a few extra hours after the Sunday contact for some quality time (bike riding, arcades, whatever they fancy doing that can't really be done with baby there)

But no, he just wants to have our 6 year old and then all 4 of us 'do something' on a Sunday

Opinions please? Anyone else been in this situation?

For info he is unemployed (he maintains that he cannot work due to his mental health) and does not pay child support

So here's the latest, it's predictable

He was going to collect both kids at 5pm
5.10pm and he's not here, ' just having some food. Do you want to come out with us?' he says. youngest is getting desperate for her last nap so to try and keep the peace I offered to take them to him so that he can finish eating and baby can nap in car, and said no I have plans of my own so won't be joining you.

Cue the torrent of abuse, about how unfair it is for me to just dump them both on him when he has no one to help him, how I try and dictate his life, how I'm preventing him from having a bond with his children

By this time baby had fallen asleep and 6 year old got fed up waiting and went to play with his friend next door, and I have now been blocked

Give me strength it's like he's actually lost his mind, half of it doesn't even make sense

Cue the torrent of abuse, about how unfair it is for me to just dump them both on him when he has no one to help him

Have you ever asked him who he thinks helps you, for the 162 hours a week you parent solo?

He is definitely just trying to suck you back in.
Is it worth it? Would your older child be better off with no contact, rather than this sporadic & unreliable, resentful contact? Do eitehr of them actually need this deadbeat manipulator in their lives?

I'd be tempted to block him right back, & let him go via a solicitor for court-ordered contact, & hope that fizzled him out of our lives entirely.

Cue the torrent of abuse, about how unfair it is for me to just dump them both on him when he has no one to help him

Who does he think helps you??

So when does he think a good time for him to start having the baby will be? If she doesn't see him regularly now she won't know who he is and will never be comfortable around him.

If he sees them at his mum's, isn't she there to help?

Just in case you end up in court about this, I'd advise being super helpful in working towards him adjusting to caring for a baby - eg a planned series of stages and some links to helpful websites about baby care. And maybe subtly ask the six year old what's happening when the baby cries with Daddy at the moment.

Let me guess, did he do much when DC1 was a baby?

Do not give in to the pleas to do stuff together.

They all say stuff like "dumping the kids on me" when it suits them. Ignore.

He's pathetic. Absolutely do not agree to do anything with him - he's using this to manipulate you.

Both DC or neither, his choice. Imagine the shoe being on the other foot - would you refuse to see your baby just because it was only for a couple of hours? He's ridiculous. Hopefully you will stay blocked!!

It's not fair no, but if he is telling you he can't cope with the baby then I think it would be unfair to her, to send her there. Evidence has shown that babies under one are at the greatest risk of harm from a care-giver and although I'm sure he would not purposely hurt her, if he is becoming so frustrated it's not a good idea to send her. However, does he have family support? Anyone who can help him with the baby? I know you don't get a break either but she won't be this little forever and he will be able to better meet her needs when she is a bit older.

He can’t command what you do with your time. He’d probably do fuck all with the kids and sit back letting you do it all whilst he criticises.

Moaning that he never gets the eldest on his own is ridiculous-when do you get the eldest on his own?!

Big no.

When will he decide he can be bothered with the baby? When they're in the terrible 2s? When they're 3 and have no idea who he is and vocalise that they don't want to be with him? When he hasn't built a bond with them? No. He's trying to get out of having the little one now the older one is more fun.

It's OK for you to struggle and have no quality time with the older one? You could suggest he has two days with the older one and two days with the younger one. That way you both get quality time with both kids.

The Sunday "family time" an absolute no. You're not together, you don't have to spend your weekends with him.

He sounds like dad of the year...😡

Thanks all. What a shit show!

@JanglyBeads to answer your question no he didn't have much to do with DC1, I was very much default parent and the ironic thing is, he made such a big thing about 'wanting to do things better with DC2' and build a better bond

Far from it!

Thanks for all listening to me rant it's strangely therapeutic to be able to write it all down here!

That's it now, OP. Zero tolerance, seriously. Otherwise you will sit and watch him let your children down over and over again.

Set out a contact plan that is best for the children, not one that suits him, and do not allow him to deviate from it or manipulate you into deviating from it If he can't commit to the very basic things that he should be committing to as a dad then I would suspend contact until he can. He can take you to court if he wants (doubt he will). That's fine. The court will only want to see the same basic commitment that you also want, and the issue is that he's acting like he doesn't really want to see them, not that he's fighting for more time with them.

I would bet that he will not commit to anything and that the arrangement will end very soon. But at least your kids are spared from the anxiety of waiting to see if their dad can be arsed with them from one week to the next.